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AIBU about my mother?

(21 Posts)
Lewinskylakinsky Thu 27-Apr-17 03:30:00

I've never had a good relationship with my mother. I have gone LC before but she's become outraged quickly without ever allowing me to explain why. I've felt she's got better sometimes and let her back in, but it always eventually bites me. She doesn't want to communicate properly or in an empathetic way, she seemingly just wants what she wants and doesn't care how I feel.

E.g. Today.
DS had aspiration pneumonia when he was 8mo from choking on a piece of food that another family member gave him. I have developed a lot of anxiety around him eating and I need to feed him myself. My parents came round to see DGC and my M immediately took DS (who is now 10mo) and walked off with him to feed him - although she knew - and I had made it clear many times in emails, spoken, all communication, very apologetically - that I had anxiety around feeding him and I wanted to do it myself, so I can be sure he's safe and not experience anxiety/fear that someone else isn't doing it properly.

I called after her and reminded her verbally to please let me feed him (and suggested other things she could do with the other DGC.) she immediately became very angry, saying how dare you tell me what to do, you've got a nerve for speaking to me like that (i had not been confrontational at all, more apologetic) and she marched away with DS.

I followed her and got a bit angry. Usually I am a lot more passive but I have been reflecting on my relationship with her and finding my true feelings a lot more. I told her that if she wasn't prepared to do what I asked, she should leave. This made her even worse and she started accusing me of being a terrible mother to have let it happen in the first place and that I should "take a good look at myself." I said regardless, if you are going against what I ask, you need to leave. I was following her room to room at this point as she was walking away while I was talking. She then launched into this poor me thing where she said I was making her a pariah. I said it's not about you, it's about my anxiety, but you're making it about you. Then comes her childish bit "oh just shut up will you." "Oh piss off with your anxiety." "What a fuss about nothing." "Time you lived in the real world."

My Ddad has been around all this time but is completely and deliberately ignoring this argument just like he has always done. He talks to us both separately and appears to agree with us both, but when he is in the middle of it he pretends it isn't happening. This was definitely a problem in childhood.

So she went off and did her thing with ds. I was extremely upset and crying because it does cause me a lot of anxiety that something will happen to him. In the meantime she was sarcastically calling me a "precious flower" over her shoulder, and saying things to my dad like "don't upset little miss precious over there," and stuff about how I am ungrateful for their support with my DC (which i never ask for and which they actually enjoy much more than I enjoy.) and how she'd never been more offended in her life than being asked to leave by me if she didn't hand her own GC over. I tried to explain several times, very calmly, that the problem was not with her personally, it was with me. But as someone who should love me and want me to feel safe, she should let me do it myself. But again that was met with her continuing to feed him and, short of getting physical with her, there was nothing else I could do.

They stayed in total about two hours. Once my DC were in bed I made them a cup of tea and tried again to talk to my mum about what happened but she just would not engage. When I tried to tell her how I felt again she said I was "like a dog with a bone," then was ostentatiously yawning when I talked and said "you're really boring us. Please stop. You're obsessed, just get over it."

If I try and see this objectively, even from the point of view that I was being precious, if two people are functional people and have argued to the point of shouting, there is usually a time when everyone is calmer that you communicate about it to try and make it not happen next time? Isn't there? Well she doesn't do that. She is happy to come, take what she wants and leave again, never mind me crying, or wanting to discuss it.

She also says things like "we love the GC to the ends of the earth, but we have to put up with you to get to them."

My dad tried to speak to me alone and I explained how I felt to him and he understood. I calmed down after that and relaxed around her again, which she liked because it meant I was no longer holding her to account.

But this is the trap I always fall into. Dad listens to my feelings and empathises and so I relax around them. Then she uses that gap when I am relaxed to push my boundaries.

I've read all the toxic parents stuff and daughters of narcissistic mothers. Sometimes I forget it all, especially when she lays it on thick with how ungrateful I am and what a fuss I make, it makes me want to default to apologetic mode and think there must be something wrong with me. But there isn't, is there?

DIVivienneDeering Thu 27-Apr-17 03:52:24

That is absolutely terrible behaviour from her and there is absolutely nothing wrong with you.
I think she needs to know if she can't respect your wishes she is not welcome in your home. Can you make it so you visit them instead of vice versa? That would make it easier to leave. And also avoid meal times too. However I think it would be very understandable if you went low or no contact with them. Your dad is part of the problem too by enabling her.
Maybe you should consider some counselling to explore the relationship and how you feel about it further.

