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He doesn't know I'm a mum...yet

(20 Posts)
namechangedforthis12 Thu 27-Apr-17 15:55:53

So I left OH after years of basically being a single mum but to the outside world being in a relationship - we had no sex for years, no anything and he was emotionally abusive to me.
I joined a gym at the start of this year and got friendly with a personal trainer who I hired to train me. I thought he was good looking but have been focused on working on myself so didn't even think of anything progressing. The gym has been my escape from my separation and being a mum so i've never talked about the separaton or being a mum with him - usually just work and random banter.
Thing is i'm pretty sure he's interested in me now, texts me all the time and always asking to see me (not for training), and he's just been a lovely guy.
I just feel mortified now and also a bit embarrassed that I never brought up the kids thing. I have changed my whatsapp to photos of me and the boys but he's never asked. I just don't know how to drop it into a conversation now - and I'm also scared to as I'm pretty sure a hot single guy like him will be in shock and drop me once he knows that. I know that means he's not right for me if so, but I guess I'm just mourning something that may never be the case anyway.
I hadn't really considered dating again, but it's just so different now when you have to tell someone that you have not only one but two kids.
Anyone had any luck with dating a guy who doesn't have kids when you have them? I think I may have to tell him via whatsapp, as the idea of seeing his face and shock when he knows is just something i don't want to see.

Justmadeperfectflapjacks Thu 27-Apr-17 15:58:58

I met my dh when I had dc and he didn't. . He is ten years younger. Never married. .
We are now married with a toddler.
The fact I had kids never fazed him at all though I told him in our very first conversation.
Maybe drop something casual into your chat about something funny that happened with you and dc to see his reaction. Doesn't have to be a biggie announcement.

flapjackfairy Thu 27-Apr-17 16:03:13

Tell him what have you got to lose?

namechangedforthis12 Thu 27-Apr-17 16:05:01

I know! I think I'm being a typical girl who has thought ahead about what could be when it may not even happen!

Justmadeperfectflapjacks your story gives me hope - thank you!!

fuzzywuzzy Thu 27-Apr-17 16:07:21

DP has no kids and is younger than me and he was being chased by plenty of beautiful smart women when we met, he chased me instead and didn't bat an eyelid when I told him I had kids. I told him early on hoping to put him off as alenterjng a relationship was scary for me given my previous experience.

He's an amazing father figure to them and treats us with love and respect.

If he's the right guy you having children will not phase him one tiny bit. I'd drop dc in conversation with him next time and go from there.

As a parent you come as part of a package with your DC.

C0RAL Thu 27-Apr-17 16:07:36

He might have kids too.

Justmadeperfectflapjacks Thu 27-Apr-17 16:15:28

(By the way op - I had 10 dc!)
Don't ever ever think having dc is an issue. . My dh said he feels priveliged to be a part of our lives. . He didn't 'take us on' . . We let him in. .

namechangedforthis12 Thu 27-Apr-17 16:17:00

thanks fuzzywuzzy - yes i think i've let him chase me so far as even though i've really liked him i'm not in any rush for something serious. but the more we chat the more i realise i like him so it needs to be said. love your story though and sounds like you've found a great guy.

I know he doesn't have kids...it's literally the first thing he said to me - that he wasn't married or had kids - as he had a client texting him telling him as she fancied him but wanted to know if he had a wife/kids. lol.

namechangedforthis12 Thu 27-Apr-17 16:19:14

justmadeperfectflapjacks wow thank you i think because i'm thinking how i would feel as a single person. i've always felt that because i'm a mum guys immediately aren't interested any more. but think that had a lot to do with my self esteem too, i've been miserable for years and gained a lot of weight because of my EA relationship. Now i'm single and lost weight i have had a lot of interest but no one has turned my head until this guy. I'll not get my hopes up but it's nice to hear positive stories and know that some guys are still willing to pursue single mums smile

MatildaTheCat Thu 27-Apr-17 17:27:09

If you have a whatsapp pic with your DC he probably does know.

I hate to sound old and boring but I'd be very wary. It's pretty unprofessional of a personal trainer to flirt with a client and he probably has picked up on your vulnerability. Just be careful, that's all.

Take care.

DuchessK Thu 27-Apr-17 17:37:41

You need to drop it into convo, if he is put off then he isn't worth the effort.

Also consider that he might be struggling with a conscious about asking out a client? maybe jokingly ask if he has ever dated a customer? you might need to change personal trainers if you wish to get jiggy with him?

IToldYouIWasFreaky Thu 27-Apr-17 17:45:15

Yes, I agree with Matilda. By all means, enjoy the banter and flirting but do keep your guard up a bit. Don't let it spoil something that you have been enjoying doing for yourself too - maybe worth switching gyms or trainers and seeing whether he keeps up the level of communication then?

Having said all that, I'm currently dating a lovely childless man. The fact that I have DS hasn't put him off, in fact they really like each other! But in my experience of online dating, it will put some people off, for all kinds of reasons and I think you need to be up front about it.

namechangedforthis12 Thu 27-Apr-17 18:24:00

Thanks everyone. Yep I'm pretty sure he isn't wanting to ruin the client/trainer thing right now as he's the best/most popular trainer at the gym. I'd rather just continue platonically (is that a word?) until I'm done with my sessions with him and see what happens - will expect nothing to happen but if it does that's a bonus. Plus it's probably best that we get to know each other through the sessions anyway and once he finds out more about me we could just end up as friends. I guess it's a good distraction from life.

But I wouldn't say he see's me as vulnerable or is taking advantage at all. I don't come across that way. I'm actually in a really happy place and don't actually need to date anyone.

springydaffs Thu 27-Apr-17 18:53:31

Woh! I'd be VERY wary of a trainer coming to me. You may not feel vulnerable - but you are. BIG no-no to come on to a client.

Get a new trainer

MrsPeelyWaly Fri 28-Apr-17 04:52:03

OP, I only ever exercise with a PT so based on experience - if any of my PT's had ever behaved this way I'd have them out of my life as soon as I'd read the first text. There would never have been a second one, and far from wondering about how you'd tell him you have children you need to be wondering how many more of his clients have been on the receiving end of his attention. The guy is unprofessional and should be reported to the gym management.

He's also a creep.

MrsPeelyWaly Fri 28-Apr-17 05:00:59

Sorry OP I forgot to add I was in the business and owned a Health Club so my reply is also based on that.

Oh and I my beloved dad is actually my step dad who married my mum when I was 15 and my sister was 12. He was 10 years younger than her and only 8 years older than me. Im now 59. He's the only dad Ive ever wanted or needed and there is no one else either for my children and their children.

uhoh2016 Fri 28-Apr-17 05:04:30

☝️☝️☝️☝️what mrspeely said

Sample1936 Fri 28-Apr-17 05:07:14

Trainer hitting on a client? How cliché.

I don't think he'd mind the children, it's the separated but still living eith husband part that may worry him. I think he just wants casual sex and I bet you're not the only client he flirts with.

ThumbWitchesAbroad Fri 28-Apr-17 05:26:31

Well it's a good test of how much of a prospect he is, isn't it.
You obviously can't keep your DC hidden forever, so you need to drop it into the convo now. Then if he backs off, he was a loser anyway and you're better off without him.
If he doesn't back off but expresses concerns, then there's hope.
If he has no concerns about you having children then woohoo - he might be worth hanging on to!

Good litmus test. Do it sooner rather than later and don't waste your time if he turns out to be a loser.

TheStoic Fri 28-Apr-17 07:05:06

He's been telling you about the flirty texts he gets from other clients, and he's flirting with you?

The guy is a player. You are not the only woman he is texting.

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