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Is my relationship over?

(13 Posts)
relationshiptrouble Thu 27-Apr-17 11:43:57

Need some advice, am a regular poster but namechange.

So, OH and I have been together 20 years, two kids in late teens/early 20s. We've been through many tough times but always been able to resolve them.

Had a problem five years in where both of us had an emotional affair over about three months, we had a massive fight about it but again strength about the issues, mainly external as one kid has extreme ADHD.

Sex was incredibly until about 18 months ago. OHs libido has disappeared, I can count number of sessions on one hand. These are mainly oral and finger usage, some toys. Cannot remember the last time we had penetrative sex.

We still sleep in the same bed, we hold hands while settling down. Can count number of kisses on one hand since Xmas, cannot remember last snob. OH doesn't say "love you" or any other emotive words.

So, I think OH may be having an emotional affair, I can't check because of password, and OH is very technically gifted so doubt I would find any evidence if I managed to get in. Should also note that due to health issues, OH is in bed most of the time and I'm downstairs. OH tries best to get out. Went for a meal a couple of weeks ago which was nice, but felt a lack of emotion.

It just feels like we are friends rather than lovers, just going through the motions. Are we done, is this it? We've talked recently about IVF for a baby but my emotions are all over the place...

TheNaze73 Thu 27-Apr-17 11:48:26

I really don't think a baby will sort your issues out, the extra stress will only highlight how fragile the foundations of your relationship are.
Saying I love you means the square root of fuck all, if his actions aren't backing it up, so I think there are bigger issues afoot. He should address them with you.
OW didn't spring to mind when I read this. Just see it as him being unhappy but, being selfish in not facing into it & telling you why.

Justmadeperfectflapjacks Thu 27-Apr-17 11:50:29

Bloody hell no.
Is he under a Dr for this health issues?
You have both cheated and have no commitment to your marriage imo.
Why don't you have sex?
Have you both been sti tested?
He may be avoiding sex if he thinks he may have one. .
What's in this life for you??

Changedname3456 Thu 27-Apr-17 11:51:51

Are you sure he's not depressed rather than having an EA? The not getting out of bed / not socialising and the underlying health problem would be enough to kick most people into touch.

Is he aware that you're feeling pushed away? Have you tried to talk to him about it?

Have the health issues been going on for the same length of time as the deterioration in your sex life - perhaps they've triggered ED and he hasn't felt able to talk about it?

SissySpacekAteMyHamster Thu 27-Apr-17 11:55:25

You mentioned health issues, is there maybe a problem with your OH maintaining an election or just not getting turned on?

His lack of libido seems strange if sex before was great.

Have you discussed the lack of sex with him?

You mention an emotional affair, why only emotional?

SissySpacekAteMyHamster Thu 27-Apr-17 11:55:56

Meant erection. Bloody autocorrect!

relationshiptrouble Thu 27-Apr-17 15:03:31

The emotional affairs we both had was when we were very young 20 and 21, it was a stupid thing we both got pulled into.

I'm not sure why we're not having sex, OH says libido has gone.

There's not a lot for me here, and with the kids grown up the impact will be less than if they were school age.

relationshiptrouble Thu 27-Apr-17 15:12:16

The health issue constrains to bed, its not OHs fault he can't get out of bed. He's on a glut of medication for the health issue and antidepressants. I'd be amazed if he wasn't depressed tbh.

He seems ok, and happy to give me sex involving oral, fingers, toys, and when he does I have loads of orgasms; this really makes him happy but he pulls away if i want to do things to him. He bloody amazes me with what he can do. We were both sti tested at the end of last year - the GP advised it as part of IVF preparation.

We've always had a deep and loving relationship, we've talked and I've expressed my feelings. We've changed car to an automatic which he says will cause him less health problems and soy hopes we can get out more. As for potential ED, he's just changed antidepressants and hopes this will resolve the libido problem, and one of his medications is known to have ED as a side effects. I work in health science and it's quite cruel what this particular drug does. I've told him Viagra could be a solution to his libido issues.

Sorry for the length of this drip feed, the posts made helped me think more deeply.

SissySpacekAteMyHamster Thu 27-Apr-17 16:05:52

Definitely discuss with him and look into viagra if he wants things to change. X

BagelGoesWalking Thu 27-Apr-17 16:13:04

This is my entirely unprofessional opinion but I think you'd be FUCKING MAD to think of having another child in your circumstances.

ImperialBlether Thu 27-Apr-17 16:17:09

So you think he's having an emotional affair? He can't get out of bed due to illness and you think you want another baby with him?

This doesn't make any sense to me at all!

ImperialBlether Thu 27-Apr-17 16:17:26

In other words, just what Bagel said!

SandyY2K Thu 27-Apr-17 16:31:52

I have to agree that having a baby is not a good idea. With him confined to bed all the childcare will fall on you.

I think the fact that he's very into making sure you get some sexual pleasure is good and he enjoys giving you that pleasure. He's doing the best he can under the circumstances.

If he's not in pain, could you do some things together while he is in bed. Like watch a film together or something. Maybe play a boardgame.

It's quite hard when he can't get out and that may well be making him even more depressed.

Could you do something different to cheer him up... Something sentimental with nice memories to the both of you.

It sounds like passion is missing, but on all the medication he's on, it's not surprising.

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