Pallisers Thu 27-Apr-17 04:12:20

Wrong with YOU???? I think you are under reacting if anything. Your mother is a sadistic bitch.

I am the least confrontational person in the world, put up with a lot of shit (had a very "strong" mother and a batshit crazy sister) and I learned - from my father - to put up with stuff. BUT

I'd have fucked her out of my house at this:

So she went off and did her thing with ds. I was extremely upset and crying because it does cause me a lot of anxiety that something will happen to him. In the meantime she was sarcastically calling me a "precious flower" over her shoulder, and saying things to my dad like "don't upset little miss precious over there," and stuff about how I am ungrateful for their support with my DC (which i never ask for and which they actually enjoy much more than I enjoy.) and how she'd never been more offended in her life than being asked to leave by me if she didn't hand her own GC over.

She is an utter bitch who has some sort of issue with you. You don't need to be grateful to her. She is horrible. And your dad knows it but has probably spent decades putting up with it.

Text her and say "after the way you behaved today and the things you said to me, I won't be in touch for a while"

Then block her number. Don't answer. Wait at least 2 weeks before you even open a text or open the door to her. honestly as you describe it she sounds like she was getting off on your upset. Has that happened before?

XsaraHale Thu 27-Apr-17 04:44:07

Sorry you had to go through this. A lot of people don't understand how anxiety can affect one's behaviour/need to control something others may see as 'trivial'...however, if you are repeatedly trying to get your mother to understand and respect your wishes...with no success then leave the situation. As pp has said your dad seems to be enabling this behaviour. Take a break...for your own sanity. Seems a lack of respect on your mother's part. You have recognised the toxic behaviour and it is not you that is displaying it! Big hug 🤗

kalinkafoxtrot45 Thu 27-Apr-17 04:54:42

She is hideous. You would be more than justified in dropping contact with her.

GloriaV Thu 27-Apr-17 05:06:30

Awful behaviour- and was this in front of the DCs? Utter rudeness and disrespect. I'd change the locks.

Newyearnewbrain Thu 27-Apr-17 05:29:53

She has to "put up with you" in order to see her DGCs?

Drop her like she's hot. What a vile thing to say.

PovertyPain Thu 27-Apr-17 05:42:33

Are you going to wait until she convinces your own children that you're unreasonable, selfish, pathetic, or what ever else takes her fancy, op? Because I guarantee that is what she will try to do, and with your selfish prick of a father to help her, she's liable to succeed. I'm sorry if you find what I call your father, offensive, but he is a selfish enabler. He agrees with her for a quiet life and then softens you up so you behave your self, for your mother.

You need to get them both out of your life, before they emotionally harm your children, because seeing their mother being spoken to like that will harm them. As for contact with your kids, can you be sure she won't be dripping poison into their ears.

OldGuard Thu 27-Apr-17 05:59:13

Never see this horrible woman again - she is emotionally harming you and this will effect your children

Agree with previous poster - you are UNDER reacting - gees this is truly horrid behavior from her

So very sorry you've had to endure this - growing up must have been a nightmare

Get away from it now

newdaylight Thu 27-Apr-17 06:27:52

This is terrible behavior by your mother. It's actually emotionally abusive, your masking wise choices to make sure your son is safe and to manage your own anxiety.

She has refused to abide by your patenting wishes despite really clear explanation. This is reason enough to tell her she's not coming

However the emotional abuse bit is the name-calling, accusing you of being a terrible mother, blaming you for her feeling like a pariah.

I don't think you need that around you and it seems from your post that you let them see ds for their benefit rather than yours (and because the hassle it would cause to tell them to stop).

The thing is, I've no doubt she'll treat ds in the same way as she's treated you when she gets older.

Well, like the previous posters have said, 9 would recommend you take ownership and tell them they are not welcome and explain why.

You could speak to dad to explain it, and tell him that while it's good that he understood he never actuality does anything about it

She'll have a massive go at you of course, but if she starts threatening you and banging on about grandparent rights, it's bullshit. Grandparents have no legal rights to contact.

AttilaTheMeerkat Thu 27-Apr-17 06:34:36

No its not you, its them. You are still very much caught up in the dynamic where your mother is a narcissist and your father is her hatchet man and weak willed enabler. He has also failed you utterly as a parent here by failing to protect you from his wife. In a straight fight he would choose her over you; such weak men as well often need someone like your mother to also idolise.

