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I'm in love with my bestfriend

(18 Posts)
HermitTheFrog Thu 27-Apr-17 02:21:24

i don't really know where to start really i've never posted anything like this and being so personal with peoples feels a bit strange lol...

but i should probably start off with a bit of backstory. i'm in my early 20s i suffer with very bad social anxiety i've never really had a relationship because of my social awkwardness so i'm completely inept when it comes to anything about relationships and i have no one to really talk about this kinda stuff with in this regard you could say i'm quite immature as by now most people my age have had a few relationships while i still find the whole thing cringe worthingly embarrassing to talk about like a teenager would.... my face is bright red as i type this blush

me and my friend have known each other about 5 or 6 years but never really became close friends until 2 years ago he is 20 years older than me he's never been married has no children he actually has no family at all since his mother passed away a few years ago and well i just adore him he's the most loveliest person you could ever meet i didn't think people like him existed he's just so kind he never complains he never says anything bad about anyone he always tries to help people (his job involves helping people) and he volunteers every week at the redcross to cook meals for homeless people just generally a really good guy

we've become increasingly close over the past 2 years i know some people find it strange that we are friends because of the age difference and i think a lot of peoples first response is that he's an older man taking advantage and just being nice to get one thing. but it really isn't like that at all its been purely platonic he's never once made me feel uncomfortable you could almost say he's been kinda like a father figure or uncle towards me....and well that's kind of the problem for about a year now i've liked him more than a friend but i'm pretty positve he doesn't feel the same way i don't think he has any interest in dating someone younger than him and he sees me like a niece he'll often joke and put "from Uncle Dave" at the bottom of texts and things < not his real name

hes so sweet and affectionate towards me and part of me doesn't mind it staying like this but overall i'ed like more we have so much common and get on so well it all most seems a shame not to at least see if it could be something more i know if i told him how i felt he'ed let me down gently and wouldn't let it ruin our friendship.....its more how i'ed react that i worry about i'ed probably feel so embarrassed that i'ed never speak to him again and cry for weeks lol

so should i just stay quiet and carry on as things are? or should i tell him how i feel and if so what do you think is the best way to go about it?

Zaccheryquack Thu 27-Apr-17 03:16:34

How lovely that you have met someone so nice. Lots of people will say that you need to just tell him but I would find it quite difficult to do that. In your shoes, I would probably flirt and if it is obvious he doesn't like it, I would retreat quickly and retain the friendship. Can you engineer a situation that involves close physical contact/ lots of togetherness and see what happens?! Good luck!

usefultoken Thu 27-Apr-17 05:46:51

If you feel sure that you wouldn't lose the friendship i would be tempted to be quite open but try to play it down, e.g. 'we get on so well we'd make a good couple eh?'

noego Thu 27-Apr-17 10:13:06

Do you think you may have become emotionally co-dependant on this man as you have social anxiety issues?
How are you addressing your social anxiety?

pinkdelight Thu 27-Apr-17 11:56:11

Does he date other women? First thought was that he mightn't be into women, but presume you'd know? Second thought is that if he is into women, it all sounds very nice and has the potential for romance, so there must be a way to find out if he likes you the same way. He probably wouldn't take the lead, given the age difference, but given how much you like him and you're both available adults, there's nothing wrong with you engineering a situation as PP describes and letting him know you like him as more than a friend if he's interested.

PinkGlitter17 Thu 27-Apr-17 12:18:01

Similar here. A very dear friend of mine is 22 years older than me and we've known each other for 16 years. I'm going through separation from my H and am leaning quite a lot on my friend for emotional support, which he offers freely. When our friendship was quite new, we were v v attracted to each other, and things did happen that might have ended our friendship- v passionate kissing, shared a bed, almost had sex really. Something stopped us, and we have been through a falling-out and various long periods of not seeing each other. Somehow we have kept our friendship and I never lost the flame for him. Now I'm splitting from H, my feelings are strong again and I would get together with him if I could, but can't as we're 200 miles apart and I have kids. He's 64, I'm 42. Also, he's with someone, which I didn't know when I visited him again recently after 5 years confused

