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4 weeks no sex a dealbraker?

(239 Posts)
UmizoomiBananaRamama Tue 25-Apr-17 09:39:29

I was going to post in 'Sex' but thought I'd get a bit more support over here in 'Relationships'.

Since the birth of my DS 2 years ago, I've suffered with depression and anxiety. I've been on anti depressants for about 8 months and they're really really helping me. Only problem is my sex drive is pretty much non-existent.
I'm just not in the mood. I feel like I could happily go the next couple of years without it.
But my DH on the other hand... we used to dtd about 4 times a week, and now it's maybe once every month.
Anyway last night he asked me for sex (like he does 3 times a day) and I said sorry I'm not in the mood, how about tomorrow night? (I'm just going to have to grin and bear it)
And he started saying that 4 weeks is such and long time and that he can't keep going like this.

I said that we have other marital issues that are more important for us to sort out first, mainly his lack of respect for me or our home, and that that's probably a contributing factor as to why I'm not in the mood.

But he said the lack of sex is the only issue that matters.

I'm at a bit of a crossroads. Sorry for the long posy I just don't know what to do.

StewieGMum Tue 25-Apr-17 09:43:16

He doesn't respect you and thinks 4 weeks without sex is 'too much' despite your PND?

It's no wonder you don't fancy having sex with him. He sounds like a tool. If he respected you, I doubt very much your libido would have dropped like this.

ElisavetaFartsonira Tue 25-Apr-17 09:44:43

You appear to have several issues, the lack of sex being only one of them.

LonnyVonnyWilsonFrickett Tue 25-Apr-17 09:45:23

He's allowed to wish that your sex life had returned to what was normal before the birth of your DS, of course he is. It sounds like you do too.

What he's not allowed to do is become a bitching moaning sex pest who doesn't see that lack of sex is a symptom of your wider relationship issues and your PND.

He's a tit.

UmizoomiBananaRamama Tue 25-Apr-17 09:45:45

The lack of sex is the only issue that he cares about.

treaclesoda Tue 25-Apr-17 09:47:06

What happened to 'in sickness and in health'? Would he be pestering you for sex if you had a broken leg, or were having chemo, or any number of other physical illnesses? Or does he think that PND isn't a real illness, as it only affects women? His lack of respect for you is worrying, to say the least.

ElisavetaFartsonira Tue 25-Apr-17 09:48:27

He should care about all the things that have led you to this point.

UmizoomiBananaRamama Tue 25-Apr-17 09:49:25

I actually had a cervical cancer scare about a year back, but he was still pestering me for sex while I was awaiting my results.

Could he be addicted to sex? I hear him most nights get up to 'go to the bathroom' with his phone.

C0RA Tue 25-Apr-17 09:50:51

Well it sounds like you want different things out of a relationship.

He wants sex more often.

You want him to respect you and your home.

He doesn't care about your issues. You have tried to compromise on his ( you grin and bare it to have sex once a month ) .

It's not working is it?

I'd be depressed and anxious living like that.

Obsidian77 Tue 25-Apr-17 09:51:40

You poor thing. He sounds completely selfish. I think it's much more common than people realise to have to dial back your sex life after DCs even if you don't have serious health issues.
Imo 4 weeks might be a while for a young fit childless couple but it's not long at all for people with young DCs.
Also, one of the known side effects of anti-depressants is that they can squash your libido. Doesn't he know this?
His pestering makes him sound utterly unappealing.

UmizoomiBananaRamama Tue 25-Apr-17 09:57:56

He knows all about the anti depressants and their side effects.
I stopped taking them at one point so that my libido would come back but it made me spiral back into depression (shock).

I just don't know why he thinks 3/4 weeks is such a long time and as he said to me last night, a bit of a dealbraker.

thethoughtfox Tue 25-Apr-17 10:02:15

He is a dick and being completely unreasonable. You don't have to grin and bear it. You are entitled to have your feelings respected and given extra love, support, and space when you need it. He is threatening you by calling it a 'deal breaker'

treaclesoda Tue 25-Apr-17 10:02:58

So he would rather you lived with depression than that he should have to make do with less sex? It's all about him, isn't it? angry

C0RA Tue 25-Apr-17 10:02:58

He stopped you taking the medication tht a doctor prescribed for you so you could have sex with him ? This is medication that could potentially save your life - people die from depression all the time .

