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Don't know where to go from here- Advice Please(18 Posts)
Hi All- am relatively new to MN, but am really in a quandary so would appreciate some third party advice.
I've been with DP for 7+ years and we have been living together for most of that. We live in a house he owned before we met, we contribute equally to living costs, including any improvements to the house we live in. We have no DC, but we are currently trying.
DP has always liked a drink, and used to be very actively involved in the live entertainment business. A few years ago we suffered a number of awful unexpected losses of close friends and family in close proximity to each other. He did not cope well with this grief, and drank heavily. He would get very antisocial and angry when drunk and occasionally I would feel unsafe around him. At one point he was hiding alcohol from me. Any attempt I made to talk to him about it resulted in arguments, shouting matches, and his attempts to get me to believe that I was the unreasonable one. He was also like this with close friends. It was a very bad time. I moved out and lived with friends for a while. I suggested counselling, which did not go down well, so I went on my own.
Move onto current day and things calmed down, as time passed he changed his behavior, managed the grief and barr the occasional unplanned overindulgence and resultant hangover we pretty much returned to normal and have been happy.
in the last 12 months his drinking has steadily increased. As far as I am aware there has not been any large trigger to kick it off again, but there have been some losses of vague or old acquaintances which he seems to use as an excuse. It is not constant, more massive blow outs that are just a happening more often. He has said before that he has no "off switch" when drinking. I generally remove myself from his company when he has these blow outs, or they happen when I am away or he is out with friends. I don't like it, or him when he gets like this, but I recognize that I cannot do anything to get him to change or stop it unless he wants to. I was very clear with him when we started trying for DC (something we both wanted) that these sessions had to stop.
This year We found out an friend of a friend had passed away. Neither of us were close to this person at all. I was away with family and DP got horrendously drunk on his own to the point where he potentially endangered his own life. I only found out about this when I got home later that week and he told me everything, and said that he was going to stop drinking completely as he scared himself. He was so scared and so genuine when we spoke agreed to support him in his decision, and told him I was pleased and happy he had come to that decision on his own.
His drinking has not stopped. It is slowly increasing again after an initial dry period. He has not been drunk around me since it happened, but has been on a number of occasions with work colleagues and friends. Any attempt I make to speak to him about it he will fly off the handle, tell me i am attacking him, that it is normal for people to drink, and that I am just trying to make arguments and that I just don't want us to be happy.
I do not want to spend the rest of my life with someone who drinks like this and cannot control it, especially when they have previously had a moment of clarity about their drinking and have promised to stop. I also will not knowingly bring a child into this world who will have a father who currently cannot control his drinking, to the point where he can endanger is own life and others. I would like to talk to my DP about this, as I am very close to leaving, but every attempt for me to do so results in the response from him that I outlined above. we have currently not spoken to each other for two days as we had a fight, he slept in the spare room, I texted him the next morning and said that we needed to talk and he should speak to me when he is ready and he has not interacted with me since.
I am currently at the point where i do not know whether I should just give up on him being able to have the conversation about how his behavior is risking our future together, and just start making arrangements for me to move out, or whether I should try one more time to talk to him. I would like to do the latter, but need to find a way of doing it that he realizes how important it is...
what should I do? ( also, sorry this is so long!)
he sounds to be alcoholic. You could talk to Al-anon, but to be honest I don't see it changing and I would just leave. It is possible that this is enough of a shock to change him, in which case you still have that possibility, but I think anything less than this sort of shock is futile.
You KNOW what to do or you wouldn't be posting.
You KNOW he won't change - EVER.
He promises and then breaks that.
He promises again and then breaks that...
And so the cycle continues.
You have no financial security either.
You are subsidising his mortgage, for what????
You will have nothing at the end of it.
I'd cut my losses now.
You are currently stuck in the 'sunk cost fallacy'
Google it and make the decision to get away.
STOP trying for a baby with an alcoholic.
The child will not thank you for that.
You have said it yourself; you do not want to spend the rest of your life with someone who drinks like this and cannot control it. If you really do mean that rather than just writing mere words then you need to move out and asap.
What do you get out of this relationship now, did your yourself grow up seeing similar in your own childhood?.
His primary relationship is with alcohol and not with you. Talking to him about his drink problem is about as effective as peeing in the ocean. He does not want to talk about his drink problem and is in complete denial of same. You are too close to be of any real use to him anyway; not that he wants your help or support in any case. You are also way under qualified to help him and you can only help your own self here.
