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Am I wrong to say men don't tolerate a partner who is away a lot?

(23 Posts)
perfumeriagal Wed 26-Apr-17 17:06:41

I don't know if this is true but I've found it to be the case in my own life and with my friends that men won't put up with it for long is you aren't around much due to work or at least far less than men do. Its ok for a fixed period but when your work takes you away month here a week there etc they just seem to hate it and not tolerate it even if no kids are involved.

I have a theory that it is because when men seek a female partner they are looking for comfort and care, your physical presence while women are much more likely to tolerate time apart if it is for work and building a future together.

I don't know if I am right it just seems like that to me, so what do you all think?

Neverknowing Wed 26-Apr-17 17:09:18

I wouldn't be able to be with someone who's away for work a lot, I like to see my partner. Some men really like periods of time apart so I think it really does depend on the person.

perfumeriagal Wed 26-Apr-17 17:13:21

I agree I prefer it when my partner is around but I think I probably cope better with my husband working away than he does when its the other way round. A friends husband said "what is the point of a wife if she isn't here at home with me" Although my husband wouldn't say this he probably thinks it on some level.

Studies show men are happiest when their wives don't even work! Perhaps it is something to do with women having the emotional support of friends, mums and sisters where men tend to invest everything into their partners?

Ellisandra Wed 26-Apr-17 17:13:32

I'd not want a boyfriend to be away for a month at a time, though I'd make exceptions for the right boyfriend.

I used to be away from 04:00 Mon to 09:00 Fri, every weeek. 3 boyfriends (1 became husband during that time). Was never an issue. I'm now away every other week, and have dated - it hasn't been a problem.

No-one has seen it as a big deal.

Ellisandra Wed 26-Apr-17 17:14:41

Men tend to invest everything in their partners?
I think that's nonsense.
As will many a football widow, MAMIL widow, or just a regular man who goes out with his friends.

littleoldladywho Wed 26-Apr-17 17:16:25

I'll be sure to let dh know. Fortunately I don't appear to have shacked up with a dinosaur that expects me to be waiting ready to cater to his every need when he gets back from the kill, and he is even able to parent our offspring when I'm away.

I had rather hoped the days of 'men' requiring daily comfort and care from female partners were long gone. I can understand a mutual caring relationship, but your post seems to suggest it's just the women who are required to do this for the men.

If it helps, I am also able to parent our offspring when he is away. We have this modern thing going on where your ability to care or earn isn't dictated by your genitals. I'm hoping it will catch on at some point.

twattymctwatterson Wed 26-Apr-17 17:16:49

How very 1950's

perfumeriagal Wed 26-Apr-17 17:17:04

I mean emotionally men express the emotional part of their lives to women, not all but many do and not really to their friends.

perfumeriagal Wed 26-Apr-17 17:20:43

I'm not saying I agree with it I work and work away. I spent a year working overseas not long after I was married I'm not saying what is correct but what is true for a lot of men.

There was an australian survey a few years ago which found men were happier with a stay at home wife. I'm not advocating it!

VestalVirgin Wed 26-Apr-17 17:24:16

There are definitely men like this. One man I met even outright told me that no man ever would tolerate his wife being away for work!
I wouldn't get into a relationship with one, even though I am at home most of the time and this will probably not change.

The entitled attitude is just offputting. I couldn't be with a man who expects me to be his emotional crutch.

I don't think such men invest everything in their wives. They probably do not want to invest anything at all - they get their emotional support for free from the wifey, (who gets her emotional support from female friends) and have male friends who do not require any investment, and give nothing back.

I've read lesbians complain that straight women always use them as the shoulder to cry on, then go back to their husbands and invest everything in the man ... and never give anything back to their female friends.
Of course, a woman needs emotional support - which is why I it is so important to closely look at whether a man will provide it, or just take and give nothing back, before you enter into a relationship and especially before you have children with him.

Ellisandra Wed 26-Apr-17 17:24:38

Why do I suspect that you read these studies in Cosmo? grin

fruitbats Wed 26-Apr-17 17:27:40

I agree with littleoldlady My DH has coped perfectly well when I have worked away from home and worked ridiculous hours. He has a life of his own and was able to cope with his 'emotions' when I was away. My DH certainly would not prefer it if I didn't work. I believe we got married because we loved each other and had a healthy respect for each other. Not because he needed me to provide 'comfort and care' hmm

DioneTheDiabolist Wed 26-Apr-17 17:36:31

Dsis works away from home at least a third of the month. Her DH manages himself and the DCs fine.

kalinkafoxtrot45 Wed 26-Apr-17 17:39:56

There might be men out there who feel that way, but Mister Foxtrot isn't one of them.

