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Jealousy in a relationship. How do i put a lid on it?(25 Posts)
I've always been quite a jealous person in a relationship. Not in a possessive, psycho type way where I fly off the handle every 5 minutes. I just mean the thought of my dp with someone else in the past or the thought of him looking at someone else etc. Just writing this down sounds ridiculous!
Last night we were talking about his ex wife who he split with 4 years ago and is just getting divorced from her now. He said "I was still having sex with her months after the split," which gave me a big pang of green eyes. What on earth is wrong with me! I said I didn't need to know thanks, then that's all I could think about with him with his ex, having "goodbye" sex for a few months after they broke up
I hate this jealousy I feel at times as it's an ugly trait to have and I just need some pointers as to how I can curb it please. I know this all sounds ridiculous! Thank you.
Is something in your past, influencing your thinking? You may need some help to overcome that maybe?
I have some insight into how you feel as my DP was with his EX for 20 years & he is still in the family home, bed etc Though we have never talked about sex with previous partners!
I can't really advise you but that you have to accept that yr DP has a past - as does everyone - and you need to stop dwelling on it. Find a way to interrupt those thoughts eg a distraction or exercise
TheNae73 it could be, although what sort of things might it be which would influence my thinking? I mean is there any "textbook" theories.
I do need to stop dwelling on it. I was trying to distract myself at work today when those thoughts about him with ex came into my head. It's still niggling my mind though
I'm no expert however, your thought process seemed a bit irrational from what you'd mentioned, so was assuming that something had influenced your thinking
Irrational as in my getting the green eyes about goodbye sex with his ex 4 years ago? It is wrong isn't it.
I suffer from low self esteem and constantly worried about people leaving me. That might stem from my father leaving when I was 2 maybe. Or when I was 19, I fell out with my two best friends (they were sisters) which had been my best friends for 10 years and we'd gone though all those childhood/teenage experiences together. Despite my trying to contact and apologise, I was ignored for 10 years by them. Other friends fizzled out at that point and I never really made any new friends. I have feared "abandonment" from that point.
I don't actually think anyone exactly enjoys have specific shagging someone else images thrust into their head from a partner (especially when it's a serious ex you know of/about) - but dwelling on it isn't doing you any favours.
When I have any pangs of jealousy I just ask myself 'Is thinking about this doing me any good?''Will it have a positive effect on my relationship' and 'Don't I have plenty of exes of my own who mean absolutely jack all to me'? NO, NO, and HELL YES.
And maybe 'Isn't my wondrous vagina a lovely place to be and doesn't he love being there?'
Then think about all the cool/impressive/amazing stuff he likes about you and why you two are such a great couple. Go off into a full on 'just the two of us' montage. Think about your relationship, the present and your future plans. And get on with that.
Maybe you are jealous and in that case you need to just keep it all to yourself I'm afraid and deal with it
BUT .. what man tells you he was still having sex with his ex months after they split? I cannot imagine my husband telling me this because A it's not my business and I've no interest in it and B he's not a tool so wouldn't find it necessary to share this particular titbit
I think this particular issue lies with your partner and the correct way of dealing with it would be to say 'why on earth do you think I either care or need to know?'
Jealousy is just a series of thoughts. Thoughts that are actually unreal. These negative intrusive thoughts need to be seen and yet let go of.
If you do not get help in understanding this you are destined for a miserable life and ultimate breakdowns of future relationships. Not just romantic relationships but all relationships.
I would be upfront with him and make it clear you have some insecurity issues and you don't want to hear anything about his ex's or other women he finds hot etc. I did this with my DP and he respects my feelings and never brings anything like that up anymore. Things like porn don't really bother me as it's not real life. It's more the women he's actually been physical with or the women we see in every day life that I don't want to know about or hear about if he thinks they look hot.
My low self esteem comes from not being happy with my body which I'm trying to change now by dieting.
