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Can you help me decide. Not sure what red flags are.....

(52 Posts)
staryeyes00 Tue 25-Apr-17 13:33:42

Set up by a friend of a friend....
A week of texting. Arranged a date. Coffee at 3pm. Long first date as he talked ALOT. Told me alot about his marriage. Other very very personal stuff. End of date I gave him a kiss on the cheek. He then mentioned 2nd date. He would cook. No let's eat out. Actuallywe could have an accidental date. (Red flag?)
Follow up text....he thanks me for a lovely first date and says let me know about a 2nd date. So I text and mention a meal. He agrees. I say I'm free such and such a date. He then didn't get back to me until 2am (red flag?)
Next day. He says as long as it's not this day this day this day I'm free. He has his grown up sons for tea 3 days a week. I had already mentioned my time is limited as my young dd's don't go to their dad's. Already he's telling me he can't be flexible (red flag?)
I mention I'm free Sunday. He says. My one son is out clubbing so I will wait for him to wake up and cook for him. So basically he isn't free. His texts are complimentary but he is always needing validation from me. This is after ONE date. Soon as I do (not overly) he disappears. He wondered why I didn't want to kiss him. Why didn't I chat much. Was I disappointed.
He then disappeared again and text back at 1am. I'm asleep.
He mentioned a meal. I agreed. He disappeared so no clue what time.
A couple of days later I hint I'm free for ma be a coffee. He texts back at 10pm saying sorry I thought I'd replied. He has been on facebook throughout the day. So I just put a thumbs up.
In the mean time he has put a facebook post. Stating something about being single. Yes he is but is this inconsiderate?
If a guy wants to date you he makes it happen right.
Do I text and say are we still on for Fri? Or leave it as if he was interested I would feel he was.

Adora10 Tue 25-Apr-17 13:56:01

If a guy wants to date you he makes it happen right.

Yes and there's enough flags flying about you that you seem to be ignoring, he's a player OP, probably forgetting which one he is talking to.

Huskylover1 Tue 25-Apr-17 13:59:02

I don't like the sound of him at all!

LaGattaNera Tue 25-Apr-17 13:59:27

Wow even if he was Brad Pitt I wouldn't put up with all this.
It's all just so odd and such hard work!

ImperialBlether Tue 25-Apr-17 13:59:34

Oh god, I couldn't be bothered with him! He's hard work and you've only had one date!

staryeyes00 Tue 25-Apr-17 14:04:35

Oh god help me then because......
I have sent him a message. Please don't shout 🙈
I have said 'are we still on for Friday as you have gone quiet?' He has read it and ignored but at work. I really wanted to hold my dignity here and blown it haven't I?

Adora10 Tue 25-Apr-17 14:07:16

So what, you are just expecting some respect which he is not giving you; personally id be tempted to call off the date on Friday if he actually agrees to one.

Yellowcups Tue 25-Apr-17 14:11:27

Don't bother with him. He's too high maintenance!

gettinfedduppathis Tue 25-Apr-17 14:12:23

Dunno about a red flags, more like a string of brightly-coloured bunting grin

Sounds like this relationship would be hard work. I wouldn't bother tbh.

staryeyes00 Tue 25-Apr-17 14:13:22

So I don't look 'needy'? Yes you're right actually. I have done nothing but be honest. I'm just expecting honesty back.
I wish I'd left it now though!

Justmadeperfectflapjacks Tue 25-Apr-17 14:15:08

Surely morning coffee and he would have been home before his ds had stirred from a drunken coma?
Sounds like he is trying to fit you into a very busy dating schedule unfortunately. .

staryeyes00 Tue 25-Apr-17 14:18:14

I wasn't sure if it was my gut feeling or my terrible past dating judgment clouding me.
It was like he needed validating. I was very cool and calm until I jave messaged him today.

yetmorecrap Tue 25-Apr-17 14:39:43

Is this guy married/with someone? hate to say it but thats what it feels like

ocelot7 Tue 25-Apr-17 14:50:03

Maybe this guy has been out of the dating scene for a long long time & meanwhile has focused on life with his sons... Though he also seems to keep weird hours for a (working?) adult..

Reminds me of a friend who was asked out by a lovely colleague in RL but inexplicably said she was a bit busy & could they meet up in a couple of months time shock He's now married to someone else! She couldn't explain - maybe was a bit nervous about getting out there again

Whatever the reason - its never any use chasing someone... See if he gets back to you & otherwise ignore

theredjellybean Tue 25-Apr-17 14:55:19

neon flashing red flags with massive alarm bells going off....

honestly i cannot be doing wiht these pathetic menchildren ...he liked you, he wants a second date...then how hard is it to say ' fab lets go out for dinner on friday ' say ' lovely' and deal done

he sounds a bit of a tight ass ....he doesnt want to take you out to dinner, he is messing you about, he talked alot about his marriage, he has to look after his grown up sons...sorry OP cut losses now

MrsELM21 Tue 25-Apr-17 14:56:14


If he's keen he'll text back and arrange, but if not, I really don't think you've lost anything, don't text him again, I'd say you're better off without him, far too much hard work after only 1 date!

Offred Tue 25-Apr-17 15:02:05

A man who will call you 'needy' for expecting clarity re a date he has invited you on is a sexist pig. Stop worrying about that.

I don't think the fact that he is saying he has DC and therefore limited flexibility is a red flag. It just means as you are in the same position this is not a good match.

Red flags I would read into this are; over sharing on first date, him not being interested in finding out about you but rather talking all about himself and his patchy on/off communication and seemingly poor general communication skills.

staryeyes00 Tue 25-Apr-17 15:02:42

I definitely won't text again. The longer he ignores my last message the more I think I was right to trust my gut. Should not have text him. If he was at all interested he would of been reassuring me. I think it's the rejection I am not looking forward to. I should of not text him then I wouldn't have to put myself through that

staryeyes00 Tue 25-Apr-17 15:05:38

Offred - That's exactly what he did 🙈 he then said you don't say much. He also gave compliments via text and said I like them back. It's like he needed validating.

Offred Tue 25-Apr-17 15:10:18

Needing validation is a red flag

Offred Tue 25-Apr-17 15:10:56

Why shouldn't you text asking for clarity? confused

Offred Tue 25-Apr-17 15:11:56

This one wants his mummy not an equal partner... chuck him back with a giggle

IHeartDodo Tue 25-Apr-17 15:12:49

Also if you're so keen to find red flags maybe it means you're actually not that into him? You don't sound too keen tbh?

staryeyes00 Tue 25-Apr-17 15:16:48

Thankyou all smile
I thought I liked him but as time has gone on I get a funny feeling about him.

Offred Tue 25-Apr-17 15:16:54

First dates should be treated as a statement of intention. He has stated his intention is to avoid talking to you, mess you around, make you feel it is your fault for not being good enough and that the relationship is going to be all about him.

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