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Relationships

At it again :(

110 replies

TheGirlWhoLovedTomGordon · 25/04/2017 12:31

4.5 years ago, my H had an affair with a close friend of mine, while I was pregnant. Posted here and had lots of help and advice. Don't know how to link to old thread.
We tried hard and things have been ok ish ever since. 7th of April this year I went to bed early, he stayed up drinking and watching a movie. Woke up at 3am and he wasnt in bed. He'd fallen asleep on sofa, phone in hand. I looked at his phone and he was sending sex texts to a woman. Someone I know but haven't seen for years, didn't think he had either. Anyway I tore a strip off him and asked him to leave. For the last three weeks he's been begging and pleading and I have kind of given in. He says he loves me, it's a mistake, we haven't had enough sex etc. I have been right off sex for the last year or so, but have been making an effort I thought. Anyway, today I was doing some banking and paperwork. Saw a transaction on bank statement for a PAYG phone top up. Everyone in our house uses contracts. Long story short - by calling phone company and our bank, I found out he had topped this woman's phone up that night. She must have cut short the dirty talk because but her credit ran low, then he topped it up for her, to keep it going. I'm disgusted and heartbroken. We have major finiacial issue, lots of debts and often scrape by on a few pennies. Today I am walking the kids home from school, as I don't even have bus fare. But he's basically paying for cheap thrills. I've text him to say don't come home and I hate you. He is begging and pleading and saying he was pissed and doesn't remember it. I am just numb. I don't deserve his constant disrespect. He has NO money to go anywhere else - hotel, B and B, rent a place. I am in the same boat. We have 3 primary age DC. He will come home because he has nowhere else to go. ILs live 300 miles away. My beautiful DS1 starts his SATS in a week and a half. He keeps calling and texting. It's my day off to spend with our youngest, and he's just ruining it... I'm trying to hold it together for DS2 and play and have cuddles.

OP posts:
Teddy6767 · 25/04/2017 12:42

You can't be together. He has shown a serious lack of respect for your feelings and sounds like a selfish creep. Once a cheat, always a cheat if the temptation is there.

As he'll be homeless if you kick him out, could he maybe sleep on the sofa for a couple of months if you were to ask him to stay out of your way as much as possible? Or would that just be hell on earth for you? He could use that time to be saving up for a deposit on a little bedsit or something. Would you be able to afford your current place by yourself? Is there literally nowhere he can go like a friend's sofa?

Terrible behaviour that he topped up the woman's phone when the rest of his family are having to walk home because they can't even afford a bus fare. He sounds absolutely awful!

Hope you're ok!

Adora10 · 25/04/2017 12:48

He is disgusting, vile, the worst partner you could imagine, stop giving him chance after chance; that's why he is still taking the piss OP because he can as you are constantly letting him away with it, I'm afraid he has zero respect for you, zero respect for women and is in fact an embarrassment and liability.

You either carry on in this joke of a relationship or you decide once and for all you've had enough and go it alone, it's doable, in fact anything is better than living your life, wake up, he won't change, no matter how many tears he shows you.

TheGirlWhoLovedTomGordon · 25/04/2017 12:54

He's vile. You're both right. He spends close to £300 a month on beer. It's part of our problem. I work 33 hours a week in the NHS and with HB and CTax support, with tax credits to help with my childcare, I could live here comfortably-ish. I'd of course pay my half of the remaining debts. I don't know if he can crash with a mate. I have now blocked him from my calls, texts, blocked his work number, what's app and messenger. He's still calling, I guess from a colleagues phone. He's just begging. I've told him I'm throwing his stuff out and to not come back. I just feel so hurt. I've never been enough for him.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 25/04/2017 12:57

He brings nothing good to the table.

Get rid. Who cares if he has no where to go. Low lives like him always find a soft landing. Currently you are in that role and that is why he is so keen to hang on.

Adora10 · 25/04/2017 12:59

It wouldn't matter if you were hanging from the chandeliers having wild sex every night, I'm afraid some men, him, will see an opportunity and take it; they have no respect for fidelity and the vows made in marriage or even just being 100% faithful; he doesn't care as long as he gets his cheap thrills; you know you can do so much better OP; you'd be mad to give into is tears; this is perhaps a blessing in disguise, get rid of the disgusting git and start a fresh, meet a man that can keep it in his pants and only has eyes and urges for you alone; he will never make you happy.

alwaysthepessimist · 25/04/2017 13:00

If you can manage without him then do just that. Stick to your guns, he is being very selfish, he has done it before, done it again now and will do it again, you know it but it is very, very hard to accept. If you don't let him back he will find somewhere to sleep, someone will give him a bed for a few nights, maybe if he didn't drink so much he could afford a cheap travelodge eh???

Good Luck OP

BTW - The book your name is based on - one of my favourite books ever - never had a wee behind a bush since I read it!!

Teddy6767 · 25/04/2017 13:01

£300 on beer when you're all struggling financially?! WTF! Definitely get rid of him asap.
Don't let him try and manipulate you either. He'll probably cry and beg for weeks on end, offering you all sorts of promises that he'll change. And maybe he will change.... but as soon as you get comfortable together again he'll be straight back to sexting or cheating behind your back. Some men just love the thrill of doing something they shouldn't be doing. Sounds like he's one of those insufferable pricks!

He'll have to make alternative arrangements as to where he stays from now on as it sounds like he'll just make your life a living hell if you let him stay at yours any longer. Is his name on the lease? If not then I'd think strongly about having the locks changed. And also don't be frightened to phone the police if he starts harassing you.

