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My relationship is a mess

(22 Posts)
Brokenandconfused Mon 24-Apr-17 23:29:07

I desperately need some advice and feel like I've got nowhere to turn.

My relationship with my husband is awful. His family have been horrible to me for most of our relationship.

We recently had an argument and since then my husband has hardly spoke to me.

His mother is vile. A complete narcissist. He cannot see this. She is out of order and was shouting at me a few weeks ago while I sat and cried. My husband sat there during this and wouldn't leave when I asked him to. I didn't want to argue and wanted to go home but he wouldn't leave until we had "sorted things out".

Now 3 weeks have passed and he has not came near me once in these 3 weeks. He will happily play nice and pretend everything is fine but if I try and talk to him about things he just gets angry. Blames me for the problems. Thinks I'm the one causing all the issues because I answer his mother back instead of letting her walk all over me like she does with him.

We are both suffering with depression. I am on anti depressants for mine. He is in denial about his.

I am at my wits end with our relationship. Every evening we sit in the same room and he ignores me. It's sold detroying. I feel like he is being petty and stupid punishing me for upsetting his mother. It feels like she is more important than me.

We have been together 10 years and I have a long history with his mother over stepping the mark and being horrible to me.

We have two kids together. When he tries he's a wonderful dad. But when he doesn't he is shit. Wants to sit with his head in the sand. Snaps at everyone for no reason.

Someone please help. I don't know what to do. I can't continue like this anymore. I live very far from all my family in the part of the country his family live. I have no one to support me. I'm terrified of being alone but cannot keep living like this. Help.

Trying2bgd Mon 24-Apr-17 23:38:47

flowers

I am very sorry about your situation Broke and hope someone will come along and give you some advice. I don't think this relationship is good for you or your children. Can you go for a visit to see your family and take the children? This will give you some head space and support to think about your next step and what you want to do.

scallopsrgreat Mon 24-Apr-17 23:59:02

We have been together 10 years and I have a long history with his mother over stepping the mark and being horrible to me. It seems like you've had a long history of him being horrible to you too.

Your MIL wouldn't be do much of an issue if he supported you.

Stonewalling (which is what he is doing) and ignoring you is controlling, abusive behaviour. The fact he wouldn't let you leave a situation where you were very upset and uncomfortable is also controlling.

What are you getting out of this relationship? How long can you continue in this way? Another year? Decade? Rest of your life.

Because he won't change. He's been far too well trained by his parents.

noego Tue 25-Apr-17 09:06:22

You need to get you and your kids out of this relationship and pronto. Speak to Women's Aid.

LesisMiserable Tue 25-Apr-17 09:13:33

You and his family are never going to gel and neither you nor them will ever come to terms with that. You have to leave or put up and shut up.

browndoobie Tue 25-Apr-17 09:27:47

You sacrificed too much for too little. Get better help for your depression, leave this tosser (and his tosser mother) and go back with DC to nearer your family. Not being in a relationship will not kill you.

hellsbellsmelons Tue 25-Apr-17 09:44:03

Are your family supportive?
I wonder about your upbringing for you to be putting up with this.
He is abusing you and so is his mother.
Can you go back to your family no matter how far away they are?
Can you get to them?
Would they come and get you.
Get away - far and fast and don't tell him until you are out.

Get all important documents together.
Passports, marriage cert, birth certs, wage slips, pension info. mortgage info, account info, savings, assets, cars etc....
Anything you can think of.

Please get away. Your mental health may improve once you get away from this toxic environment.

Brokenandconfused Tue 25-Apr-17 10:10:24

I have no contact with my family. They are not worth the hassle. It's my choice not to have contact with them for self preservation...

Can't believe how many people are saying what I already know. And that's without knowing the awful lengths his mother has gone to to split us up.

I feel so sad for our kids. We're supposed to be going to marriage counselling on Friday. Is it too late for that?!

Can't help but feel like the mil has won if we break up sad I don't even know where I'd go. I don't want anything to do with my family. They suck the life out of you.

