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Leaving Home

(11 Posts)
LoubyTabs Wed 26-Apr-17 13:29:52

Hi all,

I'm empty and lost. Have drink problems. I also have two gorgeous children. What I don't have is my husband, I've lost his trust and his anger which I'm sure I've caused means that I can't live with him.

He has everything, bills, job, flash car, even does the shopping. I love him dearly but my state of mind means that we argue once and I can't cope.

I don't want to leave and have been told I can't (children under 18, husband earns too much) although I'm almost there with my bags packed and nowhere to go.

Any advice please?

Thank you in advance xx

LoubyTabs Wed 26-Apr-17 13:32:41

I should add that I have nothing. Not even 50p.

What I do have is my children who I will always be here for.

Nothing is in my name, all his.

Changedname3456 Wed 26-Apr-17 14:59:09

I take it the anger and loss of trust is a result of the drink problems?

Are you sure he really wants you to end the marriage - what if you can show him you're prepared to tackle the drinking?

Are you sure that YOU definitely want out? Is there anything that he could change which would make you feel mentally stronger? Would he consider some counselling with you or help support you at AA meetings?

pog100 Wed 26-Apr-17 15:13:26

You have half of all the marital assets acquired during your marriage. Being in his name has no bearing on this, including house, car, etc. Who told you you can't leave? I assume it was him, and well he would say that wouldn't he. I am not saying that leaving is the right thing in this case, you do sound vulnerable, but you don't need to feel so helpless and bereft.

hellsbellsmelons Wed 26-Apr-17 15:35:41

Have you seen your GP about your drink problem?
Have you had counselling regarding your issues?
Why don't you have any money?
Do you not have access to family money?
If this is the case then he is financially abusing you and I would suggest you contact Womens Aid. 0808 2000 247
If he is financially abusive then I'm betting he is abusive in other ways too.
He might be the cause of many of your issues.
Start with Womens Aid.
I would also suggest contacting CAB to find out what you would be entitled to if you were to leave with the DC.

LoubyTabs Thu 27-Apr-17 08:54:27

Thank you to all.

The mistrust is due to my drinking. I have been in rehabiliation and recently finished a 10 week counselling course. I take a drink when I'm emotional and have been going to AA and CA for a while.

I worked when both of my children were just 3 months old and decided to work from home when they were around 6 years after being made redundant 4 times.

Problems started when my Mum and stepdad broke up, he was my Dad from a month old then told her on mothers day he was having an affair. I was 33 years old and taking on their rubbish.

I work ad-hoc although if my husband sees or finds money he takes it. He said he isn't aggressive, just pushy. My own Mum said I deserved it when he bit me.

I've just messaged my sponsor from CA to tell her I'm hopeless and thanks for her help.

A bit lost, sorry for the long message.

And thank you x

Changedname3456 Thu 27-Apr-17 09:26:15

He bit you? As in with his teeth?

No matter how upsetting your behaviour has been (and believe me, I have been through a lot in the past with an alcoholic woman who did many things including multiple assaults) you don't deserve to be bitten or hit. I came the closest I've ever been to hitting a woman with that ex, under extreme provocation - including a knife in my face - but I never tipped over. He is out of order unless there's one hell of a back story to it.

In terms of the money, I could understand if he was taking it in order to stop you getting access to alcohol, but there has to be an element of trust in a relationship, no matter how strained, and it doesn't sound like there is any here. With the caveat that we're only hearing one side here, it doesn't sound like this relationship is helping you with your recovery.

He would, eventually, have to split the marital assets and if you can show a court (if it came to that) good progress with your drinking then I don't think you'd lose access to your children - although best to speak to a solicitor as I am in no way qualified.

hellsbellsmelons Thu 27-Apr-17 14:50:33

if my husband sees or finds money he takes it
What? So he has control of all money?
Is there a reason for that?
Why do you allow him to take your money?
Do you have your own bank account?

He's physically abusive as well.
I shall say it again.
CALL WOMENS AID!!!!!!! NOW!!!!!!!!

SandyY2K Thu 27-Apr-17 17:32:16

OP, try and get a plan in place. Just take a moment and think about it.

Money - can you open an account where you get payments made.

Can you obtain proof of his earnings, bank statements, other assets etc

Now, I don't know if him taking your money due to your drinking. I don't know if he acted in self defence and but biting is horrible and animalistic. Just awful.

If you got to point of rehab, then his concern about you having access to money might be valid.

Why would your mum say you deserved it?

I think there is a lot more to this situation.

Gizmo79 Thu 27-Apr-17 17:37:57

There is no excuse for physical violence whether biting or hitting, this sounds like a mixture of physical and financial abuse,. The fact that you have actively seemed help regarding your alcohol abuse shows real determination on your part, and if your DH is unable to support you- which it sounds like he isn't, then get away from his controlling behaviour.

ShiningArmour Thu 27-Apr-17 17:43:01

Op you are being abused by your h and he has gaslighted you so you think you're to blame. Don't go any where without advice, call women's aid. You need proper advice. He can't make you leave, its your house too.

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