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Rejected and lonely

(6 Posts)
DukeOfWhistleton Wed 26-Apr-17 23:08:20

My husband has a low testosterone situation which meant depression initially (now being fixed through meds) and no sex drive. At all. We sleep in separate rooms. We have three young kids and life is crazy. For anyone thinking how have you got kids? We are fertility fortunate and literally booked a date in to do it so he could get through it and then I was pregnant. I know that makes us lucky but everything else kind of sucks. The kids are great but we have nothing. I'd never leave him as I love him so dearly but I have done everything for him, moved all around the country to accommodate his job, give up my friends and leave family behind and all familiarity for what I hoped might be better than me being alone on an eve drinking a glass of wine on my own after being ratty with my kids (who I absolutely ADORE). I have nothing of myself left and he makes very little effort to make me feel like it was worth it leaving everything and well I'm lonely. And in need of solice. I'm now on all sorts of meds myself for depression and anxiety. I'm 36 and well this isn't quite how I imagined things. I also have had pnd twice (last two times) and first child was seriously ill. I'm so lost and lonely and stuck and stressed and so so fed up now. My life has no point except my angels - who are my everything and I'd never give up on them x

Dieu Thu 27-Apr-17 10:23:03

Hi OP. Didn't want to read and run, so hopefully this will bump up and you will get some more replies.
Please tell me, what do YOU actually get out of this relationship? 36 is too young an age to be in a joyless, sexless marriage.
I know you probably can't see the wood for the trees right now, but life can be SO much better than this. And you can't spend the rest of your life like this.
Please get some counselling, and start building yourself up. Take up some hobbies outside the family, make plans to visit friends. Work on YOU.

DukeOfWhistleton Thu 27-Apr-17 13:29:56

Thank you Dieu.
I've suggested couples counseling before and I'm pretty sure he won't do it. The thing is I've asked him to maybe do something nice like book a meal or or get me flowers occasionally - the very act of asking is so depressing. He never does. He refuses to take responsibility for things. He makes time for his mates but none for me.
He's a fab father though and the girls would be devastated if we were to go separate ways. That's why I remain loyal to him. I do feel there must be more to life than this. My confidence has taken a real battering over the years. I feel so crap about myself and fixate on clothes and make up and feel like I've lost whatever it was that men found attractive in me, not least what my husband found in me. He will say things like 'you're beautiful and I love you' that I'm a fantastic mother etc so I think oh that's nice....but that's it. Nothing else. No meals out, no excuse to wear a nice outfit, to be young or out of the house. It's been like this for most of our marriage. Six years. I'm kind of scared to even contemplate an alternative life or a life that causes my girls to become upset we are no longer altogether.
Thank you for your kind reply and sorry to go on. I think perhaps I should go and speak to someone about it..... x

Justmadeperfectflapjacks Thu 27-Apr-17 20:31:19

Can you sit together and write a bucket list?
Things you want to do with the dc together, days out, holidays, etc.
Then do a couple's list.
Seeing in black and white what you want from your relationship may astound him genuinely, and gives you a chance to open up about things generally.
Some men forget they are a couple not just parents.

category12 Thu 27-Apr-17 20:36:32

In what ways is he a fab father? could you give some examples of what he does for the dc?

He has no reason to change if you have followed him loyally and put him first all the time - he takes it for granted, he thinks nothing of it, he thinks it is his due.

Biddylee Thu 27-Apr-17 21:17:25

I'm sorry to hear that you feel so lost and lonely. This relationship is not good for you. You may worry about the impact on your daughters if you separate but staying gives them a bad example of what a relationship looks like. (Sorry this sounds like I am putting you in a touch place). You can be separated and do great parenting, yes it's not ideal but it is likely that you will be happier, healthier, able to make a great life and home for you and your daughters ( with your husband involved).

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