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AIBU to ask for NC after EA revalations

(28 Posts)
yetmorecrap Thu 27-Apr-17 14:35:35

Have posted before about my DH and finding out about very old EA with an ex employee of ours culminating in finding very longing songs he wrote and recorded onto CD about her (with him singing and playing (found by me accidentally when looking for something else 11 years after events as he had been too lazy it seems to throw them away) . She moved abroad and has since married and just had a baby. They always remained in occasional touch long after she did anything for us and of course I didnt know the full score as i hadnt seen these songs etc, so never objected to this.. He still maintains it was just "a crush" --all one sided on his part and she knew nothing, (she was very young (20) and single) although she did text him a lot at the time and gave him a painting she had painted. . He has never removed her off FB or his phone contacts after I confronted just before xmas and asked me the other week if it was ok for him to offer congratulations on her new baby on a post she made as it would look odd if he didnt . i said yes it was fine. I am busy writing a letter stating how I feel about it all, his lack of seeming that remorsful (although I do think he is hugely embarrased and hence doesnt want to talk abut it ) and just generally offloading that I need to feel that I am not "second choice" and that I think a bit of space may do me good to think about things without him being there. I basically "would" like him to beat himself up, with a nice mix of grovel in there too. Absolutely no sign of it, although I know he definitely doesnt want to split up . I also want him to remove this person off FB and out his phone book--I thought he might have done this himself, but no. AIBU to ask for this given its likley this person may well have known nothing at all. ? They are definitely not in touch any other way and she seems very happy with her husband and new baby etc.

Beelzebop Thu 27-Apr-17 14:43:41

YANBU, if he's not in contact it won't matter to him. It will also make you feel better xx.

Adora10 Thu 27-Apr-17 15:08:47

No you are not and he's some cheek making you ask; he sounds very unremorseful tbh.

Offred Thu 27-Apr-17 15:20:27

YANBU but this is futile IMO.

There is literally no point in trying to make him do/not do things.

Just leave him.

yetmorecrap Thu 27-Apr-17 15:20:39

I think the problem is Adora, for him its long time in the past--compartmentalised and "doesnt want to go there" --Thats the problem when you find out horrible stuff long after events. He isnt remorseful in a "saying" it way , over and above "Im sorry, it was all in my head" and he did say "you want to hit me dont you" (personally i
wanted to punch his lights out ) He then went on to say everything seemed to be going wrong at time, mum was dying and he thinks it was just a "distraction" -- I dont think he actually knows how to be remorseful in a situation like this "verbally" . He has been much nicer to me, does ask me if Im ok if I look sad, but then clearly gets agitated if I dare mention the sadness being related to this--its all very frustrating. I would rather he said "I was a total c***, Im so sorry, I just wasnt thinking straight-- Im not naturally a jealous controlling person so to have to actually say I would rather you removed X off FB and phone, doesnt come naturally to me and wondered if it was unreasonable to ask. . To be honest, i dont think I should have to ask, but I dont think it would actually occur to him thats what he should be doing. he is an intelligent guy too!

Offred Thu 27-Apr-17 15:22:10

It doesn't matter that for him it was 11 years ago. For you it is right now.

RunRabbitRunRabbit Thu 27-Apr-17 15:34:12

I'd be far more interested in finding out who his most recent affair was with.

He's not remorseful, which means he does not think it was a particularly bad thing to do, which means he will likely have done it many times and maybe gone further.

