Pregnant and husband hates me...

[MrsB12345]

I'm not really sure where to start?!

I've been married a year and am 12 weeks pregnant with our first. I'm guessing this should be a happy time in anyone's life? Sadly not for me. Dont get me wrong, I can't wait to be a mummy but my life with my husband is a rocky one. If you asked him, he would say it's my fault. 100% me. I apparently start arguments, I annoy him, I wind him up, he's told me recently he doesn't love me (although took that back the following day), I'm lazy (apparently you just need to get on with it in your first trimester), I need to get my hormones under control and "it's rubbish that you are effected by hormone changes when pregnant". The list is endless

Some history behind us. We met online a few years ago and I'd had two relationships where I'd been cheated on. We soon clicked and got on we'll and started a relationship. It was apparent that he didn't have any close friends but is someone they enjoys his own company which is fine with me. I am the opposite and have lots of friends in different circles.

My husband has always been highly strung. He gets caught up in the small stuff that he creates into big stuff. Arguments are generally started by him. I have around 20% of an input to arguments where he says the rest. I generally get told I have no point to what I'm saying and he continues with his very valid points ! I generally cry as I get so upset by his shouting and things he says and am the one who always apologises because it's never his fault. I've learnt not to voice how I feel as much as it's fuel to his angry fire and instead listen to him, say very little and apologise. On the occasions I call out his wrongdoing I get accused of deflecting blame and it's not him that's wrong. He never apologises. I think he is socially awkward through a lack of friends and this in turn means he doesn't know how to behave around people and I am everything to him. Wife, best friends, general friends. He doesn't believe in getting close to friends and thinks I am too dependent on my friends. He gets frustrated if I get a text and want to reply straight away and I have to ask if I can have anyone visit me at home.

An example tonight. It's 2.45 am and like most pregnant women I need a wee. I get up to use the ensuite but earlier in the night the shower was dripping after I used it so hubby got up, muttering to himself, and tightened the knob to stop the dripping. Unknowingly to me he left the shower screen open which was in the way of the loo. I went to wee, in the dark, so not to wake him and walked into the screen. I closed it but it made a loud noise which woke him up. I got shouted at for waking him up and doing it every night to him (a lie). When I said that it was because the screen was left open, by him, he said it was my fault for not turning the shower off. I apologised for the shower but I don't think I should apologise for him leaving the screen open and me not seeing it till I walked into it?

I don't want a divorce. I want to make it work but how can I talk to my husband when he won't let me it listen and not think I'm making excuses. I just want to explain how I feel?!

[NoncommittalToSparkleMotion]

I couldn't read this and run, though sadly I have no advice. All I can say is that it sounds like a very abusive and dysfunctional relationship. Just because he never cheated on you doesn't make it healthy.

I know you said you don't want a divorce. Do you think a trial separation would help? Give each other space, see how you feel apart?

I'm sorry.

[stolemyusername]

Run, before your baby is here and you feel even more stuck - that's the only sensible advice I can give you.

[Preggocinders]

MrsB, I could have written your post myself. Things will only get worse and you will end up alienated from the world and controlled in every aspect of your life. I went through nearly my entire pregnancy walking on eggshells to keep my husband happy (many, many more issues, I had a couple of threads on here, which helped me LTB.)
I left him 3 weeks before giving birth and it was the best decision I ever made.
You need to realise this is abuse.
This is NOT your fault.
He is flawed not you.
Trust me, being a single mum and getting divorced is a million times better than having to ask permission all the time, changing who you are as a person and not having any friends to turn to.
Please feel free to contact me privately. I have been where you are and know what you are going through.
Keep strong and as hard as it is, keep as calm as you can for the sake of your baby xx

[WildKiwi]

I can't just read this and run. You deserve so much better, really you do. His behaviour is absolutely unacceptable in any circumstances, but particularly while you're pregnant he should be looking after you. From your description he sounds utterly selfish.

