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Just being my mother doesn't equal being right

(25 Posts)
whatdoesthatmean Wed 26-Apr-17 13:46:23

Just venting really...

Have barely spoken to my mother in last few months after a disagreement she just won't drop unless i acknowledge how wrong i am. Me not doing this is a very new thing. I really do not feel I'm wrong and after many years have had enough of keeping her happy. I have tried repeatedly to nicely move things on.

Anyway, the vent is more about her saying during conversations, I'm your mother and her age. Is simply being my mother enough to command respect?! And does being in your 60s mean you are due respect?

Frankly, she has not been an amazing mother at times but I'm willing to accept she was going the best she could. But i think trotting out I'm your mother is a bit rich.

Oh dear, reading back, i realise I sound really disrespectful without a back story. Ah well, I've said it. Needed to get it out of my head.

Teabagtits Wed 26-Apr-17 13:50:20

My mum does this all the time. I'm in my 40s and she still says to me "i'm the mother" in an authoritative tone although last time I responded well so am I and that shut her up!

Generally I ignore her comments demanding respect and I have got far more cheeky since having my own child about her demanding respect purely because she's my mother. I won't say brought me up as my grandparents did more of that than she did but she doesn't recognise this fact. Now I'm a mother I get more angry at her doing this because i can't see me ever using hierarchy of relationships to make my daughter bend to my will or do as I say.

Guavaf1sh Wed 26-Apr-17 14:06:40

On the face of it being a mother should command some respect all other things being equal. I'm quite old fashioned though I guess. Respect for elders simply for being elders is a good thing and what goes around comes around - we all get old

pointythings Wed 26-Apr-17 14:12:38

The one time my normally lovely mum tried this I smiled at her and said: "These are different times, mum."

I may have been a smidge passive aggressive but she didn't do it again. And we get on really well.

Florida28 Wed 26-Apr-17 14:18:33

I was always brought up to respect my elders, but taught that respect is not an entitlement and has to be gained. Just because she's your mum doesn't mean she's right or that you should back down just to keep her sweet. Agree to disagree and move on. If your mum can't do that continue with barely speaking to her smile

CMamaof4 Wed 26-Apr-17 14:21:28

I don't completely agree with the respect your elders saying that you should just be quiet, With age doesn't always come wisdom unfortunately...

contrary13 Wed 26-Apr-17 14:22:02

My parents both do this. Trot out the "I am your mother/father!" and how old they are. Mind, my daughter frequently feels the need to tell me how old she is, too - which as, out of the two of us, I am the only one who remembers her actually being born... yeah; bit rich.

It's a passive aggressive way of demanding respect. A way to manipulate whoever into slotting neatly back into line when they take a step away from it. A way of saying "shut up and do as I want/tell you to!"

I find a sweet smile and "And...?" in a genuinely curious tone of voice works wonders with my parents, and with my daughter? Simply asking her what the midwife was called, and what colour the curtains in the room were... or pointing out that as I am her mother, I am fully aware of how old she is, thanks very much!

It is a method of control, though. Don't let them control you, OP. Step outside of the box they have you in, if you wish to do so. Dance away from that line. Live your life the way that you want to live it... not the way in which they dictate that you do so.

flowers

whatdoesthatmean Wed 26-Apr-17 15:46:14

I definitely believed in respecting parents a long time, no matter how badly they behaved. Drummed into me i guess. But I've started to see how wrong that belief has been and i am under no obligation to accept bad treatment as an adult.

I'm taken aback that my mother thinks it means something despite me being 40 years old. Usually I would have backed down. It's just so blatant i guess to hear her say it, her wishes override mine because she's the mother.

I'm glad others get it.

nuttyknitter Wed 26-Apr-17 17:03:46

I'm in my 60s and certainly don't believe that age or motherhood should automatically command respect. Respect has to be earned, no matter what your age and status.

Tearsoffrustration Wed 26-Apr-17 17:42:24

'I'm your mother you have to listen to me' surely is only a reasonable argument when you are trying to get your child to clean their teeth/get ready for school?

Flibbertyjibbit Wed 26-Apr-17 17:50:32

I get this, sorry you have to deal with it also. flowers

I'm starting to stand up to my mother, as an adult her viewpoint is not always mine. I will no longer agree with everything she does/says to keep the peace. I've kept quiet on too many occasions.

TheNaze73 Wed 26-Apr-17 19:45:30

I listen to LBC & the number of elderly callers, who spout a load of shit & when challenged, drop the "I'm 76" bomb, as if it's a defence, staggers me.
Feel for you OP flowers

Ginmakesitallok Wed 26-Apr-17 19:47:00

Bit she's not your mother???

whatdoesthatmean Wed 26-Apr-17 20:42:23

In hindsight I wasnt as patient as i could have been. How weird to think you can force someone to say you are right and they are wrong. And so strange to be completely unable to cope if they have a different view.

