Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.


(52 Posts)
siillygoose Tue 25-Apr-17 07:16:50

I have namechanged for this as I feel super silly.

I have a crush on a guy from my office. We sit very close and I spend the day looking at him from over my screen (he is not facing me, but I am embarrased to admit I do it *a lot*) although we have not even talked yet.

He has been sitting there for maybe 2 months (didnt meet him before that, but in the company for about 6 months). I see that he is slowly talking to people and trying to make friends.

Me, separated for almost 2 years (XH left me for OW) and only recently started looking at men in a romantic/sexual way again. I have two kids under 4 years and do 90% of daycare pickups so I dont get to hang out after work.

I really like him and if I was my old me, I would go for it. But I find so many obstacles now.

First of all I dont want to embarras myself. We also work together so I dont want any sense of awkwardness...

He doesn't have a ring. I have stalked his social media but hardly anything there. So the first thing is I dont know if he is available.

Second thing, I don't know his age. Linkedin says he started his studies in 2011. That could mean he is barely 25 (I am 34) ot he could have had a gap between high school and current studies...

And obviously there is the... would he like me? But of course, the other two points need to be resolved first.

I have thought of asking him about his project but I can't just go to his desk and start chatting (open space). I have also thought writing to him through our company chat asking about the project he is working on but it seems kind of ridiculous to write when we sit so close.

And lastly I have thought about the line "hey, we sit so close and we have never talked. I am siilygoose..."

Please help me wise MN!

PetalMettle Tue 25-Apr-17 07:21:01

I would leave it as a fun crush. Relationships at work are complicated and if he is only 25 he may well not be looking for anything serious.

berkshyre Tue 25-Apr-17 07:31:22

Leave it. Keep admiring him from afar and if it comes up naturally to start chatting in the break room or whatever, then go from their.

I agree workplace crushes/romances are too much trouble unless there's a serious connection, and if there is then it'll come out eventually without you having to put in special effort.

siillygoose Tue 25-Apr-17 07:36:39

Well, I am not going to jump to his jugular straight away but I would like some advice on how to break the ice and get to know him. Maybe he is not interested in me at all, sure, most men are not. But I should try to meet more people, not only for the sake of dating, right? I only have 3 friends, no family in this country. And no time to network, so the workplace seems like my only scape from a terrible 2 and a f*cking 4 children. My mental health needs some adult dialogs as well and I am afraid I dont know how to do that anymore. I sing the wheels on the bus even when I am alone ffs sad

I would never make a move anyway. I am very shy and an introvert. Most I would look ag him too much to indicate I like him lol. In my industry the turnover is very high, so we will probably be in different places in a year or two. So if there was a relationship gone bad, we don"t need to see each other forever either. My concern is to be seen as a creepy desperate single mom hovering over a 25 years old. Need to find out his age and that one is ... hard? Unless I ask him directly out of the blue... not creepy.

TheNaze73 Tue 25-Apr-17 07:41:33

I think you're going to need to take the initiative & start a conversation. The days of guys having to make all the running are long gone, in the Tinder age.
My real advice though would be don't get screw the payroll. When work relationships go tits up, the fall out for everyone isn't nice

Changedname3456 Tue 25-Apr-17 08:00:09

Do you have shared kitchen facilities? Could you not stalk follow him to the kitchen to strike up a conv whilst making a drink?

Getting the age is difficult but you could start asking him where he went to Uni and then ask whether he went straight from school (if you can make that flow within the conversation). Most people like to talk about themselves, so just showing some interest would be enough to get him chatting I'd have thought. Particularly if you've seen him attempting to make friends in the wider team already.

Chelsea26 Tue 25-Apr-17 15:01:16

I think your line "hey we sit close and have never talked, I'm silly goose" sounds absolutely fine. I don't know where you work but I'm amazed you haven't said it before even if you didn't fancy him. Just in a greeting first thing in the morning type exchange...

I wouldn't directly follow it up with "how old are you? Are you single?" But you know that!

Introduce yourself, get talking and see what happens...

siillygoose Tue 25-Apr-17 16:59:12

These are very good ideas Changedname3456. We do have a kitchen but he only spends 2 seconds to grab a coke from the fridge. He doesn't drink coffee or tea that takes some tine to prepare, and he eats lunch at his desk, while working.

Chelsea26 we are in IT, so heads on our computers and most of us have earphones. Everything is silent as we need to focus, not very chatty in engineering area.

We are also in different teams. I used to work in the team he is on now and I have told my manager I am interested in moving back blush but that can't happen right away as they need me where I am right now. Teams have meetings together, team building events, etc.

He has also seen my DD (2) at the office so he may think I am not available.

For now, I try to look at him when he looks my way smile but I got so nervous when our eyes met yestersay that it is ridiculous. I am 34 not 15!!

siillygoose Tue 25-Apr-17 17:01:21

Oh, and I have noticed two changes in him:
- he now drives, so he can leave the office later (before he needed to leave in a rush to catch the train)
- he has changed the sweatshirts for shirts blush

siillygoose Tue 25-Apr-17 17:03:34

Actually three:

- he brings the lunch while before he went for pizza.

