Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.
I'm putting this forward for the parent of the day award.(10 Posts)
Ex (D)H and I were divorced when DD, now aged 17, was 6.
We were married for 10 years and she was very much planned for.
We split following a catalogue of abusive relationship on his part which began
yes, you've guessed it during my pregnancy.
As soon as we split he stopped wanted to financially support DD.
So began an 11 year war of attrition via the CSA, just to claim the money DD as set down in law to support DD.
The CSA for their part have been very difficult to deal with, so much so that I have twice received compensation from them following complaints I made about their ineptitude.
Believe me, if Ex H and I could have come to an amicable arrangement at any time over the past 11 years then we would have done. The fact is that he simply didn't want to pay.
He had married
and has since divorced again within 6 weeks of our decree absolute. She was lovely, an excellent step-Mum to DD and supervised visit between DD and ExH.
They split after fewer than 4 years.
After this ExH moved away, he saw DD a few times after their split but very quickly dropped contact.
I did try to persuade him to maintain their relationship but he chose not to.
There is loads more back-story but this could become an epic.
So to now.
When he works he is very well remunerated but he job hops frequently which starts a CSA assessment from the beginning.
His unreliability in making CSA payments is such that they automatically take the money directly from his employer every time.
These calculations take weeks or months for the CSA to complete.
He started with a new company in February, they took a first payment from his salary and this was paid to me.
Despite me contacting the CSA the 2nd payment and 3rd
as of this week have not arrived.
I have chased the CSA and been fobbed off by them.
I sent him a text this evening to ask whether payment had been taken from his wages and asking whether he could demonstrate this to the CSA if he was asked to, my text to him was pleasant and polite.
He sometimes sends me a text to discuss CSA payments, we usually have contact a couple of times a year, so it's not just a case of me contacting or even nagging him.
His response was:
I have no idea what you are on about re maintenance. It comes straight out of my salary every payday like always. I do not have to demonstrate anything.
At the moment, according to them your account with the CSA is in arrears by over £1000.
If you can provide evidence you have paid they need to contact your employer. If not then the CSA can take up to 40% of your wages until the arrears are satisfied. The money may have been taken from your wages but the CSA say that they have not received it.
You could contact the CSA to discuss this yourself. It can easily be sorted.
They can do what they want.
I have proof
Leave me alone. I have far more important things to be concerned about.
So there we have it. His parents may well be ill, there are many important things that happen in life but your own DD? Really? As for 'leave me alone' I only sent him two texts!
Apologies for the typos in that post, I hope it still makes sense?
Ugh. He sounds like an utter twat.
But it also sounds like you're going to get nowhere with him.
I would go back to CSA (appreciate they are being useless too, but unleash some well contained and directed rage and keep going up the ladder until someone actually does something).
Others will have more advice - not sure if a lawyer can do anything?
Hope you have a lovely life with your DD other than this.
The lovely CSA/CMS. Total twonks. I'm a payer (rather than receiving from them) and they're just as hopeless from that perspective.
They pull figures out of thin air, lately including an amount for arrears which is complete BS as I have always paid and always smack on time. When I asked why it was there they couldn't tell me, promised to investigate and then... nothing! I'm back to chasing them again. I know it's not my ex claiming I hadn't paid, so how did it get added?!
That aside, this guy sounds like a treasure. The sort of arsehole that tars the rest of us that actually do try, despite the obstacles our lovely exes put in the way. I don't have any useful advice for you. I don't think going to court would help you - fairly sure that they wouldn't just push it back to CSA - and would be expensive, but it may be worth a free half hour with a solicitor to see what they thought?
Best you can do is keep pushing the useless agency and try not to rely on his money to pay bills.
Thanks kitten your post made me cry!
disclaimer I was very emotional last night
DD had meningitis 2 years ago, when she was in rescus I was shut outside, praying to Gods I don't believe in that she would pull through.
I've never felt so alone in my life.
In fact Changed you have my absolute sympathy, they can be incredibly obstructive, difficult and sometimes they just lie. It's a situation no-one wins. I know lots of people who are absent parents like you and just trying to do the right thing.
DD is a star, she's worked very hard and will be going to University next year. She's someone to be proud of, it's so sad he can't be proud of her too. She's lovely.
OP I wonder if it's worth contacting your MP to ask them to intervene with the CMS?
It might seem a bit off the wall. But my MP helped when I had problems with Tax Credits. Complaints from MPs to government agencies tend to get attention.
I've been to my MP before, that's how I got the compensation from the CSA after they lied and withheld funds meant for me.
If I don't get any joy this time I'll do the same again.
Going to your MP is excellent advice, thank you.
I can't add anything to the CSA discussion but I want to say congratulations on raising your lovely DD through a life with a feckless dad.
You must be very proud of her. And you should be proud of yourself.
Posts like this give me strength and keep me going. DS is 12 and STBEXH owes £18,000 in maintenance plus court costs. I still let DS see his dad EOW because he wants to, but it's like being kicked in the face and laughed at.
ineedmore keep gritting your teeth, ExH used to pontificate at length about how great his new marriage was
that's why they separated after a few years. I was still mourning the loss of the marriage I had put everything into and battling to bring up DD well while he had moved on and rubbed my nose in it.
Breathe through it, my life is good now. I would guess from last nights texts that his is not as great.
As your kids become adults they aren't stupid, they know who went to their parents evenings, fed them their favourite meals at the end of a bad day and dealt with their teenage strops.
Just keep doing what you're doing and try to make yourself as happy as you can.
Maw! Your DD sounds fab and you are her fab mum!
Your ex is an ARSE and will live to regret not being in her life. If he doesn't he's an even bigger arse.
Glad you've got some good advice - stay strong and conquer!
Join the discussion
Please login first.