I wonder if this is how abusive people age. They appear to have mellowed but they are simply forced to find other ways to achieve submission.

CPtart Wed 26-Apr-17 20:45:00

I've been nursing over 25 years and some of the rudest, most entitled and demanding patients are older. As though their age gives them that right. Respect is earnt, not a given. Regardless of age.

Hissy Thu 27-Apr-17 07:55:20

The last time my mother was in my home I was told by her and her vile h to "do what I was told"

My reply "I'm 45, I don't do as I'm told. This is MY house, what I say goes"

That was 4 years ago. They'll never be allowed back to my home again.

Hissy Thu 27-Apr-17 07:57:35

There are good people and bad people, those who are kind and those who are abusive.

Abusive people come in all ages. Just growing older doesn't make them soft and fluffy.

whatdoesthatmean Thu 27-Apr-17 09:39:47

Bombarded with messages last night. Or maybe thats an exaggeration but it felt like it. Right when I'm having my first good week in a long time. (Difficult year post separation, young DC).
Yep Hissy, i worry her behaviour is forcing a situation where we'll end up not talking or seeing each other at all. I can't keep trying. I need to focus on my life and my DC.

FlyingDuck Thu 27-Apr-17 09:46:20

I worked for a well known older people's charity for several years. Totally agree with the comment above and entitlement and demands! I'm very much of the belief that all people should be treated courteously and respectfully from the outset, but their own behaviour will inform whether they merit deference and ongoing respect.

Hissy Thu 27-Apr-17 12:15:33

I found the treatment of me got FAR worse when My ex left, they saw me as an easy target I think, they really made life so much harder.

when my abusive ex left, they abandoned me psychologically and dropped me in the do-do wrt childcare, but I coped. It was like some kind of open season on me.

When I pulled myself together a bit and started asking questions, or saying No, they didn't like it and it ramped it up and eventually it came to a head. they hurt my ds physically (but i couldn't say anything as they would have denied it anyway) They were utterly cruel to me by moving without giving me forwarding address etc, I called them out and was told that 'we were never that close anyway"

So that was that. I stopped contact, didn't answer the weekly call when it came in, and was astounded at the same ole same ole story voicemails she left. It was as if there was no issue, no break in comms, no rift, no problem.

If they kept carrying on as normal, ignoring my hurt and feelings over the move, eventually enough time would elapse and I would just have to 'get over myself' and they would have their scapegoat/target back.

Apparently, she is 'devastated' to not have contact with me/ds, but not devastated enough to ever attempt to apologise...

whatdoesthatmean Thu 27-Apr-17 13:54:32

Hissy, i almost can't believe what you have posted. It's been completely​ utterly baffling to me that just when i needed her most my mother has treated me so badly. Not to mention how hurtful it has been. Literally just after I separated from my husband it seemed she reverted to treating me terribly. I've put a lot of it down to me not giving her the attention she needs because I've been preoccupied holding my life together. But it still has really been a confusing (and miserable) experience.
She has also expressed how hurt she is, i just want my children around me etc, but clearly not hurt enough to let anything go.

Hissy Thu 27-Apr-17 16:42:32

It's the struggle to shake off the feeling that somehow I must have deserved to be so badly treated that's the hardest.

I think that others hearing what happened to me must think "there are two sides" and "her mothers lovely to me/Uncle Tom cobbley... she must be lying or have done something.

The urge to scream out what she's done is sometimes overwhelming.

whatdoesthatmean Thu 27-Apr-17 17:11:26

Hissy I'm so sorry i was so wrapped up in myself that i only saw your story from my perspective. They sound awful and it's difficult to understand how your mother could treat you like that.

So much of it really reminds me of the behaviour I've experienced which has been unfathomable to me at times. So it's strange to hear others behaving in such a crap but so similar way.

I'm really sorry about your family. I hope you know that it's not your fault.

I've been seeing a counsellor and I'm starting to feel ok about my family and believe it's not me.

My dad has twice gone AWOL - moved, changed phone number no address etc. I last heard from him over 2 years ago now. (He lives abroad).

I actually feel ok about him cutting contact now. it's sad but used to it.

Hissy Thu 27-Apr-17 18:01:39

Oh lovely whatdoes, I wasn't posting for you to feel bad for me, more that so you don't feel isolated or alone in all this.

Some parents really aren't good. We don't have to have them in our lives just because...

So glad you have a counsellor, I had one too at the time and it did help!

whatdoesthatmean Thu 27-Apr-17 19:46:42

Thank you Hissy.

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