I guess I would say that it's always gonna be a risk to make a move, but in general it is anyway, age gap etc or not. You sound like you're open to us all saying "go for it" - and from my experience I would say do. I agree with engineering things to make the two of you physically close, then see what happens. Xx

TheVanguardSix Thu 27-Apr-17 12:40:13

Buzzkill alert. Sorry! You'll hate me but the 'Uncle Dave' sign off says it all. Keep him as a dear, good friend. He sounds wonderful... as a friend. He couldn't make it any clearer what his stance is. Potential lovers/guys who fancy you would never call themselves 'uncle'. It speaks volumes. Don't go for it.
The age gap at your stage is too much. You have to be pragmatic. How unromantic, I know. I know! But really, it'll come back to bite. If you were 35/45 and he was 55-60, it would be different, perhaps. Big maybe. Most of my relationships, including my marriage, have involved age gaps with men who haven't been in many long term relationships. I found that these guys, while totally lovely and warm, interesting and wonderful, all had similar issues. They've spent too much time alone, they're past learning to adapt and accommodate to the needs of someone in their life every single day, they really, really don't relate to their younger partners about many things. I find partners who are closer in age are just happier... generally speaking. Treasure your friendship. Find love further afield. Good luck!

HermitTheFrog Fri 28-Apr-17 04:32:22

pinkdelight haha yes he likes women he hasn't dated anyone since we've been friends which i find a bit odd as i imagine lots of women would be interested in him as hes handsome and very tall and nice. i think his last relationship was 5 or 6 years ago. we are both quite introverted and part of me thinks he just likes being on his own and isn't really wanting a relationship

TheVanguardSix its ok i agree with you really as i said he has no family so i think he views me as his family as our friendship is a lot more affectionate than most friendships we both kind of lean on each other and help each other out but he helps me out more i guess....i do worry that he'll meet someone his age and that she'll have a problem with him being so close to me though even though i'ed understand why as i think most women would feel strange if they was dating a man who best friends with a 22 year old girl lol.

i think i'll just leave it as a friendship

HermitTheFrog Fri 28-Apr-17 04:37:18

noego when i think about it i probably have become emotionally co-dependant on him although his job involves working with people with similar issues to me so he does help me a lot in that sense and gives good advice

i've had social anxiety since as long as i can remember and seen psychologist after psychologist for over 10 years and nothing has ever helped so no currently i'm not getting any help as i've kinda give up on it.

TheVanguardSix Fri 28-Apr-17 09:20:58

Oh I worry that I sounded harsh OP. I relate to you in so many ways. I'm introverted, have suffered crippling social anxiety (though I'm in my late 40s now and time and age have helped with this).

Just look after yourself and try not to fall in love with an idea of partnership. Real life with him could be so incredibly different than you imagine. It might be a huge disappointment. But he's a healing source of happiness for you, friendship wise. The friendship is so important to you both. Nurture this. Though I have second thoughts about my own words. I'm wondering if he just assumes that a 22 year old wouldn't look twice at him. Why don't you start expanding a bit? Go out for coffees. Maybe hang out on a Saturday if that's something you've never done. I wouldn't tell him your feelings. Just get closer. Gently. Kid gloves and all that. And hey, what's the worst that can happen? Your friendship and trust will thrive if nothing else. It could very well lead to more. I think you have to give him more time spent with you so that he develops more trust. Maybe the uncle thing is a safety barrier so that he won't lose you. I am totally rethinking as I type. confused But I am wondering if he feels that by keeping you at a safe distance and being a non-threatening father figure, he gets the benefit of the joy you bring him. Maybe he's afraid he'll lose you otherwise. I'm just remembering what my DH said when we finally got together. He just assumed I wouldn't be interested in someone 15 years older...3 kids and plenty of ups and downs later, here we are.