Vanillamanilla1 · 25/04/2017 13:02

Perhaps he can go stay with his fancy peice
Don't let him worm his way back in , you'll be giving him free reign to do it AGAIN

Gazelda · 25/04/2017 13:03

You know that you will never ever be able to trust him. So the relationship is over.
Where he stays is his problem.
Do you have friends and/or family locally to support you emotionally?

C4Envelope · 25/04/2017 13:04

Stay strong. Every time your mind thinks about the situation remind yourself to stay strong. You cant back down now. Not after telling him thats it. All the best Flowers and you certainly are doing the best for your family - he sounds a disgrace.

TheGirlWhoLovedTomGordon · 25/04/2017 13:10

I do have family and friends. Lovely ones. But it's so embarrassing, being the one with the cheating husband AGAIN. None of my friends are separated and are all very happy. My parents don't have room for us to go and stay there. They're very local but only have a smallish spare room.
His fancy piece has a partner so he can't stay there. I feel like messaging her with some choice words, but was advised on here last time, by more fab posters, including you AF, actually, not to contact her. She's foul as well. I dunno what I'm going to do. Benefits and stuff take ages. Both names on the lease of our home. If he comes off the lease they have to do a credit check on me to see if I can live there alone. My credit rating is very very bad. Mum is a guarantor. What a mess :(

OP posts:
Adora10 · 25/04/2017 13:17

Surely he would be willing to piss off under the circumstances, I mean, this is a man that is truly sorry and wants to make it up to you right (I am joking yes).....he has to go OP, otherwise you are just setting yourself up for more piss taking.

Get him off the lease and claim housing benefit for yourself; it's either that or you carry on living with a man that is wanking downstairs to god knows who while you are upstairs playing happy wife, I mean, really, what more can he do to you to make you see sense.

And as for all your friends being really happy, don't believe what you see on FB or what you are told; in real life, nobody knows what's going on with any couple.

You need to make people aware of what he is OP, otherwise you will just end up covering for him - again!

PollytheDolly · 25/04/2017 13:17

Well if he's got nowhere to go, that's his problem. Don't let him back in. It's not like he was unaware of the consequences but took the piss thinking he wouldn't get caught. What a loser!

And he has lost...a good woman. You stay strong. There's a wonderful life out there for you x

PollytheDolly · 25/04/2017 13:20

And don't be embarrassed. That's his job for being such a twat.

You have lovely family and friends, surround yourself with them and their love. Don't contact OW either. You're better than that. Flowers

yetmorecrap · 25/04/2017 13:21

You sound like a lovely and intelligent lady who somehow has ended up with a bit of a low life. You can do so, so much better . Paying to top up someone else when you have to walk! Disgusting behaviour. Ive had close to this because at periods when short of cash flow (business) my DH would never ever get rid of anything and he has quite a lot of valuable things. He said he had to do that when younger and never wants to again. Im never going there again, if it gets that shit, Im just taking stuff and selling it rather than really struggle on. Itw as all bought on joint worked for money. You stand your ground, the old expression he has made his bed stands here.

NeonGod73 · 25/04/2017 13:32

Kick him out and don't feel sorry for him. £300 on beer in a month? Cheating? Sexting? God knows what else...?
If I were you I couldn't care less if he slept in the gutter with rats for company. Let his women take him in. Never let him back in your life.

Florida28 · 25/04/2017 13:41

can't he present himself at the local housing office as homeless? In fact why even care. He clearly doesn't care about you! Sad

TheGirlWhoLovedTomGordon · 25/04/2017 13:44

I don't care where he goes. I just don't want him back here, but he has nowhere else to go, and his name is on the lease.

OP posts:
TheGirlWhoLovedTomGordon · 25/04/2017 13:45

Oops posted to soon. I can't kick him out, not legally. He will know this. I'm dreading 6pm :(

OP posts:
ColdTattyWaitingForSummer · 25/04/2017 13:51

If you ask him to leave he is classed as homeless and as such entitled to emergency accommodation. (As you would be if you decided it was preferable for you and the kids to leave - that's what I did). So please don't let him use that excuse to get round you. Also read up on financial abuse.. Spending that much money on beer while you and the kids have to walk sounds pretty close to me.
Stay strong op. x

Adora10 · 25/04/2017 13:57

Go speak to your housing officer, tell them you can't have him in the house as he's been carrying on with other women; they can advise you on what options you may have, you need to do something.

When he gets home tell him the relationship is over and what he intends to do with regards to where he lives.

AnyFucker · 25/04/2017 14:15

Yes, she is foul but he is the one cheating on you.

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beachcomber243 · 25/04/2017 15:02

Tell him he is officially homeless and needs to find accommodation from tonight onwards. Not for you to worry about it. He has massively betrayed you all and there is no way back...from this day onwards.

Stay strong, please don't be sucked in by his pitiful pleading. He knew what he was doing. I have been so broke within a marriage due to my ex and it is truly disgusting to take from family funds and cause worry to the extent he does...apart from the smutty sexting. What a loser.

Florida28 · 25/04/2017 15:59

Stay strong Flowers if he has a decent bone in his body he'll leave and present himself at housing as a temp measure. I hope it all works out for you Flowers

Gallavich · 25/04/2017 16:13

£300 a month on alcohol?!
Ok so you have to file for divorce if he won't leave quietly.
BTW I claimed housing benefit as a lone parent for years with XH's name on the tenancy. I just told HB that I couldn't take his name off since I wouldn't pass checks on my own and they understood. Thankfully it was a rolling contract so I didn't have to renew!

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