Gallavich Wed 26-Apr-17 17:43:26

Meh it's nothing todo with women having friends it's because plenty of men think that women exist to meet their needs. what is the point of a wife if she isn't here with me indeed. One doesn't have 'a wife' one has 'a relationship'.

sparkleandsunshine Wed 26-Apr-17 17:49:14

My dad worked away full time and my mum could have moved out to live with him in the country he was in but had her own career and didn't want to go, it was supposed to be 2-3 years andmum went out one weekend a month and he came back one week every other month, he was 50, within a year he had slept with multiple woman and then started a completely double life with a 23 year old, it all came out when the 23 year old realised he wasn't going to get a divorce and started emailing my mum, me, my brother, my grandparents, literally everyone.
I wouldn't trust any relationship to last if one of you is away long term, not after that.

AndNoneForGretchenWieners Wed 26-Apr-17 17:51:54

I think it depends on the man. DH and I often go for days at a time not seeing each other due to his shift work and me working away, which has got more frequent in recent years. Between us we usually have one person at home at some point for DS but not all the time, we relied heavily on my parents until DS got old enough to be left to his own devices. I am lucky that DH is very domesticated and was a lone parent for a very long time before I met him, and is incredibly supportive of me and my career. I earn nearly twice as much as him yet he works 84 hours a week, yet he doesn't feel threatened by it and even encourages me to go for promotion if it's what I want, but wouldn't mind if I didn't want to.

In short if you have a relationship based on trust, mutual respect and support, there is little reason for insecurity which is probably where most problems start.

Neverknowing Wed 26-Apr-17 18:01:11

I think men probably prefer women at home because then you're doing everything for them cooking, cleaning etc. I'd prefer it If my DP was at home and I came home to dinner and a clean house too!!
I don't know if it's exclusively a men thing smile

Porter1872 Wed 26-Apr-17 19:34:02

I have lived with someone who for years regularly spends long periods of time away from home. My OH does not work and hasn't worked for most of the 20 years we have been together. I have experienced years of returning home from work to find my OH has left without any prior notice that they are going away anywhere, or where they are going nor where they are once they have gone; it's an awful situation to be in. I then have to accept my OH pretty much going NC when they are away which creates anxiety and concern for me. These frequent disappearances are not precipitated by an argument or a particular problem I can ever recall. They just happen. If I try to explore the subject and how it makes me feel I am greeted with a form of silent resentment.
I work full time, so I financially support the whole family, I have always done the daily/weekly/monthly shop, I cook everyday and do most of the house cleaning also as well as provide transport . Despite behaving in what I believe to be a wholly supportive, giving, caring and compassionate way to my OH , for years I have been left utterly bemused by my OHs utter disregard for how their behaviour (a habit of just disappearing) affects me.
Like most adults, it is reasonable (and healthy) to expect a partner to have their own life as well as the one they share with you; so it is understandable that there will be periods of time that they will spend doing their own thing. However, for partners to disappear without any communication and to never explain why they do that is the hardest form of separation I have ever experienced.

DioneTheDiabolist Wed 26-Apr-17 19:37:04

Porter that sounds dreadful.thanks But the OP is talking about work related absences, not disappearing acts.

TheNaze73 Wed 26-Apr-17 19:42:45

Sounds like bliss to me. Absence makes the heart grow fonder & no whinging about rugby & gym classes during the week. Where do I sign up? wink

Chavelita Wed 26-Apr-17 19:48:34

I worked in another country six months of every year for ten years, and DH dealt with it. I know a lot of academic couples who do it. No testicles have shrivelled off in any cases that I know of. hmm

Maybe you and your friends are just married to idiots?

SandyY2K Thu 27-Apr-17 01:20:02

Some couples prefer each other not to work away with, but needs must.

Long term separations through work aren't ideal and it's much easier for infidelity to occur. The number of OW who tell me, their MM uses work as a cover is very high.

But I'm rather cynical about it.

I wouldn't have worked away when the DC were younger, but as they're self sufficient, I would be prepared to stay away from home for a few days or so a month.

It wouldn't be an issue of my DH tolerating it. I'd just do it.

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