You say you don't want a divorce, if that's the case I really think you both need to go to some sort of relationship counselling now. I know this is difficult to hear, but if he carries on like this it is going to be so much harder as your pregnancy continues and when your baby arrives. When the baby arrives both parents need to work together to put the baby's needs first. Is he actually capable of that?

Have you thought about staying with family or a friend for a few days to give yourself some space to think? It may also give him a bit of a shock if you tell him exactly why you need some space. If you think you can't speak to him about it because it'll turn into an argument where you can't get a word in, have you thought about writing it down in a letter? Doesn't all have to be negative. Maybe explain why you love him, but detail what's making the situation unbearable for him.

Once again, you deserve better

[innagazing]

It's him, it's not you.
Men like this don't usually change much, if at all, and it is often this sort of behaviour that escalates into physical violence as well as emotional abuse.
Only he can address his issues, but of course he won't, as he doesn't see them as his responsibility, and therein lies the crux of it. Only he can change himself, but he won't, as he can only blame you for his behaviour.
Can you honestly see the situation getting better? When your child arrives he will find many more reasons to criticise and control you, and to withhold support from you.
I'm curious about why you want to stay in this relationship with someone who treats you so badly? Can you see any glimmer of how (and why) things may get better for you?
If I were in your situation, I would run for the hills now. At the very least, I would suggest you insist on a trial separation, and get some marriage counselling together as a starting point to trying to negotiate a healthier, less controlling relationship. At least this would give you some support, and may send him a clear message that these are his issues, and that you will not tolerate his current behaviour or take the blame for his unhappiness. Alternatively, get some counselling support just for yourself, for support and looking at your future.
Could you take some time out now, and go and stay with a friend for a week or two, to think about your situation?
Whatever you do, keep in touch with your friends and do not let your husband dictate who you see, or how often. Do not allow yourself to become isolated, which is clearly what he is already trying to do. I suspect he was already been quite successful in doing this already? Bear in mind, that having a child will make it more easy for him to control and manipulate and isolate you.

[innagazing]

I just want to say that I wrote my post slowly and without seeing WIldKiwis post, but we both seem to be saying remarkably similar things! Apart from mine is more long winded...

[PoorYorick]

Men like this don't improve with age and the added responsibilities of fatherhood. Do you want your next 50 years to be even worse than now?

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

Its not you, its him. His actions are abusive in nature and stem from wanting power and control over you.

What do you get out of this relationship now?.

I was also wondering why you want to make this at all work; simply for your as yet unborn child?. Staying with him for the sake of the child will be a decision that will further backfire on you and in turn your child massively. Your child is going to see you cop all of this abuse from him as well. Your H knows how you feel and is not bothered at all about you; he does not see you as an equal within the marriage. Men like this really do hate women, all of them.

Joint counselling with him is really a non starter (such men will talk at and or over the counsellor even if he did attend), if counselling is considered by you then go on you own. You need to talk in a calm and safe environment.

This man accepts no responsibility for his actions and blames you instead for all arguments (arguments that he himself engineers). There is a reason that people like your H have no friends, they do not need or actually want them. What exactly do you know about him in terms of his family background; what sort of childhood did he have?. Look also at his past relationship history. That also provide clues.

Womens Aid are also worth contacting as well on 0808 2000 247.

[squishee]

This abuse will not get better with a new baby. Please take steps to get out first.

[Shoxfordian]

He should be much more supportive; you're carrying his child! If you do feel able to then I think he's not a good partner and you should see if and how you can leave

[LellyMcKelly]

He is abusive and controlling. He'll be a nightmare when the baby arrives and is competing for your attention. I'm not convinced he does love you. If he did he would care about your feelings.

[HopelesslydevotedtoGu]

Sadly he is treating you badly and it sounds like emotional abuse.
This often starts or gets worse during pregnancy. Don't feel bad that you didn't expect this. Men can be really charming early on, then start behaving cruelly when the woman is committed.

You have more options now, before baby is born. Right now you can move anywhere in the UK, even overseas, he can't stop you. After baby is born he can make it more difficult for you to move. Do you have any supportive friends or family?
Move out now, build your own lives. Easier to take him back later rather than stay now and try to leave after baby is born iyswim, so I would leave now even if you have doubts.