Hmm. Try coffee on a Saturday. That's what happened with DH. We started having coffee at the local cafe, chinwagging, shooting the breeze, chewing the fat, all that. We'd share music...Text a YouTube link. The songs became more beautiful and meaningful over time as we got closer. Music breaks down all sorts of barriers and expresses feelings safely. Do you have a dog? Dog walks and a cuppa? Move the parameters, cast the net a bit wider and socialise together a bit more. See what happens. Sorry to change horses mid-stream. I hope I'm not confusing you. But as a sufferer of social anxiety and being a walking, talking Morrissey lyric, I 'get' you and him more. I do. I get the whole hermit thing. flowers

GlamClam Sun 30-Apr-17 08:08:35

Op I can see from your recent post history that you are very vulnerable and in a fragile mental state st the moment.

I don't think getting into a relationship is a great idea.

Is he aware of your particular situation? Is it possible that actually he really does just see himself as an 'uncle' or father figure to you?

I think you should be looking to get comfortable in your own skin first instead of seeking validation from a relationship. flowers

HermitTheFrog Sun 30-Apr-17 08:59:07

Glamclam

I know what thread you mean i think most people would have felt a bit vulnerable if they had a group of insane people throwing untrue actuations at them and trying to degrade belittle and sterotype you in a very aggressive manner and twist everything you say to fit there own deluded cult like opinions. I wasn't aware that sort of ignorantness and hatered still exsited against people like me so of course i was upset. I think it's unfair to judge my mental state on that thread as it's clear there aim was to embarrass and make me feel like i should be ashamed for even existing

Yes he's aware of what and who i am hes very accepting.

I am comfortable in my own skin i've never had a relationship and i spend most my time on my own so hardly like i'm one of thoughs people who need a relationship

Again i think its unfair to judge me off of a post where i felt ganged up on and clearly discriminated agaisnt on.

GlamClam Sun 30-Apr-17 09:03:31

I'm not trying to hurt you Hermit.

That isn't the thread I read. Most posters on there were being rational and having a discussion. Calling them 'insane' is not on.

Your vulnerability and inability to engage properly screams out from your posts. I do hope you find happiness soon, but you need to find it elsewhere (I mean rather than a relationship)

AnnieAnoniMouse Sun 30-Apr-17 09:17:09

Your other thread is relevant & I agree with Glam.

HermitTheFrog Sun 30-Apr-17 09:23:08

if you can't see what a lot of people there was saying as being hurtful well then that says a lot about your character.

I can discuss things just it got too personal from certain people. they can assume whatever they want about me? But for me to say they are insane is not on?

Lol ok.

babyinarms Sun 30-Apr-17 09:39:36

He sounds wonderful. I'd would be afraid, however, that he does see himself as a father figure to you. Thread carefully cos you don't want to lose what you have with him. He sounds like a very positive influence in your life and you really don't want to jeopardise that. Move very slowly and see if anythings happens but please back off instantly if he seems anyway uncomfortable or you risk losing your closeness.

Try not to get hung up on your lack of relationships to date. You're still very young. I was very shy and because I came from a home of dv I found it hard to trust people esp men. I had my first relationship at 22, it was lovely and lasted a year. My second at 23 and I married him 6 years later. We're still together ( 15 years later and 3 dcs) and very happy.
It's not the quantity of relationships you have, it's the quality.
Thread carefully. Try to overcome you're anxiety, maybe get some cognitive behavioural therapy, that maybe beneficial to you flowers

GlamClam Sun 30-Apr-17 09:49:30

No I'm afraid it only speaks about your character when you call anyone disagreeing with you 'insane'.

However I will leave you to your delusion. It appears you only need posters to validate you, not to actually offer constructive advice.

I do sincerely wish you good luck.

GlamClam Sun 30-Apr-17 10:03:07

And I would like to point out that I don't make a habit of bringing up posters posting history, and usually consider it bad manners. However in this case it is definitely relevant.

The advice given would differ greatly depending on whether posters were fully aware of op's situation or not.

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