Do you think your partner could have been trying to mke you jealous on purpose? Some people play these sorts of mind games to exert a bit of power in the relationship
I said to him I wish he's not told me that because I didn't need to know. He said he was just being honest and wants to be able to tell me anything I said somethings are good to share and somethings I do need to know, such as if he'd had a past affair in a relationship for instance so I could make an informed decision on whether I want to stay in a relationship with fear he could do the same to me (he hasn't had an affair by the way.)
He just said it's all the same thing, sharing is sharing and he wants to be honest with me. I respect him for that but I just really didn't need to know about him shagging his ex after they split.
You are perfectly entitled to tell him again that it's been playing on your mind and in future he really needs to keep anything like that to himself to prevent you from feeling anxious. If he loves you then he'll agree and drop it.
What is it about the situation that makes you feel most insecure? Is it picturing him having great sex? Or do you feel like she's better looking than you, or has something you wished you had like a slimmer body or bigger boobs? Or have you never seen a photo of her so you're imagining her to be some drop dead gorgeous model?
I hate to think of my DP ever having felt the feelings he has for me for someone else. Being all loved up and turned on with them and thinking they are beautiful and sexy etc
What I try and tell myself now is that it didn't work out with her, he's since chosen to be with me and he clearly loves me and fancies me or he'd leave. I also remember all the 'amazing' and 'erotic' moments I had with ex's who mean absolutely nothing to me now. I don't even find the majority of them remotely attractive anymore and I certainly don't compare my DP to them. If she was meant to be with him then it would have worked out.
And who cares if he had good sex with her. He more than likely has much better sex with you seeing as he's in a happy loving relationship with you now. If she was that great then surely he'd just go back to her? He doesn't as he wants you
It's called "retrospective jealousy" OP, and stems from your own self esteem.
Absolutely NOT judging. How do you think I know this.
I think it's one thing to talk in passing of your previous sexual relationships. Assuming you're over 30 chances are that you've both had previous sexual partners in which case it would be naive to have issues with those. However needing to talk about how one was having sex with a previous partner long after they split just isn't something anyone needs to be telling their current partner, and I don't get this idea of needing to be completely honest about it. Why do you need to know other than on a superficial level?
I can't bear the fact either of my DP having been with someone else, and wanting/desiring them in ways he now does with me. Saying things to them he now says to me, but it's not something I need to think about as he never talks about his previous encounters as they were all in the past and as he says, he's with me now and none of those are important any more. Conversely my ex used to talk about his ex quite a lot. In the beginning he used to tell me the things he liked her to do, so as to suggest that I do them the same. She once came up in conversation while we were out with friends and he stated very publicly what a great shag she was. Mutual friend slapped him down quite spectacularly for that one, but it was always a point of contention between us, and the fact that she was better than me and prepared to do things in bed which I wasn't. He did used to tell me that it didn't matter because he was with me and not with her, but actually it did matter as. Felt constantly compared.
I would have a conversation with your DP and tell him that while obviously some talk of previous encounters is normal in passing, needing to tell you how long he was continuing to have sex with his ex for is clearly not something you need to know.
Good post from Teddy.
I sympathise op as i get the old green eyes myself. What I find helps is to let a few days pass and usually by then I think how silly I felt to feel that way. Rather than reacting or getting upset at the time. Jealousy is sn instantaneous reaction and if you can just keep your cool in the moment it often passes soon enough
I also remember all the 'amazing' and 'erotic' moments I had with ex's who mean absolutely nothing to me now. I don't even find the majority of them remotely attractive anymore and I certainly don't compare my DP to them. If she was meant to be with him then it would have worked out.
That's the focus. You can get lost in what he has done and forget what you've done yourself.
I think it's very telling about the sort of man he is, that he felt the need to let you know he was at it with his ex, and that is was ongoing after they split up
AND not content with that he is not even a bit worried he upset you as he is BEING HONEST.