I would also stop ttc with him with immediate effect. Your relationship is with an alcoholic and you should not bring a child at all into this dysfunctional relationship. His drinking is all part of a wider pattern of ongoing alcohol abuse stretching back many years and perhaps pre dating you as well. His responses also reflect that; you are spoiling his "fun". What he is saying here is not atypical of how an alcoholic would respond as well.
On a much wider level why are you at all paying into a property he solely owns; this is money you will never get back.
Make arrangements to move out asap. Help you first and foremost.
No advice other than to see if you can find a support group to help you. They may have advice on getting an alcoholic to recognise the problem they've got.
Does he have parents still around? Would they recognise the problem and help persuade him into some sort of treatment?
I've lived with someone who was becoming an alcoholic and it was an experience I would never repeat, for all sorts of reasons. I hope you can make him see that he needs help.
I was also going to suggest that you are getting caught up as well in the "sunken costs fallacy" and that is also not helping you either.
People get bogged down by focusing on their sunk costs.
There are two ways to understand this process, both involving avoidance. One is an avoidance of disappointment or loss when something doesn’t work out. When a relationship doesn’t succeed, especially after a long period, especially after many shared experiences and especially after developing a hope that the relationship would be a good one, it is a loss. It is a loss of what might have been and an acknowledgement that a part of one’s life has been devoted to this endeavour.
Another angle to evaluate is that focus on “sunk cost” creates a distraction from one’s inner truth. The sentence often goes like, “I’ve already invested too much, so I can’t notice my thoughts and feelings that are telling me to end or change this relationship.”
This is a type of insidious defense against noticing yourself. You enter into a neglectful relationship with yourself which divorces you from your inner thoughts and the quiet feelings that might guide you in your life. In other words, thinking about what already has been may prevent you from deciding what you want your life to be.
Hi all, thanks for your responses, it's good to hear that they way I am feeling is reasonable. In answer to changedname he does still have family around, he is close to his mum and his sister, but they don't know how bad he has been, plus they sort of hero worship him and downplay any of his behaviour as 'antics' or just me being unreasonable.. They can be a little 'clan-ish' at times.
I'll look into the sunken costs fallacy too.. Thank you
It's completely ok for you not to like it tolerate his behaviour.Drinking to excess is not 'normal and it leads to a different type of life for the partner.Its a life of wondering when he will drink excessively and taking on more responsibility for life as you can't rely on him.
You don't have to accept this.There will be other men put there who don't drink..why not decide you deserve better and leave.
I don't understand why you want to stay:
He can't control his drinking and won't seek help.
He can't talk about conflict.
He endangers himself.
He has the ability to scare you.
There is no reason to be there. Cut your losses before you end up pregnant and bring a child into that toxic relationship.
And, you know, babies and kids are known for having a really calming effect on already stressed relationships...
Thank you Hermione2016 it means a lot to see that written down... Moanyoldcow I guess I'd like to stay because my experience of why we got together in the first place, and how much fun and love there is in the relationship when this isn't rearing it's ugly head has shown me how good a future it could be... But I am fast coming to the realisation that that future probably isn't an option anymore...
Abusive useless men don't start like that from day one. Of course there's fun in the beginning or you'd never get to the point where they're drunks or abusive of just plain useless.
Having children always makes a relationship more stressful - do you think that's likely to improve his drinking?
Look at all the women posting here who have had hellish times extricating themselves from these shitty relationships. Learn from them and save yourself some real heartache.
Please stop ttc and leave I wish someone had given me this advice 15 years ago. It will spiral and if you have a DC they will be put at risk due the drinking.
I am out now, but my self esteem and emotional well being took an massive hit and my DD was driven around by a drunk.
You know what you need to do. He's an alcoholic in denial and in full binge mode. You have to leave or he will drag you down with him.
Thank you everyone.. The TTC is stopping now as far as I am concerned.
Just wanted to stay YES to the pps here. Get a sense of self-preservation and get the heck out .
Actually it's a pretty good sign he recognises he has no 'off' switch with drinking.
Not that I'm suggesting you give him a mm of space. He has to do this, you have to protect yourself and your future.
You wanted to know how to talk to him, perhaps write a letter?
An alcoholic in active addiction is hopeless on every front. While he is actively drinking there is precisely zero here for you - in fact less than zero: addicts have a way of sucking the very life out of you.
AA is amazing btw. That would be the first step for him (pun intended) - and the last step and everything in between. Once an alcoholic, always an alcoholic - but not necessarily an alcoholic in active addiction. That's the choice he faces. Some manage to stop alone but there is extraordinary success in AA. He's just got to want it enough.
Stand in front of a mirror and repeat until it fully sinks in: "I can not fix him." Your partner is an alcoholic and that will never change until HE wants to change. Save yourself. Get the fuck out of there.
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