Are you serious ? What would you tell you best friend if she told you that ?

Guiltypleasures001 Tue 25-Apr-17 10:05:44

Hi op

This isn't about sex, your not wanting to be intimate with him is in response to how he treats you, also your depression.

Why would you let someone who you currently don't like and treats you badly, inside your body? It's a very intimate act that involves trust and respect.

You have depression, health conditions and lack of libido towards him, it's not hard to understand why when your relationship is in dire straights. The fact he doesn't acknowledge anything else other than his own needs, says it all. 💐

UmizoomiBananaRamama Tue 25-Apr-17 10:06:16

He didn't stop me from taking it, but I suggested it and he agreed.
He's never known anyone with depression - I'm the first. And I've tried ro explain how bad it can get and that how I've thought about suicide many, many times.
But it doesn't really seem to sink in with him. He just thinks I need to think more positively about things.

He says he needs sex to feel love. He accuses me of getting it elsewhere sometimes too.

Is that true though? Do men need to be intimate to know that they're loved??

Smartiepants79 Tue 25-Apr-17 10:07:47

This does not make him sound good.
You have many, many very good reasons why you have a low interest in sex. He is choosing to ignore all of them. He wants what he wants and seems to have no interest in what YOU want. Four weeks is nothing. When I had my children it was months before I was ineterested again. Prenancy and a birth injury meant that it was maybe the best part of a year before we had sex again. This is very normal and very common. Your low libido is not unusual - whatever your partner tries to tell you.
His behaviour is also deeply unsexy and unlikely to make you want to change your mind.
He does not sound like he is a good partner to you.
Just out of interest is he happy with intimacy other than actual sex, would this fill the need he seems to think exists?

Zaphodsotherhead Tue 25-Apr-17 10:10:32

His 'accusing you of getting it elsewhere' and his whole 'give me sex or we're done' attitude... HE wouldn't be 'getting it elsewhere' yet any chance? And blaming your loss of libido for his 'having to' stray?

WizardOfToss Tue 25-Apr-17 10:12:20

I'm sorry, OP, he sounds awful. You'll get loads of good advice and support here.

I think I'd be inclined to say something along the lines of 'deal breaker? Ok, off you go then'.

And no, whilst sex is a need and an important part of life for many people, men don't have to have it to feel loved. That's bollocks - he's saying that to make you feel bad, and to cast him in a somewhat better light than a sex pest who cares nothing for his wife.

AyeAmarok Tue 25-Apr-17 10:14:25

Do men need to be intimate to know that they're loved??


But it's something that manipulative men who want to coerce their partners into having sex they don't want say all the time.

Would you enjoy sex with someone whom you knew didn't want to be having it? It's not exactly enthusiastic consent, is it.

UmizoomiBananaRamama Tue 25-Apr-17 10:17:57

I've just heard that for so long I don't know what's normal or healthy I guess.

He says the lack of sex and intimacy is really braking him down and he doesn't feel like himself anymore. He says he feels like I don't love him when I constantly say no.

I get where he's coming from, but at the same time when I hear you guys say 'you should be allowed time to heal, or everyone gors through dry spells, or 4 weeks isn't a long time' I'm like.. huh?? Really??

It's comforting to know that a lot of people go much longer without sex.

I really do think he may be addicted.

C0RA Tue 25-Apr-17 10:22:43

My dear OP, the best decision you have made today is deciding to post in relationships rather than sex. Because you are absolutely right,you don't have a sex problem you have a marriage problem.

And you will get lots of support here to work out what's wrong and what you want to do about it.

Mummyoflittledragon Tue 25-Apr-17 10:24:49

Being coerced into sex is teetering very close to rape. It depends on what is said as to whether it is or not.

UmizoomiBananaRamama Tue 25-Apr-17 10:27:38

But how do I deal with my marriage problems if he won't address them until our sex life is back on track? It's a vicious cycle.

Thephoneywar Tue 25-Apr-17 10:29:33

I am going to go against the crowd here and say I agree with your DH. I don't agree with his approach but I think he has a right to have red lines in his relationship. Sex is important to people. Sex is important to me. I would not be OK with my DH withdrawing sex and then expecting me to not mention it.

If I didn't see improvement or an attempt to make things better I would leave.

Are you taking any steps to improve your libido?

If you don't I wouldn't be surprised that he chooses to leave the relationship. I would.

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