Some men seem able to provoke a feeling of jealousy in every partner they have. My friend's vile brother has this skill, when the novelty of having a new girlfriend has worn off, one of the many horrible things he does to chip at their self esteem is to over share details from his past relationships, frequently speaking about his ex good looks, great body and dress sense, insisting they adored him, even though he behaved appallingly towards them he turns them into Godesses.ALways mentioning past holidays, great restaurants, nights out all involving other women.He gets great pleasure from causing an argument with his new GF about a past relationship, even if he's not seen these Girlfriends for years, he'll always drop their names into conversations.The Mothers of his children are not described so positively, anyone listening to his twisted perspective only, would think they were deranged, but he enjoys painting this picture of them as being bitter and unreasonable.The new Girlfriend will come to hate them, all based upon his version of events.Eventually, they wise upto the fact he is an abusive man who has turned them into a nervous wreck.The cycle then begins all over again when he meets someone else.
Maybe you should be 'honest' and 'share' some of the excellent shags you've had over the years.
Lots of helpful replies, thank you
I think I may have had a lightbulb moment after reading "What is it about the situation that makes you feel most insecure?" I didn't have a relationship with my father as he always adored my (older) sister and I was always 2nd best and the "tag along." Growing up I always felt 2nd best to my best friend as everyone fancied/asked her out etc and she was popular and outgoing. My first "proper" boyfriend even asked her out first (and was turned down) and I always had a lingering 2nd best feeling. So maybe in some odd, twisted way, I fear being 2nd best in my dps eyes, even though that sounds completely irrational and ridiculous.
I have seen pic of her and she is pretty. I'm not model but I wouldn't look at her and think Ooo she's much prettier than me. She has got big boobs though! They have a child together, which dp and I will never have as we both don't want anymore kids. Maybe I fear being 2nd best to the mother of his (only child.) It is a special bond to have with someone (even if their only contact is about their child as they aren't amicable at the moment.)
I know i'm not 2nd best but this could be the root of things. I agree he was an arse for even mentioning sex with her. He didn't specify it as "great" sex or anything. He just said it was "goodbye sex"
that was - bloody long goodbye sex-- if it lasted months I said when I split with my ex I wanted to bury him not have "goodbye sex"
Ah feel for you OP, I am in a similar situation. I've been single for nearly 10 years, but am now in a relationship with a wonderful man. I have been friends with him for 3 years and together for 10 months and it is just fantastic.
He had a previous serious relationship that ended about 4/5 months before we got together and I have moments where it is all I can think of. They lived together in her house and it is stupid stuff like there is still food she brought in the freezer and an old pair of her wellies in the outhouse etc. It drives me mad but I will not turn into that awful green eyed woman!
For example, we have agreed to leave it at least 2 years before moving in together as I have a DC. And yet, in my head I have a witch who creeps up occasionally and whispers 'He clearly doesn't love you as much as he loved her. He wanted to live with her.' It is clearly barmy and I would never dream of saying anything to him as he would be so upset!
I think in my case I have always been a bit insecure. I'm very outgoing and bubbly but there is a kernel of it inside me. My DF cheated on my DM when I was 15 and it had a catastrophic effect on the family then my XH cheated on me as well. It took me years to put my self back together from it and I never thought I'd trust a man again. But trust him I do, completely. Funny to realise sometimes jealously has nothing to to with the DP!
I think this is a difficult one. When I was with my exP I moved into his house and there was stuff of hers still there (his ex-w) and it drove me mad. But I don't really know why. It wasn't a good relationship and was far too rushed. He was possessive and jealous and suffocating. I hated thinking about him with her. I'd been single a long time before we met which might be why I rushed into things or why I couldn't stand her things being around. He was also a hoarder who kept the top tier of their wedding cake and refused to get rid
Now, new relationship, kind, caring man. Relationship not rushed at all, not in touch daily but it's an important relationship. He and his ex have DC. I also know he had a few partners before her (we're 40s). Could not care less. We are together now and enjoying how it's going. I have no feelings of jealousy whatsoever.
I only offer this as maybe it's to do with the relationship itself and the healthiness of it. I don't know. It's really not worth dwelling on though. We all have a past, that's life. He's with you now
A serious question... What difference does it make that he had sex for a while with his ex after their separation? He had plenty of sex with her while they were together and this was before you even knew him. It just doesn't matter. He's a human being who had a life before you, as you did. You're obsessing about things in the past that are long over. Nothing will kill a relationship faster than jealousy.
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