I'm also disabled which doesn't help. What a mess sad

LesisMiserable Tue 25-Apr-17 10:15:36

We dont need details, your mil could be a saint it doesnt matter, you're clearly not happy and it isnt going to change. There's lots of support for you, seek it out. Its only your own time youre wasting now x

Florida28 Tue 25-Apr-17 10:16:48

So sorry you're going through this Broken, I don't have much advice on how to deal with you MIL, I'm sorry. But I do believe you and your DC will be happier and better off starting afresh. Counselling might help you & your husband but that won't change MIL or her attitude hmm. Is it possible for you to contact Women's Aid or Social Work? Does you receive any support from agencies for your disability? They might be in a position to refer you on for additional support / help with this.

Paperdoll16 Tue 25-Apr-17 10:16:54

Can you elaborate on what the MIL's problem is with you? Why did your DH sit there and not contribute or even stop her from shouting at you? hmm

I think counselling is worth going to. It's a safe haven for you to both talk and hopefully he'll take on board what the counsellor has to say, being impartial and all that.

Otherwise I think it's going to be the end of the road. He hasn't wanted to speak to you in three weeks? That's some serious issue that needs addressing.

LesisMiserable Tue 25-Apr-17 10:18:15

Your husband sounds similarly as if hes stuck. He isn't.

Brokenandconfused Tue 25-Apr-17 10:36:20

He didn't stop her because he's used to it. Thus is how she treats people. And everyone puts up with it. He gets angry because I won't let her and I call her out on her terrible behaviour.

He thinks I should just suck it up for his benefit. Apparently plenty of people hate their inlaws but can be civil. Yes I've been civil and all she's done is take advantage time and time again. I can't let her do this to me anymore.

My niece used to live with us. My mil fought against us to have her go live there. She's not even related to her as she's my niece through my family. We were supposed to be adopting her till mil came along and told ss I can't cope and was treating her differently to my other children. So they moved her to there. This sounds bonkers I know but it's the truth.

My mil was shouting they are adopting her and I've got to accept I'm not her mother. Nice hey.

My niece lived with us for 2 years since a baby and calls me mummy....

It's been heartbreaking to say the least.

hellsbellsmelons Tue 25-Apr-17 10:38:35

Well it sounds to me like your DH is abusive.
You never EVER have counselling with an abuser.
Can you go the appointment on Friday alone?
That would be a good start.
Sounds like you are a bit stuck at the moment.
But you can get out you just need a plan.
See if Shelter or Womens Aid can help you at all with any of this.
You need an exit plan.
The DM will NOT have won.
You will have, by getting both of these abusers out of your life and away from your DC!!!

Brokenandconfused Tue 25-Apr-17 10:38:36

His answer to sorting problems is to pretend they don't exist. We've been living like friends for months. He doesn't seem to understand treating me like this is hurtful and I don't want to put up with it any more.

I texted him asking to look for somewhere else to live and his reply was why. No doubt he'll come home and pretend everything's OK again. But everything isn't ok. And I'm sick of beING second best to her.

MorrisZapp Tue 25-Apr-17 10:44:46

Hang on, what? Your small neice who calls you mummy was taken from you by social services and given to someone who doesn't know her, because that person told them to? And your husband thinks this is ok?

There's massively more to this than meets the eye, surely.

LesisMiserable Tue 25-Apr-17 10:54:40

So dont put up with it, OP. Move on.

Brokenandconfused Tue 25-Apr-17 11:27:35

Why is it best not to go to counselling with an abuser?

I've been twice already. It was the counsellor who suggested he come along too. I'm not under any illusions I'm not perfect myself

Brokenandconfused Tue 25-Apr-17 11:29:42

She does know her. But isn't related like me. I know it sounds rediculous but sadly it's true sad

Brokenandconfused Tue 25-Apr-17 11:31:15

He thibk it's ok as he thinks it was inevitable. I stupidly asked for help with my niece and her behaviour problems. I was struggling to cope. They used this as an excuse to remove her. Mil was all too happy to tell them how bad I am and step up to take her

hellsbellsmelons Tue 25-Apr-17 12:12:41

Because an abuser will manipulate the situation.
He will take what you say - turn it back on you and use it as another stick to beat you with.
Have you been totally honest with your counsellor about his abusive behaviour?
Any decent ones would not suggest joint counselling with an abuser.

Brokenandconfused Tue 25-Apr-17 12:31:22

I've been very honest with my councillor but didn't give it that label. Perhaps I didn't realise how bad it was.

Problem is I'm sure I have some qualities that would be deemed as abusive too. So maybe were both as bad as each other?

I've previously accused him of being abusive but he wasn't impressed.

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