That's where my head would be at.

yetmorecrap Thu 27-Apr-17 15:46:37

No, I am 99% sure he hasnt done it many times. I do think it was a total one off thing at a funny time . I think he is remorseful in his way--I honestly dont think he quite knows how to verbalise it . Its very easy to say just leave , if I do so then my job goes too so I have to balance that up , we dont have equity as we rent etc and I am now 55, dont have kids at home . Believe me Im still wary and thinking about it , we do get on well though generally and I am conscious of making my life worse by just leaving in a fit of pissed offness. I am baffled though why someone wouldnt just automatically think in this case "I need to remove them off FB to make yetmorecrap feel safer"

Findmuckery Thu 27-Apr-17 18:20:16

OP I'm not dismissing your feelings. I too would be pissed off and very hurt, however I do think this very probably a one sided crush and fantasy that existed in his head. She was probably flattered by the attention at the time and that's all.
I would be absolutely furious with the discovery of the CD but I'm not sure it would be enough for me to leave my H. I certainly want to see genuine remorse and removal from Facebook though. Have you looked at www.survivinginfidelity.com? There is a thread on there which you might be able to relate to as it's finding out about infidelity years later.

yetmorecrap Thu 27-Apr-17 20:18:27

Hi, yes I did post on there when I first found out, thing was I was gaslighted to for years as I did know about way too much texting at the time and was told it was just friends etc, maybe was the case on her part that's why I feel a bit guilty making him remove her!! The thing that annoyed me incredibly is this must have all been done in OUR house whilst I was down at our office , it's partly upset that his mind wandered, partly upset at the total disrespect and partly baffled at his simply not getting rid of it all

JK1773 Thu 27-Apr-17 20:39:06

If he's remorseful he should get rid of her as a contact. Sounds like she's more of an acquaintance now anyway, distant and she may know nothing about this. She'll probably be puzzled if she notices even, but so what. He needs to validate your feelings and respect you or you'll never get past it. Good on you for trying x

ocelot7 Thu 27-Apr-17 20:52:52

Yetmore you are torturing yourself about this across so many threads that I am concerned for you. Is there any way you can make peace with this? eg talk it through with a counsellor I don't think its about him removing her as a contact - it doesn't seem it would make any difference to how you feel. You say he doesn't want to split up but do you? Is there actually any way back for you (whatever he does)?

I am not taking his side but, thinking about it, I would find it hard to engage now about something stupid I did so long ago because I would have probably worked it through in my head. That it was a distraction, infatuation sounds plausible to me and that he didn't act on it (because it was unrequited) - but can you believe that? Can you accept that he might have had feelings for someone (if never acted upon because she probably saw him as an avuncular figure)? Sorry I don't recall if she knows about the songs/that they were for her.

We internet people don't KNOW - we just theorize based on what we have experienced ourselves. You are going to have to decide this yourself ultimately.
I wonder if he has got any idea about the utter turmoil you are in?

yetmorecrap Thu 27-Apr-17 20:57:05

My heart is still slightly frozen towards him , to be honest I still have steam coming out my ears but it's not obvious to him, but my head says that with a business that I would possibly have to leave as we work together and at 55 that after 21 years I have to maybe give it a shot still and reassess at end of year , counsellor told me much the same , don't rush, however that doesn't mean to say in the meantime I don't think I should be more assertive and expect to actually hear some verbal remorse and him take appropriate actions, she isn't a threat but I don't think he should be allowed to have no repercussions at all for being so disrespectful and at the moment it does feel like that . I am saying I want full facts , answers to questions and if I don't get them I will consider contacting her myself, (I'm not but don't think he will want that)

yetmorecrap Thu 27-Apr-17 21:07:46

Ocelot, I so know!! I just wish I had never seen the stuff, I think it's the lack of it being allowed to be brought up without him getting irritated that got me and the fact I don't know 100% if he is telling the truth and too late to be able to find out really. No I don't think he does know exactly how much, because it's a non starter for discussion. No, I am told he didn't ever share the stuff he did, he did tell me that much. To be honest if I had known of this at the time I would have told him to stick it where the sun doesn't shine. Mind you , when you read stuff on here about guys going after escorts and hookers and beating women up and financially abusing them, a bit of misplaced over affection and a desire to wander off into the sunset with them, seems quite trivial

ocelot7 Thu 27-Apr-17 21:08:55

Yetmore from what you say there are only practical/pragmatic reasons for staying in the marriage. Are you just apprehensive about starting over? Its still possible! smile (You are younger than me)

