Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.
How do you deal with the resentment?(13 Posts)
ExH left 19 months ago when caught with OW. Moved straight in to her house an hour and half a way and introduced the children to her within a few weeks.
I've spent the last 18 months picking up the pieces of my DC's lives and with help from friends, family and school key worker got them to a stable position. We still have our moments dealing with a Narc ex but they see him every other weekend and a couple of hours each week after school. They get the better part of him now he doesn't have to deal with the day to day parenting. He pays me to do that.
I am happier without him, he was emotionally and financially abusive. I've re connected with friends and and family, enjoying dating, sorted out the divorce and finances (funded it all as he refused) and now own the family home outright.
I'm in the best position financially, emotionally and physically I've been in for over ten years... so why only now am I beginning to feel so resentful of him?
He gets to pick up his life and start again, no worries of our children's day to day life. Minimum school holiday cover (he just chooses and I have to sort the rest), gets to go away on multiple foreign holidays a year and generally ticks along with little resposibility other than paying the maintenance.
I wouldn't have it any other way than the children living with me but I've suddenly realised everything I do is governed by what's best for the DC, he fits them around his needs. I feel guilty even writing this. How can I get past it?
I have no words of advice I'm afraid except to say I'm in the same position as you. Although mine didn't go to live with OW although I suspect he's still seeing her or somebody else. He also still lives locally and I'm only 4 months along from him leaving.
I'm so resentful though, he is happy and getting on with his life. Doing everything that he wants whilst still getting to see his kids. I fell, meanwhile, that he has chucked a hand grenade right at the very heart of my family and I'm left scrabbling around trying to put the pieces back together.
Hope someone comes along who can offer you some helpful advice. Will be following this thread though. Good luck OP
I hope my own resentment will fade in time. STBXH gets to skip off and reinvent himself. He does pay his share and sees them EOW but I'm carrying the responsibility of the children all bar 4 days and 2 nights a month with no family support within a 220 mile radius.
I guess I have the best bit though. The love and the trust of the kids. I'm trying not to chew myself up at the unfairness.
Thank you Carrie, I'm much further along and I promise it does get better. I just wish I could not be resentful of his new life, even though I don't want it
My situation is not quite the same. I left my EXP, abusive lazy arse who I spent my 30s with and who refused point blank to deal with fertility issues so I'm left in my 40s with no DC which is sad.
I moved on, spent 2 years looking after myself, losing weight, spending time with friends, good job, holidays and now a new DP of about 5 months.
Here's the thing, now I have bouts of inner rage with myself and EXP for years wasted. I think about what he did to me, both abusive and denying me the chance of a family and I'm sooo angry. I posted about this some while ago. I could kick myself and him. Someone said it might be part of grieving lost time, particularly as new DP is so different in every way. I don't know, it's odd but I know what you mean
I think when you first escape an emotionally abusive relationship it is (at first) just such a relief to feel happy. It takes a while to sink in that the other person was responsible for making you unhappy for such a long time, and it is horrifically unfair that he got away with no consequences. Hence the anger / resentment. I think it fades in time, and in years to come when you are the one with a proper relationship with your grown up children you can be incredibly smug. Disney Dads are only popular in the short term - it is generally (ime) the rock of a mum that adult children keep up decent relationships with.
How to deal with the resentment? By not looking at him being the winner. As you've said, you're in the best position financially and emotionally that you've been in years, you're the winner. Him picking and choosing when he sees his children makes him the loser in my book.
After DV I am worse of financially, lost my home, DD's dad has terminated contact with her and he pays no maintenance. Meanwhile, he's travelling through Asia finding himself but I get to raise DD without having to deal with his crap and that's where I win big time.
Ex's mother, now and again tries to give me some sob story about him but the Isetan death stare, works a treat for shutting that shit down PDK.
You've made lemonade from lemons and you should be pretty damn proud of yourself for that.
OP, you don't actually know that your XH is happy. To you it looks like he is happy, and perhaps he is trying to give you that impression. But really you have no way of knowing what goes on in his head or how his life is. You only see glimpses.
I think that you need to get to a place where you don't compare. Where his happiness or unhappiness doesn't affect you, a place where you own happiness is what matters to you.
Our thoughts decides our mood. If you thoughts are about your XH, then that directly affects your happiness.
I'm not saying it's easy! Can you afford therapy/counselling?
My parents split up when I was 7. I'm now in my mid 40s. My father has had the life of riley, there was no CSA when we were younger. He stopped paying maintenance to my mum (whom I and my DS - 3 years younger than me - lived with) when I was 12 saying he had had a mental breakdown and he and my now stepmum were buying a barn and doing it up. They actually bought two barns and sold one as a house to a fund manager in the city (they live out in Suffolk an hour away from where we lived with my mum). My stepfather - as my mum remarried - paid half his salary to his ex and their two DC.
Now as I'm older - and even though I've got a relationship of sorts with my father and my stepmother - I am full aware of the sacrifices my mum had to make (she was about to retrain as an interior designer when my dad decided to stop paying maintenance). My dad now owns two properties and yes my mum is resentful still (as my step father died a few years back - he was quite young) but my mum got the best deael. She is much happier than my father - even though she materially has a lot less than him (she lost her home in 1990s recession). I don't know if this will help you, but I'm saying your children will know which parent cared the most for them. It's normal to feel resentful; I work full time (have two DC - 8 and 3) and my SIL is a stay at home mum with two younger DC. I get jealous as I have to be up at 5.30am every morning. But - I have financial independence and a career and a sense of self worth (the way I see it - being resentful is a form of self awareness albeit it not necessarily positive) which I know when my children are older - they will appreciate.
I say - well done you!
that was a bit rushed. I am married - but my DH is retraining as a teacher - I'm trying to present the DC view of what you are going through! x
I don't think it ever goes away, I think you just learn to suck it up and try not to let it get to you. It's not fair I know - I'm 4.5 years in now (very similar circumstances) and it still winds me up when I let it.
You've done an amazing job in giving your kids and yourself stability so hats off to you OP. Maybe now the adrenaline of getting everything sorted has worn off and you can breathe a bit more you've realised this is the long term reality for you.
My children see their dad fairly frequently but my eldest has a strained relationship with him; all the really key childhood moments are with me - mine hasn't done a birthday or a Christmas (his choice) so I just hope if I keep on going it'll keep getting a bit easier.
You're setting your children a really good example in putting them first - I'm sure they'll understand and appreciate this as they get older.
I think just don't think about it much and disengage, try knowing as little about his life as possible. You will have the stronger relationship with your dc and that's worth more than fancy-schmancy holidays.
Join the discussion
Please login first.