We need counselling and I could do with some advice

[makingdoo]

Sorry if this ends up being long but want to give as much information as possible.

DH and I have been together 20 years and married 9years. We are both 38.
We don't have any children due to fertility issues. And the fact we don't have sex.

I changed career a few months after we got married and began working long hours and traveling a lot. I loved my career and DH was very y supportive. Until the stress of the job started making me ill and it took me too long to finally quit.
I quit a few months ago and took a lower level lower paid role with the same company for the sake of my health and our relationship. I stupidly decided this was an ideal opportunity to start my own venture part time from home. Like I can't function without stress!

We've been through a lot over the years from redundancy, money worries, IVF and the usual family stresses. We've always been affectionate and loving and genuinely like each other.
We rarely socialise and when we do it tends to be separate as DH doesn't like drinking or pubs. I stopped asking him to socialize as its always an argument to get him to go and then I end up being anxious over it and not enjoying my night.
We tend to spend our evenings in different rooms and I go to bed and I'm usually asleep by the time he comes to bed.

We had been bumbling along ok until the weekend and he exploded over something trivial and told me he's unhappy and he doesn't know if he can go on much longer as we are.

This threw me as he hadn't said anything before. So we had a proper talk last night about what to do and we agreed that we both love each other and want things to work. We've made an agreement to try to talk more openly and to make an effort to spend time together. We both got a lot of things off our chest.
We agreed that maybe we should try counselling to try to get to the bottom of our sex issues.

I'm overwhelmed by the whole thing and don't want to discuss with my friends so I'm hoping that I'll get some insight and advice here.

If you've read this far then thank you!

[Adora10]

38 and no sexual relationship, are you sure it's not just died a death, came to a natural end, it's not a good indication by what you have written.

If I was you, I'd give counselling a go but I'd be prepared to walk away, I couldn't be in a relationship that didn't involve sexual contact.

Why did you stop having sex?

[makingdoo]

Thanks for your reply.

I don't think it has run its course. I think we should have had counselling after our IVF failed.
I didn't want the disappointment of thinking I could be pregnant and then another negative test. We got lazy and out of the habit and its just spiralled from there

[Aquamarine1029]

If you really want to save your marriage then you need to get into counseling as soon as possible. It's wonderful that he is willing to go along. You said you don't socialize together, but what about finding something new the two of you can do together? Like a fun cooking class, exercise class or art lessons? Something totally different to break the grind you're in. Learn about each other in a while new light.

[Sunshineandlaughter]

Sex issues linked to ivf i would say. As most of your relationship problems will be linked to the infertility from what you've said. You need now to form a different relationship - one without the prospect of children in it - you are going through a massive readjustment, grieving and redefining stage.