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(14 Posts)
charlies3 Tue 25-Apr-17 21:16:46

i have never posted but in need of help every time i have an argument with the hubby he packs his stuff & pisses off!!!! fur up to a week at times he blocks me on his phn he sais he does that to give us time to calm down but i go mental bat shi** crazy & it really hurts then after a cpl of days i go in2 a very sad mood n a dont want to do nothing!! wee have a teenage son the youngest of 3 he is disabled he cant talk is incontinent & relies on us for everything & hubby does most of looking after him i dont have any friends & none of my family take anything 2 do with me ave not seen any of them years there embarrassed about my son!!! i feel very lonely my other kids r up n away n dont see much of them, please can any! advise me

titihood Tue 25-Apr-17 21:34:18

I'm really sorry to hear that this is happening. It sounds like you and your DH both have a lot on your plates - being a FT care-giver is really hard work that is both physically and mentally exhausting.

Has DH always left whenever you have an argument, or has it been a more recent thing? It is very immature of him and sounds unfair, unless he is worried about being harmed by you. (I'm not suggesting that is the case, just trying to think why I would walk out.) Have you spoken to him about why he does it, beyond him saying you both need to calm down?

It sounds like you are very lonely and could do with some support. Are there any charities or organizations in your area for carers or people with your son's disability? It can be really helpful to talk to other people in similar situations, even if that is online. Would the council pay for someone to give you a bit of respite for at least few hours a week so you and DH could have some time to reconnect and have a life of your own?

Really hope you can figure things out soon.

charlies3 Tue 25-Apr-17 22:25:34

thanks titihood wee did have an argument years back he hit me n i got him arrested & he sais he leave because he dosent ever want it to get to that stage again!!! & i go nuts n mental wen hes not here because he blocks me on his phone n ignores me

SandyY2K Tue 25-Apr-17 22:43:56

You need to be able to argue without violence and leaving for a week isn't on at all.

He leaves you to the care for a week. Sounds like an excuse to get away and be elsewhere.. Possibly an OW.

People in affairs often instigate arguments to leave.

I couldn't be married to someone who did that.

You need to be firm and tell him that's not an adult way to solve an issue. He needs anger management if he's unable to control himself and failing that... Consider a proper separation.

Do you actually know where he goes for a whole week?

springydaffs Tue 25-Apr-17 23:00:03

I'm not thinking OW. I'm thinking he's controlling you.

So he doesn't hit you but he puts you through the torture treatment by pissing off - for a week! - and blocks you, doesn't speak to you. For a week! A WEEK. Leaving you to shoulder the considerable responsibility at home alone.

The message is: if you argue with me I will punish you. By deserting you and blocking you for a week.

It is abuse. It's the hitting gone underground. Doesn't look so bad. But it's just as bad but in a different way.

Do the Freedom Programme as soon as. Google it, click 'find a course' to find a course near you. Go smile

chubbymummy Tue 25-Apr-17 23:37:12

It doesn't sound like an OW or a control thing to me. It sounds like he doesn't cope well with stress (my DH is like this!).
You said your DH shoulders the bulk of the care for your son, please don't underestimate how stressful he probably finds this, even if he insists on doing it. I know I'm generalising but Men tend to bottle things up and then either explode or go under with the strain, whereas women rant, cry and scream. I suspect when he's overwhelmed by things flight or fight kicks in, and he's avoiding fight as all costs. The blocking you on his phone won't be because he doesn't love you, it'll be because he needs to shut down mentally in order to recharge himself. He'll be terrified of snapping and lashing out again. He's actually doing the right thing as the advice from therapists is to remove yourself from the situation and cut off all lines of communication until you are calm again.
Unfortunately this is a vicious circle as you feel abandoned, unloved and stressed when he does this resulting in arguments when he returns.
How often does it happen, is there a pattern to this (every 2 weeks? 4 weeks?
6 weeks? Where is breaking point?)
Could you look into respite care to give you both some child free time where you can feel like a couple again?

TheNaze73 Wed 26-Apr-17 07:23:59

OW klaxon....

Amazing how quickly that always gets rolled out. I think he has anger management issues.

Proudmummytodc2 Wed 26-Apr-17 07:32:14

It's not an OW this is always thrown out on here.

To me it sounds like he's instigating arguments to get a week away from caring for your son.

Caring full time of a disabled child is very full on and very stressful and (sorry for generalising here) men seem to bottle things up rather than say they need help.

This is not the way to go about it though he needs to speak to you properly if he's struggling to see if you can help out with the car of your son rather than storming off and leaving you to it for a week this is unacceptable.

It sounds stressful all round OP I think you should sit down with DH and tell him how you feel about it all and it's not acceptable for him to act this way and need to tell you when he needs help.

Hope everything gets sorted.

robinia Wed 26-Apr-17 07:33:30

I think chubbymummy has it.
He is stressed and needs a break.
Do look into getting more support for you and your dh with your son.

RunRabbitRunRabbit Wed 26-Apr-17 09:05:31

He is stressed and needs a break! What the fuck!

I am often stressed and need and break, so is the OP I'm sure. We don't walk off and abandon the family for a week.

Do you have medical people involved in your son's care? Could you tell them about all this?

springydaffs Wed 26-Apr-17 10:08:07

Just bcs someone is stressed to breaking point, doesn't mean they can't also behave abusively. Just saying.

I'm as guilty as the next of simplifying problems, when it could be a combination of a number of factors.

Whatever, you and your family /marriage are under immense pressure. I do hope you can get effective support flowers

scottishdiem Wed 26-Apr-17 13:11:59

So one person leaves to escape an argument. Which is actually a viable strategy when someone will not just stop. Especially since the person who will not let the argument stop subsequently goes bat shit mental crazy. Both DP and I are very conflict averse and will just leave rather than argue if its getting more heated that a standard discussion. Neither of us is abusing each other by being that conflict averse.

You both need help to address your communication issues.
You both need help on the carer issues.
You both need help to deal with the stress of caring.

springydaffs Wed 26-Apr-17 14:56:55

What, leave for a WEEK, Scottish? A few hours, certainly; a morning, a day. But a week?

charlies3 Thu 27-Apr-17 23:14:31

thanks for feedback!!! there is no ow i no that 100% he goes to a relatives, my dh works hard am not sticking up for it!!! when he comes home its my turn to sit down but im that tiered i do moan alot i feel alone all the time, but it feels like he dosent give a feck & i try to talk to him & its shut up or he goes silent for days then fecks aff!!! its like smile cause hes happy n then feck off he wants quiet life i just want a bit of normality if there is any

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