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Decided to divorce my husband

(13 Posts)
Ilovepeppa Wed 26-Apr-17 18:36:12

So, after 13 years of marriage i want a divorce.

Things haven't been great for a couple of years, felt a bit trapped tbh, not much love or affection but with two young DS and I'm a sahm, I always thought it was best just to stay put. However, a couple of months ago he shagged someone so now I'm done, I want a divorce!!

I'm so scared though, how do I tell him I want out? When do I tell him? Drop the kids off at school and then tell him? What do I say? Then what when I've told him, what's the next step? So much to think about.

I have already seen a solicitor so have that bit sorted.

I would appreciate any help please.

Secretlife0fbees Wed 26-Apr-17 18:52:15

What's his reaction likely to be? Is he aggressive etc?
If not, I would just sit him down and say that due to his infidelity you can no longer stay married to him that you have tried but it cannot carry on.
Will he leave? What's the financial situation? Tell him to get his stuff and go.

Chloe84 Wed 26-Apr-17 19:04:22

Yes, what secret said. Have you made copies of financial documents? How did you find out about his cheating? What was his reaction?

Ilovepeppa Wed 26-Apr-17 19:05:40

He won't be aggressive, he's not like that. He's not showing much love or remorse from his infidelity so It makes me wonder if he wants this too because he said to me the other day that things weren't that great before.

He wouldn't pack his bags and leave, no way would he do that. We would both stay in the house until it sells. Both our names are on the mortgage so I guess I'll get half.

yetmorecrap Wed 26-Apr-17 19:14:29

I totally understand you Ilovepeppa , its very hard on the infidelity front if the remorse seems a bit lacking, when you feel they should be in bits at being caught out. . You cant help but feel not that worth fighting for, not that special, even if the marriage was a bit rocky . In my case my husband said when I found out his (very old) emotional thing (more a one sided crush/limerence thing I am told- where he wrote longing songs for someone who worked with us and travelled around with him and then recorded himself singing and playing on them in our house and didnt get rid of the evidence-just hid it ) what do you want me to do " beat myself up every day" --- er actually yes I do , even a short sharp beat yourself up daily along with some grovelling thrown in would be better than total rugsweeping/non discussion because you feel embarrased at what a shit you were.

Secretlife0fbees Wed 26-Apr-17 19:18:03

Ok well that's something I suppose (I recently separated from my h after 13 years and 2 dc but his behaviour was increasingly aggressive so I had to report him to the police to force him to leave as there was no way we could have lived together). Do you think you could tolerate living together for the next few months with the divorce going on?
I would tell him first of all, gauge his reaction, let that sink in and start the proceedings in the meantime.
How are you feeling? I recommend some counselling for you as you must have a lot to process and you've a tough road ahead - you're gonna need all the support you can get. Tell your family/friends get them to rally round if you can.
How old are the kids? What will their reactions be?

TheNaze73 Wed 26-Apr-17 19:46:35

No hints, no subtlety. Just tell him

SandyY2K Wed 26-Apr-17 19:55:02

Perfect reason with the infidelity. Just tell him you can't get passes it and you want a divorce.

It can be an amicable separation and that would be better for your DS.

He's made it very easy for you by his cheating.

Secretlife0fbees Wed 26-Apr-17 20:02:45

Also, keep posting on here, I found the support I got from these badass women so helpful

Ilovepeppa Wed 26-Apr-17 20:29:26

Thanks for the replies and advice.

I'm not looking forward to the next few months as I'm sure they will be very difficult. I don't want to have to live under the same roof as him whilst the divorce is going through, but he's already told me he wouldn't leave and I've been advised not to either.

I am concerned how DS1 will take it when we tell him as he has mild autism and is a daddies boy so that worries me.

I am currently trying to get all the financial details together which is a challenge cause he was quite controlling regarding the finances, I have little knowledge of all the accounts we have etc.

Unfortunately my family live 150 miles away and don't have many friends around here as not ever worked in the area where I live so hard meeting people. So I will be using MN a lot for advice.

Secretlife0fbees Wed 26-Apr-17 20:49:56

In terms of the dc I wouldn't tell them anything until you have a plan in place and can give them some clear answers as to how life is going to change for them. IME kids are afraid of the unknown. I have had a few months of difficulty with my ds10 who has found it hard - BUT he is much much happier now and we still live in the family home and things are settled and there is peace. Dd4 has been a breeze - as long as I am there she's happy and seems secure.
Try and start forging a life for yourself outside the marriage - join some clubs or take an evening class or something like that. And definitely get some counselling for yourself.
You said your marriage wasn't particularly good before all this - think of how lovely your new life is gonna be! You'll get lots of support on here - there are so many women in this situation.
What happened with the OW? Did you know her? How did you find out?
You can do this. Be brave!

Ilovepeppa Wed 26-Apr-17 21:07:21

The OW was a ONS when he was away on a business trip. He actually confessed to me but only because he thought he'd caught Herpes in the mouth, although he said that wasn't the reason. Bit of a coincidence though that he had been home a few days said nothing but his mouth was getting worse. He went to the doctors about it on the Monday, he told me that evening.

He was sorry for about a week or so, but now it's like he don't give a shit and showing me no remorse whatsoever, twat!!

Secretlife0fbees Wed 26-Apr-17 21:25:41

God that is so fucking awful and seedy. Not even like it was someone he had feelings for although I struggle to know which would be worse of the two.
Have you had checks done on yourself for STIs?

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