I'll try make this as concise as possible but it's still going to be long...
I posted recently about going NC with my dad, who had taken some money from my brother via their joint business account, just before my brother's baby arrived. Brother found out around the time the baby was born. This has forced my brother to seek new employment elsewhere while finishing up a few contracts for the old company that he felt duty bound to complete before leaving my dad to his own devices re. the business they co-owned. He's been very busy - working extremely long hours to make ends meet and says to me he feels like he hasn't really spent any time with his new baby.
SIL has apparently always been surrounded by alcoholism - her mum and her sister are, according to my DM, both alcoholics. Since the birth of the baby, she too has turned to the bottle, it seems. I had a very slurred phone call from her the other night telling me she wishes my toxic DF would die (she is entitled to her opinion in that respect as DF is a knob so I wasn't upset by the content of the call - more worried about the fact she was clearly steaming drunk with a 4mo in the house). DB was with her, sober, but I understand they had been arguing.
My mum (divorced from my dad now) rang me last night as she is worried about her grandchild, and wants to 'hold a family conference with SIL, brother and SIL's family' to discuss the child's safety, the alcohol problems and SIL and DB's relationship - basically she wants to stage an intervention. She is actively encouraging my brother to leave SIL as she is worried he will become depressed and 'hurt himself' (he's not said anything to indicate he feels this way). DB was apparently planning to leave her, up until she announced the pregnancy. As far as I can see, DB can't afford to leave and rent elsewhere, and it would leave the baby in a house with an alcoholic mother. I would much rather DB stayed to ensure baby is safe when the drinking starts.
Having recently had a baby myself, my suspicion is that a combination of PND, sleep deprivation, the financial stress of DB temporally loosing his income, effectively having to act as a single mother due to the circumstances around the baby's birth (DB working long hours) and a past rooted in alcoholism is what has triggered SIL's drinking - therefore I think the honourable thing for my DB to do is to stay, to help his partner and support her through this. Or at least to try (DM does not think he has not sought any professional advice or help for her and is worried doing so would trigger SS involvement).
DM disagrees and thinks DB should leave SIL and feels we can 'manage the situation as a family' and 'pull together'. She thinks SIL will take kindly to being sat down by her MIL and told she needs help, needs to allow DB to leave her and that she shouldn't look after the child - I strongly disagree and think it would kick off. My feeling is that if DM feels the child is at any risk then social services need to become involved, but otherwise her role at present should be to council my brother how best to help his partner and help him research places to find advice and support for them as a family. I feel DM would just be seen as meddling if she stages her 'intervention' and it won't help anyone.
Am I on the right track? I have no experience with alcoholism, neither does DM. I suspect DM just wants to look out for her grandchild and her son, but I can't help but feel my SIL's needs are not being addressed. She needs some compassion and support, surely?
I'm just not sure we are the ones to do that at this point, I think DB needs be instrumental in organising help for her, and I don't see why we can't support him in that respect. Obviously if that doesn't work or there is reason to suggest social services need to be informed, then I feel that is the best way forward.
So I suppose my question is - WWYD?
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Relationships
DM wants to stage intervention with alcoholic(?) DIL
littleshoutymouse · 25/04/2017 15:57
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