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Feel neglected by DH after baby(39 Posts)
Not sure what I hope to get out of this, maybe some commiseration / encouragement (?) most of all need to get this off my chest.
I'm a bit disillusioned at the moment with the state of my relationship. When I got with my hubby he came across like a brilliant guy in terms of being caring, empathetic, loving. I believed he'd be a perfect dad (one of the reasons why I felt confident about trying for a child with him.)
Now I find myself with this person who is not only happy to watch me do everything around the child, including all the night shifts, feedings, nappy changes etc without ever showing much empathy (for instance, if the roles were reversed I would have immediately taken the child off him after a day at work, seeing his tired face with under eye bags and knowing how hard it can be, but not my partner) but also does not seem interested in me in a romantic capacity. He just goes into his own shell after work, never suggests we go out for a date, doesn't approach me for sex (oh how I wish I was one of these women who have their men pinning for sex but turn them down), even my birthday card a couple of months ago (he used to always write me some really romantic things) was just all about me being a mom etc. Like that is literally the only thing I am now - a full time carer to his baby :-/ Oh and btw my present was a fancy "contactless" baby thermometer... I did want one but not necessarily for my bday and it was a milestone one as well :-///
I realise I've gained a bit of weight while pregnant however now I'm almost back to my pre-pregnancy weight (8 pounds to go) and try to take care of myself as much a possible considering I have a 6 month old to take care of. Anyway aren't men supposed to be so sex obsessed that they don't even 100% care how you look or feel like as long as they get some? We do occasionally have sex but it's out of my initiative and to be honest I've been thinking whether he's just doing it out of obligation rather than genuine desire.
I did think maybe he was cheating but I just don't see when and how he'd do that. He's always home like a quarter after five, we spend all weekends together. He is physically present but not mentally and intimately.
When browsing the net everything is about men feeling rejected by their partners, it happens to women to!
Oh the birthday and present is just crap!
Have you sat him down and spoken to him about how you feel?
He could cheat online quite easily.
You need to have this out with him, I honestly don't know why he has checked out but there must be a reason why he has changed so dramatically.
Personally any man that was watching me struggle with sleep deprivation and his own baby and was not even offering to help me wold be shown the door by now; I'd not stand for it.
@Hissy Yes I thought that, too! Seeing my a tad disappointed face (I tried to hide it but guess it still shown) he did provide some clumsy explanation around "realising is not very romantic but not knowing what else to get me" but still - it was crap.
@Adora10 He'd be asking me sometimes "do you need help" and he does stuff I ask him for, but it just pisses me off that I have to ask each and every time and to be honest I often prefer not too because he is usually so miserable after doing the slightest of things around LO.
Maybe he's got some PND? Don't know if that's the word for it when applied to men but it can happen. And you said hr is miserable after doing things with LO. How is he otherwise?
Do you think he's depressed? Might be if he no longer seems to get enjoyment from anything.
Have you actually spoken to him about how you feel?
He may be also reading all the things on the internet rather than talking to you and trying to let you take the lead re sex and the baby.
I tried talking to him about it a couple of days ago, framed it more around the lack of appreciation for what I was doing + I was annoyed because he'd also said something our cost sharing arrangements which I found hurtful and annoying. He listened, apologised for the money blunder, but otherwise "didn't know what more to say." I'm a bit embarrassed to confront him head-on about my need for intimacy, or at least to feel desired - at least now I can pretend like I'm not that interested too and save some of my sense of worth :-/ I mentioned the sex issue it here and there though in throwaway comments/half-jokes but that doesn't seem to sink in at all.
Because there are a million things it could be. He could be trying to be respectful of you in your new role in a cackhanded way or he could be a sexist pig with a madonna/whore complex who sees you as a nurse maid and domestic appliance to support his Big Important Job or be struggling himself and not communicating like an adult or anything in between or not those things...
You need to sit him down and explain how you feel you are struggling with the baby on your own and that you feel he only sees you as a mother now which makes you sad. Then listen to what he says.
If he won't even communicate with you about it (and you don't want to communicate with him) what relationship do you even have?
I am sorry but the man is not blind; if he is depressed he needs to say, if he wants out, he needs to say; if he has not got your back at a time like this then what have you got, you are both going to have to talk this out and be completely honest; we can't guess on here why he has checked out, could be anything but it still does not excuse his complete lack of effort for helping with is own child, men like this do my head in, like they have never grown up themselves.
@Offred clearly not a very good one at the moment! He's always been a gentle giant and would get "blocked" before when I tried to bring things to light before. He has (before the baby) been a very respectful guy so it might be as you said him respecting my new role and not wanting to put extra pressure but then I don't even see him glancing at me in a lustful manner (whereas he does occasionally at some ladies on telly, like when they play a music video for instance)
Duh, so embarrassing this whole thing.
Sorry for my scattered-brain writing, I guess it's the sheer exhaustion of it all at the moment.
@Adora10 You're right, you're very right. I could get over my pride and talk to him again but part of me thinks it will just make things worse - I can't seem to get much out of him and whinging and moaning would make me not only (what I assume he thinks) physically unattractive but also whingy and moany. I think at least now he has some respect for me. DH has been blocking people out since childhood (his own father gets the cold shoulder all the time because him and his mother used to argue quite badly and DH felt neglected - poor guy his dad tries hard to reconnect now but to no avail.)