It all sounds like you want revenge but I don't think that is going to unfreeze your heart or bring you peace
You don't want to feel this way 5, 10 years down the line....

yetmorecrap Thu 27-Apr-17 21:34:58

I'm unsure to be honest, we are very good friends, that's what threw me I guess , and it's why I'm not rushing either. I don't want revenge as such but I do to be honest think I want him to at least feel crap about it . Maybe he does, he just won't verbalise it. It's my second marriage and I do feel ok about starting again if needs be, I think this is one where time will tell, but thanks for caring, it's appreciated, he is on tour at moment and this is where the other business started as she was tour assistant , so guess I'm feeling a bit vulnerable as it's a bit of a 'trigger' for me .

ocelot7 Thu 27-Apr-17 22:28:44

Its hard to recreate feelings (of anything) so many years on - maybe he did feel guilty at the time but the feeling has passed long ago & he is not willing to go back there. Is this what his unwillingness to discuss it suggests?Most people avoid the level of self reflection that would force them to confront their less than perfect self

Many years ago a man who wanted to marry me let me down badly (not even in this way) & my feelings for him froze right then and that was it - over. If I had spent all the intervening years happily with him & heard about it only now it wouldn't be so straightforward for me (as it isn't for you) but I wouldn't be as decisive so long after the fact. Probably I would think all the good years were worth more and I had to let it go.

SandyY2K Thu 27-Apr-17 23:03:12

Tell him you'd like her removed from his FB, as following the discovery, you find it to be a trigger for you.

When you say it was an EA. If it was one sided, then it wasn't an EA, it was a one sided infatuation /crush on her.

Of course, it may be that he's not being totally honest with you, but unfortunately you have no way of knowing.

Removing her from FB is the very least he can do.

yetmorecrap Thu 27-Apr-17 23:07:13

I think Ocelot, what made it worse was middle of last year for a few months our current assistant who is rather a needy single mum was over texting and whatsapping to him, first I saw was the phone bills and he had been deleting on his phone, Told me it had stopped but she was just using WhatsApp instead, not proud of myself, I swiped his phone and to be honest it was all total drivel initiated by her and he was just responding, nothing dodgy, maybe just a bit overfamiliar on her part, I think he was too cowardly to tell her to cut it but that was before I found this other stuff and I think it's the two together that have freaked me somewhat

ocelot7 Fri 28-Apr-17 00:23:20

Sweetie you need to be having so much fun while he's away that you don't have time to give him a thought! flowers

yetmorecrap Fri 28-Apr-17 00:54:12

Well I did go to a salsa party last Saturday and met a lovely lady (ironically had a right bastard ex, full bingo card of escorts, sexting, you name it he did it) but actually we had a lovely time and met today for coffee and I'm off out tommorrow night as well , meet ups are very useful, I'm definitely making sure I start doing some fun stuff , too much on our business last few years, not enough on me!

Findmuckery Fri 28-Apr-17 08:10:24

Good for you OP it's time to put yourself first and focus on enjoying yourself

yetmorecrap Fri 28-Apr-17 09:59:34

Yep, as solicitor said when I went to check my position a few months ago, start socialising again even if just the odd thing, be assertive , be vigilant and look after number 1, which is you!! Lovely lady she was too , that way if you decide it's not working it's not such a huge leap!! I was panicking too about money as we work together but she assured me because I have always worked in the business but we don't have many assets despite earning quite well that I am a rare case these days of spousal maintenance being very much on the table , as it's a long marriage .

Findmuckery Fri 28-Apr-17 13:38:59

Yes OP I went to see a lovely solicitor too. She also told me I'd be entitled to spousal maintenance and half his pension. To be honest I'm not interested in 'taking him to the cleaners ' but I want to ensure I don't have an impoverished retirement.

Findmuckery Fri 28-Apr-17 13:40:43

I think it sounds like you'll stay with your husband and I would if I was in your position. My H definitely cheated on me so my choice is made for me.

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