Help me move forward please(9 Posts)
I've been a member of mumsnet for years, have name changed, not that I was a regular poster but have asked advice related to this same topic and for whatever reason I just can't seem to make the decision that I know deep down is probably the right one. In fact I seem to dig myself in deeper
I don't know where to start, basically I'm at a huge crossroads not only with dh but in a few of my relationships. It seems to be that I'm getting so tired of the crap I've allowed others to throw my way that I'm verging on bitterness and it's only damaging me. I've stepped back from a few friendships that have caused me hurt and where it was expected that I forgive and forget when actually I should called time on the friendship then and there. Trying to work out why I do this and why I am (unconciously maybe?) drawn to people who will treat me this way. While I am sad at the loss of the friends I can't go on pretending that I'm ok with how I've been treated. I also feel I'm retreating from all relationships, not sure how to put trust in people and quite honestly I'm lonely but don't want the hurt.
Dh and I are at loggerheads. Things have never been very easy although there are obviously good times and I'm aware that I have brought as many issues to the relationship as he has. No one is perfect but I can't go on like this. We have 1 child together and I have 2 to a previous partner. I'm embarrassed that if we split up, people will say I told you so and what a waste of time and money etc on a wedding. I hate the thought of failing at another relationship, splitting contact and all the upheaval for the kids. Otoh I know it's not healthy to live in an environment where parents are not happy, I suspect this is where my issues about relationships come from.
Dh has many good points, he's funny, will do things IF ASKED! He works full time and is generous with money, will encourage me to do things to better myself. However, he is incredibly lazy/incompetent. I have to take responsibility for everything, it is a constant source of arguments, leaving me exhausted and too busy to actually do the things he encourages me to do. I have tried to work out if he is genuinely just really rubbish at the household stuff, bring intentionally crap do not to be asked again or if he's even aware that's what he's doing. I can't work it out.
He needs to be reminded to iron clothes for the kids if they look a bit wrinkled, wash faces brush teeth etc If there's no shopping he doesn't have the motivation to say lets get a list and get some shopping in. I pay all the bills apart from his phone bill and he even forgets at times to have that in on time, causing charges etc all school dates/groups/car stuff/house admin/house work has to be delegated and explained. Fair enough if it needs pointed out and explained a few times but still? This is going on 9 years.
Everytime it's raised he says hes trying, he doesn't notice, it doesn't occur to him, what can he do to sort it. Aaahh doesn't get that he needs to sort it not me to work out how to sort it for him!! I said a couple of days ago what would he do if I wasn't here? I'd just do it was the answer.
I've said its getting the stage where I think it's better if he finds somewhere else to live for a period to give me some space to try and work through this. That's not going to work for him. I said this isn't working for me now, and that's where I'm at.
He also promises to do things and they never materialise, he has good intentions I think just can never see things through. I resent him, I'm exhausted with this, I cant work due to illness and find things difficult enough as it is. I'm scared though that I won't manage the kids on my own. Just don't know where to go with it now.
Thanks for reading if you made it this far!
However, he is incredibly lazy/incompetent. I have to take responsibility for everything, it is a constant source of arguments
I really think you need to have a trial separation, he knows fine well the kids clothes are creased, their teeth not cleaned etc; he knows you will do it or he will do it after you nag him; it's not fair on you for him to expect you to parent him too.
Let him feel what it's like to be on his own; he's either in it 50/50 with mutual respect and support or he's not; don't settle for any less than that.
My husband has always been like this too OP, in the end the bills come to me and I pay them and I have control fo the money and pay him money over for personal expenditure (big amounts too) and stuff for car loan etc every month , but was the kind of person who would get annoyed if we accidentally had phone cut etc (happened twice I think when i forgot to change bank details for Direct debit) . same with ironing/washing--would get annoyed if something specific wasnt clean or ironed but would never think to iron or put a wash on. Ive got used to it over theyears and tend to think maybe 50% of men are the same, but maybe thats not true--Im not sure. I think many men get very "into" their career/business etc and forget about "life laundry" --they tend to think thats what the wife is for.
You say you can't work so are you sahm?
How old are the dc? Resentment is a relationship killer but just wonder if you could let some things go and do activities which give you not so you feel happier.
In a relationship where there isn't abuse I think compromise might be needed.
I am just wondering if you stopped doing some things might be eventually just pick them up.
same with ironing/washing--would get annoyed if something specific wasnt clean or ironed but would never think to iron or put a wash on. Ive got used to it over theyears and tend to think maybe 50% of men are the same, but maybe thats not true--Im not sure. I think many men get very "into" their career/business etc and forget about "life laundry" --they tend to think thats what the wife is for.
Where do you get your 50% from? I have four brothers and a partner, all very capable and happy to iron a bloody shirt; fgs, please don't tell the OP that half the male population are like this.
By forget you really mean, don't give a shit.
Yes technically I am a sahm. I have an illness that needs to be managed very carefully in order to allow me to function enough to do what needs done on a daily basis for the children. This has, I think brought to certainly my attention that I have always done all the 'wife work' plus worked full time in the past. Even when he was part time so I've enabled him. Since being ill I can't, not working doesn't sit well with me. I am hoping to do a course from home that will enable me to get into a self employed career that I am sure I could manage if I had the support at home. I am far too exhausted with the constant battles, the having to do things he hasn't or constantly ask if he's done or explain what needs done that he is more than capable of, to be able to do activities or the course. I've tried explaining till I'm blue in the face but he doesn't get it. He, on the surface appears supportive until it actually requires him to do something. I have asked him to cut hours and we would manage financially and he could be more hands on but he doesn't want to. He enjoys his job.
I am by no means a perfectionist or a harpy, but I expect my children to go to nursery/school clean and presentable and to learn these routines. Have decent food available to them. It's a basic need. The 'I forgots' really annoy me, I can't forget - it's my responsibility. I can't not notice things, that's also my responsibility.
I am at present on a sort of strike, I've just cut back on all household things and nope the fridge is empty, his washing is not done and it will stay that way, he will drop by a shop on way home and buy himself a ready meal etc. I'm paying bills and seeing to kids because I have to. I understand compromise is required and me being at home it's fair I should take on more house things, but it's the doing things wrong and me having to do them again or micro manage everything he does to make sure kids are clean etc. That's not on.
I think a seperation maybe the only way forward and I can look at things clearer. I suspect he would change for a bit though and then the cycle would start again. I just don't understand it, So can't work out how to change it.
I suspect the not giving a shit is in there, he's either lying to me that he thinks this way or its that ingrained it subconscious behaviour. People think he's such a nice guy too, he is but not to live alongside watching me exhaust myself making an illness worse to just get by day to day.
he will drop by a shop on way home and buy himself a ready meal etc
Yip, utterly selfish.
Get that separation going OP; he needs a massive wake up call.
Ha Adora, clearly you have been getting the brothers and partner that Ive yet to meet. Maybe 85% of men are Ok about doing washing and ironing-- sadly it would seem Ive only ever known the 15% .!!
Don't get me wrong, women still to the bulk of jobs, but for a man to be annoyed at me for not ironing his shirt, well, sorry, just no way I'd tolerate that, that's one thing they seem to be good at as well.
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