[PollytheDolly]

Have you anywhere to go? Do you own the house?

You need to get away from this nasty piece of work as soon as possible.

[Chottie]

What a nasty man. He seems to delight in upsetting you. Hand on heart, do you think life will change when you have a baby?

[OhWhatFuckeryIsThisNow]

Do not go to joint counselling with an abusive partner (which is what you have) Like Attilla said he will hijack the whole thing.
Me? Id be gathering documents and making an exit plan before any sense of self worth and respect is trampled underfoot.

[MrsB12345]

Morning ladies. Wow - I'm overwhelmed by all the support and really appreciate what you are all saying. It's all true and the same words would come out of my mouth if a friend said the same to me as I have written down.

We own our house and have a good amount of equity. When my husband wants to be nice and loving he is amazing. We have a fabulous time. He just has another side to him.

I have said about counselling and he initially agreed and then said no. I've also asked him to put himself in our child's mind (once born) and ask him what he thinks the child will think of him when he sees daddy shouting at mummy and mummy crying. I won't allow this to happen and will remove myself from the situation if it gets to this as I think that's a poisonous upbringing for a child.

In terms of his childhood I know relatively little. I have a feeling something happened in his later school years after a comment I read in his school report (his mum dug them out of the attic) but it was vague and he doesn't remember what it was about

Thanks for all of your advice. It's really appreciated and I will give it all a lot of thought xx

[Bananamanfan]

As pps said your dh is abusive. You will find life easier without him. You can't make it work, you have no power in this relationship.

[happystory]

Normal healthy relationships are not like this. Please take the advice given here.

[AndNoneForGretchenWieners]

I have lived with a man like this (although he was physically violent as well as financially and sexually abusive). It didn't start off that way though, it started by slowly isolating me from friends and family. I couldn't have anyone round to visit, couldn't call my parents, couldn't go out with friends because he felt he should be enough. It developed from there into a horrific relationship where I was beaten almost every day. You are already afraid of upsetting him because you watch what you say and apologise for things you shouldn't need to.

Get out now. While he is still just mentally cruel. Don't stay to experience physical abuse too with a tiny baby.

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

"When my husband wants to be nice and loving he is amazing. We have a fabulous time. He just has another side to him" .

Abusive people are not nasty all the time and they can do "nice" for a while. Its an act that they cannot maintain and the nice/nasty cycle is a continuous one. You are already crying because of his actions towards you; why wait for the child to see all this from their dad towards you as their mum as well?.

The house is no reason to stay either; it is already not a happy home for you.

What is he like with other people, I bet you he does not shout at them or his work colleagues.

[ptumbi]

I don't want a divorce. I want to make it work but how can I talk to my husband when he won't let me it listen and not think I'm making excuses. I just want to explain how I feel?! you can't he has no interest in changing - why would he? He has you where he wants you; he is the top-day and you are the little woman who exists to cater to him.

You are not an equal partner in this marriage, and never will be. Especially ify our child turns out to be a boy. He will be trained up to treat women in the same way.

How can you get him to listen to you? Leave him. Do not give him the chance to ruin your self esteem, your motherhood, your self.

Leave him. He will never get better - he doesn't want to.

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

I just knew he would refuse to go to counselling as well. Such men really do think they are entitled to act as they do.

You cannot change him but you can certainly change how you now react to him.

[PollytheDolly]

You're not going to leave (yet) are you?

All I can suggest then is he MUST get counselling, on his own, for any, slight chance of change if you're thinking of staying. He agreed then backed out because he could. Make it clear you will leave unless he gets help, and mean it OP.

[PollytheDolly]

Oh and the nice/nasty cycle is a winner....to erode your confidence, self esteem and so you start questioning your own mind. Focus on the nasty, that's what you've got.

[Penfold007]

MrsB sadly you have married an abusive and controlling man. Now you are pregnant his behaviour will get worse. You have a responsibility towards your unborn child. He won't change but he will get worse.