All these could just be that he wants to work more hours but it also keeps him more time at the office grin

namechangedforthis12 Tue 25-Apr-17 20:50:59

Go on Youtube and look up Matthew Hussey - he gives great tips on how to approach guys and stuff. I'm in a similar situation where I've separated from someone, have two young kids both 4 and am liking someone else. Those videos have really helped me break the ice with the guy i like, still just flirting but it's fun and even if it goes no where it's nice to have someone to make you smile and get you through the day smile but keep your options open (easier said than done though)

pudding21 Tue 25-Apr-17 21:40:21

Mathew Hussey rocks! I am literally in love with him ;)

siillygoose Wed 26-Apr-17 02:19:06

Had not heard of Matthew Hussey. I am checking the videos out and it seems like what I was looking for. Fellow mums, you are awesome, thanks!

PitilessYank Wed 26-Apr-17 02:57:47

Good luck, Goose!

GreenRut Wed 26-Apr-17 03:32:10

Send him an email 'by mistake', meant for someone else. Then follow it up with a swift 'sorry, that wasn't meant for you!'. If he bites and is chatty in response, that will break the ice.

Sample1936 Wed 26-Apr-17 05:04:00

Not a fan of mathew hussey im afraid but you may find him useful.

You could just talk to him! Your crush may fade as you learn more about him or it may lead to him asking you out. Just keep things friendly and as normal as possible.

namechangedforthis12 Wed 26-Apr-17 19:09:56

Keep us updated on how you go. I think Matthew Hussey is a bit of a repetitive guy and a bit cocky now...but the stuff he says is true.

PitilessYank Wed 26-Apr-17 22:19:46

I am a bit brash, so take this with a grain of salt, but I have always had good luck just going on up to people, sticking my hand out for a handshake, and saying "Hello, I am Pitiless, what's your name?" (Or something like that.)

P.S. I find that men love a firm handshake from a woman because many women give wimpy handshakes and a firm handshake stands out.

siillygoose Thu 27-Apr-17 00:33:32

Oh my gosh, he is a challenge, ladies.

We crossed paths in the office and I wanted to smile at him, but he looked down to the floor.

I stayed a bit late today (not usual, but DC are having dinner with
XH). He had his earphones on, so it felt akward to go there and interrupt. So I tried to do it subtly by sitting in the desk next to him and trying to make eye contact, but nothing (I brought ny laptop, not that he was been rude). Then, he got up to go somewhere and when he came back I just rushed to ask "what are you working on" before he left/put his earphones back. Although I was a bit abrupt he made conversation. Showed me some designs, told me about deadlines, etc. I asked a few questions but he didn't only reply. He said a few more things. Hr also asked me how I like what I am doing smile He then said "see you later" and left.

He is cuuuute grin. Tomorrow is my night sans-kids (one every two weeks) and I don't know if I should stay later again or leave it until Friday, when we have a company presentation and should be easier to talk to him again. Next, I will ask him next week about the tight deadlines he told me about smile

siillygoose Thu 27-Apr-17 00:41:30

PitilessYank hat would have been ideal 2 months ago, when he first moved to the desk. It was my initial thought but today it felt weird after all.

Not to drip feed, there was an interaction before. He had trouble with his wifi and posted a question in the company chat. I came to his table with a cable so he could connect to the wired network. I think he knows my name. I definitely know his blush. That time I had the impression he was shy ir me trying to talk was unexpected. I said something to him and he reacted like 2 seconds later. It could also be my accent (ESL) and he doesn't get me very well. We will see.

siillygoose Mon 15-May-17 20:47:55

It has not been easy talking to interact since he is always in his desk with earphones and only leaves to go to the bathroom. So... today I worked up the courage and I sent him a private message through the company chat asking about his proyect. He complained a little bit about timelines and it been hard, etc and I told him if he needed a break some time we could grab a coffee and that I would love to know more about the technology he is using (new thing in the company). Ufff so much just for that lol

His answer: "No time for breaks!"

So I guess that's it. It feels like a total rejection even rude, doesn't it?

Whatalready Mon 15-May-17 21:40:58

He sounds a conscientious type to me. He eats at his desk, stays late, just pops to the kitchen for a can. No time for breaks. Jeez! He's a tricky one.
It's not you. It's just that he is fixated on his project.
I think you are just going to have to impress him with your work first. It's going to have to be really something. Then he will seek you out and you will be right there on his radar. At the moment you could be Megan Fox naked on his desk and he'd push you off.
You have picked a tricky one.

MabelFurball Mon 15-May-17 21:56:13

He's just not that into you. I would forget about him.

siillygoose Mon 15-May-17 21:57:09

Well, a couple of weeks ago when he was leaving to grab his lunch another colleague (male) wanted to join him and he replied that he was going to buy a slice of pizza and back. So it was maybe the same kind of rejection to the other colleague. But if he was attracted surely he would have said "yes, some time" to the coffee?

As you whatalready said, he is tricky... hmmm I don't know if I mentioned before that he knows I have a daughter (I brought her to the office and she is in my screensaver). He probably also heard about my DS. So he may think two DC = I have a partner. Any way to hint I am single? I have only told 4 people in the office (we are 100+) and I don't think it is something people is going to gossip about... one of my colleagues laughed when I said "my DC's father" and I had to specify "well, he is my ex, so I find it the most appropriate way to call him". He didn't know I am divorced and was embarrased... although his cousin works in the same company and knows I am divorced... iykwim.

Whatalready Tue 16-May-17 07:00:19

Do you have any social events coming up with work? You will go out of your mind waiting for the Christmas party! Is there anything else?
What I think he shows is that you are now looking again. You have your confidence in men back again. That's fantastic, isn't it?! You fancy him because he is sat right in front of you. But if he keeps being Mr Employee Of The Year and avoiding everyone, you are ready to find another someone special. And you won't be looking long. You sound very nice!

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, watch threads, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now »

Already registered? Log in with: