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Relationship anxiety

(7 Posts)
buzzpopprince Thu 27-Apr-17 10:39:24

I met a really lovely man on Tinder in early Jan. Since it started he has been consistent in his contact with me, largely over what's app, he doesn't like the phone much.

I have stayed at his place and he has stayed at mine, we see each other usually twice a week staying over. He has met my DD (17)

Kissing and sex was VERY slow, he is shy and unsure I think. Things came to a head last weekend with lack of sex, we have tried a couple of times but it was a struggle I think for him, he has said he has been wanted to talk about it, has low sex drive and has been to doctor and tested, tests came back normal so has got viagra I think. He is 43

The time we spend together is wonderful, whether they are dates or at our houses. I am very happy, he is very affectionate, kind and has all the values that are important to me, and similar world/life view,
I have not met his friends or family. He has just given up his place to go travelling over which I think is making me very wobbly, but I absolutely support his plans.

My issue is managing my own anxiety... Last weekend when I raised the issue I was convinced all weekend that it was over, I even told him he didn't have to tell me he wanted to finish it that way (by not having sex) ...
I felt dreadful, sick and nauseaous and I think it's linked to bad relationships in the past... and childhood stuff...I don't generally go for 'Nice' men and I can't work out if it's just that I don't know how to operate in a normal relationship
. He instigated us talking again and I don't think he had seen it all as catastrophic as me, and it was lovely again when I saw him. Has anyone successful managed their anxiety in relationships...or is it that I just don't feel secure in it, because I'm not/ he's not that into me ?

When he doesn't seen that keen to see me, or happy to just keep it as is, I'm thinking is he still dating on Tinder etc and it makes me so anxious. I have tried to tell him that it worries me him going away etc but he didn't say anything... I just feel my anxiety is getting worse the longer it goes on. He is so lovely and I don't want to lose him, or sabotage it

buzzpopprince Thu 27-Apr-17 11:42:00

Bump

UpYerGansey Thu 27-Apr-17 12:52:03

Have you both discussed your relationship status? i.e., "I'm not seeing other people since we got together, are you?"
How long is he planning on going travelling for?
Tbh, I can understand what you're going through and ended a relationship that gave me anxiety. But I realised it was me, not him or anything he had said or done that was at the root of the anxiety.
Is the same true for you?

antimatter Thu 27-Apr-17 12:57:02

I had relationship anxiety after being treated badly by men I dated before my current BF.
What I realised is I expected him to move emotionally at the same speed. I relaxed and slowed down internal l thoughts and expectations. We are going strong 4 years later and he is as steady and measured in his responses as he was to start with.
You can be satisfied by him without full intercourse. Are you both able to enjoy sex without an intercourse?

buzzpopprince Thu 27-Apr-17 12:59:04

No, we haven't discussed it.
Very early on he said he wasn't talking to anyone on Tinder anymore. The other day he mentioned talking to someone on Tinder and I said are you still on Tinder and he said no, it was someone he had been talking to, and that he wasn't going to meet her anyway... which did not help my anxiety.

I'm wondering if it is my anxiety that is the problem, he hasn't done anything to make me mistrust him, but I'm waiting for the rug to be pulled from under me all the time. With the Added sex issue I feel anxious and insecure and it's awful sad

buzzpopprince Thu 27-Apr-17 13:15:25

Thanks for your response, helpful to hear other experiences of this

Anti - Slow and measured are exactly the words I would use to describe him, I know what you mean about slowing down emotionally perhaps I should try and not expect him to be the same as me...

Re the sex, I was encouraged that he was able to talk that through with me and that he had been to the doctor, must have been very difficult for him
...and yet I still get anxious about how he feels / that he is going to go sad

buzzpopprince Thu 27-Apr-17 13:17:35

He's going travelling for the summer

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