They were not good parents to you and are now doing similar harm to your DC. I would be in a no contact position with them and drop these two now for the toxic people they are. Being in contact with them harms you. Narcissists in particular make for being deplorably bad as grandparent figures and they will harm your children emotionally.

SaorAlbaGuBrath Thu 27-Apr-17 06:34:57

How awful OP, I'm so sorry. You're not doing anything wrong, it must have been absolutely terrifying when your DS was so poorly, and I don't blame you at all for worrying. DS1 contracted gastroenteritis at 10 weeks old and septicaemia at 15 weeks because someone came with gastroenteritis and infected him. I was beyond obsessive about germs and people touching him for many years, and also my younger two when they were born. I went far beyond the level of "normal" anxiety but people understood, even though I was being extremely unreasonable.
You are not being unreasonable even in the slightest and your mum was really cruel and dismissive when you have perfectly reasonable concerns. Can you go NC for your own peace of mind?

teabagsmummy Thu 27-Apr-17 07:03:22

As a person in a very similar situation, I'd had enough one day of my mum and told her I am an adult and my kids will always come 1st, as she trying as usual to make everything about her. I then walked out her house and said she would only be able to see me and kids when she accepted age was wrong. I never got an apology off her but she did act better. I think you need to show her you mean to be taken seriously when it comes to your rules.
My mother is narcassistic and sound like you're mum is to. It took a lot of guts and I was shaking when I did it, but I snapped and had enough of her shit flowers

ptumbi Thu 27-Apr-17 07:24:21

Fucking Hell.
She also says things like "we love the GC to the ends of the earth, but we have to put up with you to get to them." - fuck that. IF she didn't do want I wanted her to do, or NOT DO, as their mother, she would never see them again.

The sarcasm, the sneering, the complete disrespect from her, the indifference from your father - neither of these people deserve to have access to your children.

JudeeLevinson Thu 27-Apr-17 07:30:42

No, there isn't anything wrong with you. I think you handled her very well and in an adult, assertive manner, and she showed herself as the narcissist she is, and your Dad is the enabler. And this is what happens when you request something reasonable in an adult manner, a total meltdown.

This is deplorable behaviour from both of your parents. They will never be reasonable and I think you should limit contact with the pair of them, and any of their supporters, for the sake of your child. I am NC with my parents and I don't say this lightly but consider doing the same, it is horrible but eliminating stress from your life is the best thing to do for yourself because they will never change no matter what you do. You have an opportunity to break a cycle of abuse that can often go down generations. You have to protect your son from this. flowers

Justmadeperfectflapjacks Thu 27-Apr-17 07:32:42

Your children don't need gps at the expense of your mh.
Dc don't NEED gps at all.
Mine function OK without any.
All they DO need is a happy dm.
You don't need her either. .
Tell your df he is welcome to visit if that's applicable. . But she isn't. .

ptumbi Thu 27-Apr-17 07:36:20

Grandparents have NO rights to see a grandchild, OP, as I'm sure you know.

You hold more power than you think - you can just stop seeing them, stop allowing the dc to see them, see them only in a public place with your dh as well; NC (my choice) or as LC as you can.

Don't ever be alone in your home with them again.

mummytime Thu 27-Apr-17 07:37:25

Even if children benefit from grandparents, they do not benefit from grandparents who do not respect their parents or treat their parents so cruelly.
Their contact with your parents is harming them. It is damaging to witness such dysfunctional interactions. And for you their primary carer to be so undermined/disrespected.

Squeegle Thu 27-Apr-17 07:39:29

I'm sorry you have been through this. She is rude and disrespectful to you. Would you treat anyone like this? No? Then please do yourself the courtesy of not accepting it. She chooses not to see her grandchildren if she continues to act like this.

MrsPringles Thu 27-Apr-17 08:12:51

Oh wow. Op. She's awful.

I would have lost my shit had my mum stamped off with my DS whilst shouting out a barrage of abuse at me. On no level is that acceptable sad

I would go NC, I think you would be happier without her

Aquamarine1029 Thu 27-Apr-17 08:16:30

Your mother is a vile, hateful woman. I'm so sorry. I hope you decide to go NC because she is a horrible influence around your children.

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