Communication is essential in any relationship.
If this has always been an issue then I suggest you consider leaving sooner rather than later - I know that seems drastic!
I have come to that view through the unfortunate experience of spending 3 years desperately trying to get my xh to do even basic communication before leaving him.
And adora's post is how I came to feel.
I spent a year waiting for xh to get counselling, he never did, though suggested it when I told him I was leaving (too late).
Him not communicating meant he had a lot of advantages. He did explain he get he was on the verge of a nervous breakdown when the twins were born but I had had a breakdown and sought support and I felt it was not good enough for him to run away and hide and then throw it at me years later having not taken any responsibility at the time.
@Offred sorry this has happened to you, I can imagine (well don't have to imagine, living through this now) how isolating it is when a partner shuts you out, and I agree they get many advantages out of this behaviour. For instance when my DH is unhappy he is just giving me the cold shoulder and looks unhappy so I usually feel like walking on eggshells trying hard not to upset him.
Are you still in touch with him, and has he been any better since you've left? There's been times when I thought I should at least threaten to leave and see what happens.
My husband isn't one to take over looking after our baby without being asked. I spoke to him about it and he wasn't feeling as confident as I was with our newborn. Wheb I asked him to do something he would straight away.
Your partner may not realise he's not pulling his weight since he sees you coping so well.
You said you feel like only a mother now, he may only feel like a father so is only thinking about things for the baby. I would be happy he spoke about you as a mum in your card not just someone he wants to have sex with.
When he does help with your lo is he a good dad? If the answer is yes then you should count yourself luckily as soon many women have to fight to try and make their children's fathers want to be a father
Try and think about the good things and don't concentrate on the bad. No parent is perfect
Don't threaten if you aren't prepared to go.
He is still the same uncommunicative person but he wanted the DC 40% of the time when I left because 'you are not taking my kids' so the balance of things has improved. The final straw was me going nuts being a SAHM and him saying that he didn't want me to get a job as I 'already do so much for the family and besides that would be impossible for me re work'...
I interpreted it as him deciding that if I got a job I would still have to do everything at home and work around his Big Important Job. The day I left, as well as suddenly being amenable to counselling (I said I would go one year before if he didn't try it), he changed his working hours to accommodate shared care
He's not really my problem anymore.
For me really I just couldn't get past how he could have watched me breaking down and the twins failing to thrive and only decide to make concessions when it might benefit him.
It was too much selfishness.
@Teaandchocolate92 Thanks for this! Always appreciate a different POV. Come to think of it, in the past he's made some comments about "not knowing what to do" with the baby and he's been upset before for not being able to calm LO down when I wasn't present.
And now having got an LLB in preparation to finally get into the workplace my DD has had a breakdown (ASD and school related) and I was diagnosed with MS the same week I graduated...
My advice is life is too short to waste banging your head on the table for the sake of a man.
I honestly think it's too easy for men to just say 'I don't know what to do' as a way to get out of adult responsibilities!
No-one knows what to do with their first baby, their first washing machine, their first council tax bill etc. Grown ups work it out and ask for help!
This happened to my mum after my brother was born, Dad just didn't go near her so she snogged my Dad's best mate in front of him and my Dad got jealous and it shocked him into seeing Mum as a woman again. By all accounts he grabbed her back!!!!
Now obviously this is a high risk strategy, and I wouldn't recommend it, but could you dress up and go for a night out with the girls letting him notice you on the way out looking HOT type thing? So he realises what a desirable woman he has?
IMO 6 months in you are still establishing post baby sexual routines, so don't panic. It isn't the same post baby for anyone.
And if you find yourself alone in your relationship with someone who doesn't really mind enough about leaving you to it, to actually even say they don't know or learn even when they are given the opportunity, then you are always better off actually alone IMO. <- that was my xh, I always initiated the conversations, he always shut down and wouldn't say anything and then he'd PA attack me in some way for not knowing how he felt or because he took me asking him how he felt as me telling him to do something he didn't want to do.
@Offred Yes - that exactly - seeing you struggle (and with twins, kudos to you! having one is challenging enough) and doing nothing. My DH even has the balls to say "I need a nap now / I need a shower now" etc when he's known full well I've not slept since 4 am. I feel like your ex at least realised how much you do since he didn't want you to go back to work (not a great attitude but at least he was clued in), I feel like mine just expects me to do it all or thinks what I do is just so easy and worthless. He's perfectly happy with my going back to work, and even said that the nursery should defo be next to my workplace so of course I can still do everything with LO. Get up at 6, feed him, change him, get him ready, take him to nursery, work, pick him up, get home, change, feed, rock to sleep, wake up at night. When I said "you know you'd need to help more when I'm back to work" he made an annoyed face and replied "but what do you mean, he'd be bigger and less maintenance."
I'm glad you feel happier without exH and that it's become more manageable with shared parental responsibility (how sad the court had to force him to get the "shared" part) and interesting that the twins became "his children" now but didn't seem like they were before going by his behaviour
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