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There's no love left

(11 Posts)
MrsCK Thu 27-Apr-17 12:11:19

I'm not really sure where to start. I'm sat at work crying because everything has just come to a head. We have a 2 year old. Been together 12 years. I love him but I don't feel he loves me anymore. The past 4 months have been full of stress. New job for me, moving house, and then 6 weeks of constant illness and hospital admissions for me and my son. But my dh just doesn't seem to cope and then doesn't seem to care. He gets angry about everything, ends up shouting and taking every little thing out on me. It's my fault if we are late, it was me he shouted at when we were left waiting for ages in the hospital. He never loves me or cares for me or is kind to me. There's no happiness between us just constant negativity and I feel so lonely. We used to laugh and joke and have fun with each other. We still have fun days with our son but not with each other. It always seems to be me trying to inject life back into our relationship, he just doesn't seem to care. This morning was another case of us being late was my fault and I'm fed up of being the one holding everything together. He never wants sex. We moved house 3 months ago and we've not even had sex in our new house. Do I cut my losses and leave? I love him. I've tried talking to him before about this but he denies the situation. It's like he needs help in how to be happy. I'm exhausted, I'm emotional, I'm just done with it all. I really really need a hug sad

UmizoomiBananaRamama Thu 27-Apr-17 12:15:59

virtual hug

Could you suggest couples therapy?

Having a baby, moving house and starting a new job are some of the most stressful things that can happen in your lifetime, never mind the hospital trips and illnesses.

Don't really have much advice but cry it out and hope you feel better.

whatsmyname2017 Thu 27-Apr-17 14:58:52

Hi OP I can totally relate to this. My partner is very much the same. He's never happy, always angry and complaining and nothing is ever his fault. We too have had added stresses recently with moving house twice and his Mother being very very ill. Instead of talking to me about that, he withdraws and ignores me. I don't feel like there is any love there at all, in fact I think we both really dislike each other.
Things chipped away at me for years and eventually I told him it was over and we needed to sell the house. Instead of trying to work things out, he has reacted angrily and behaved like a complete a-hole to me and the kids.
So although I';m currently going through hell still living with him and his toxic behaviour, I can see an end in sight.
I decided I deserved to be happy and I think you do to!

MrsCK Thu 27-Apr-17 15:27:25

Totally pathetic but I do love him. He's my best friend and I would do anything for him. I think I've just got so used to giving to other people I've neglected myself and other people have got used to neglecting me too and it's finally just sunk in. I just want someone to love me sad I sent him a huge message this morning trying to explain as best as I could how lonely and unloved I feel. He's read it but isn't replying. Ugh how teenagerish. I just know it's going to end up with him getting angry again because can't I see what he does for us and blah blah blah. Yes I can see what he does for us. I can see how hard he works and that he tries some days to come on days out etc and have happy family time. But that's not it. It's how I feel and how he is with me.

AttilaTheMeerkat Thu 27-Apr-17 15:37:06

What do you get out of this relationship now?.

What is there to love about this man at all, a person who does not show you any kindness or cares for you?. Are you really confusing love with co-dependency?.

If you have tried talking to him and he keeps on denying the situation there is really nothing more that you can do.

MrsCK Thu 27-Apr-17 15:44:28

I am so dependent on him. On his income, on the car (I don't drive and can only really do my job because he takes me to and from work). How can I leave really when I need someone to live with and to be a companion?

isitjustme2017 Thu 27-Apr-17 16:14:33

You need to have it out with him then. Don't be fobbed off. Sit him down and ask him if he read your message and what does he think?
Tell him you want to try counselling otherwise you're considering leaving. You can't carry on like this, whether you love him or not. It has to be a 2-way thing and, at the moment, its not.

SandyY2K Thu 27-Apr-17 17:12:47

It doesn't sound good really. He might be trying to think about how to respond to your message. So a lack of response at this point isn't something to worry about.

If he doesn't say anything about it when he gets home, that's another issue.

Having said that if you've got in a state where communicating is difficult, then it won't be easy to broach the issue.

You've both been through some major stress recently, but his behaviour sounds a bit extreme and he doesn't see that there's a problem. That in itself is a big problem.

Have you just bought a house or rented?

I only ask for a because his behaviour is also that of some men having affair. Especially the lack of interest in sex, but if you'd purchased a house in the and he's having an affair with that seems to be a big commitment for someone not all in.

He has fun when out with your DS, but not just the two of you... So it looks like his issue is with you. Is he moody with his friends, family or anyone else like this?

My suggestion would be to stop trying to initiate sex with him.

Start being more independent and consider learning how to drive.

When he gets into a rant and shouts, don't respond. Just say nothing and carry on doing what you need to do.

Try doing an activity independent of your DH.

You are much too young to be so dependent and you leave yourself vulnerable by being so dependent.

The more dependant you are, the more you feel the loss and struggle to function if the relationship ends.

If you can, ask him if he still wants to be married, because his actions don't seem to show that. Go one further and ask if he'd still want to be married if you didn't have DS.

Teepish Thu 27-Apr-17 17:56:05

I'm so sorry you are going through this, I know how it feels flowers

MrsCK Thu 27-Apr-17 18:02:01

Thanks for your advice. We've just bought..second time and are planning an extension too. The deposit money is all mine so that's something I guess. Unfortunately I can't ever learn to drive due to a disability. Yet another thing that removes my independence.

He came and picked me up from work telling me he's booked a babysitter for a night over the weekend for us to talk properly. I'm hoping it's a start. I very rarely initiate sex but he never ever does so basically if I don't initiate it we never have it. The thought of him having an affair crossed my mind. He's very secretive about his phone but I've not found anything on it.

I think we are just too used to each other tbh.

Hermonie2016 Thu 27-Apr-17 23:05:15

It seems like he takes his stress/anxiety out on you.
Is he open to discussing issues? Just wonder if CBT might help but he needs to recognise his behaviour is negative/bordering on abusive.

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