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The in-laws, the ex-wife and me

(41 Posts)
Appleandbanana123 Mon 24-Apr-17 23:03:31

I am trying to make sense of what's deemed reasonable and what isn't.

I have never met my new in-laws, who live on the other side of the globe, and they are coming over to England in few week's time. During their time here, they will be staying with us for a week, after which they are going spend a couple of weeks with DH's children and DH's ex-wife. That's all well and good, and great for the children as the youngest one has never even met his grandparents.

However (and this is when I really feel that I am simply not cut out for the reality of the modern family set up), when they go over to where the children live, DH will be taking them but I haven't been invited to go along. So in my mind, we are back to the 'playing happy families', where there's no place for me.

Funny though that when I once mentioned meeting up for lunch with my ex-in-laws as DS and I were considering a trip to near where they live (DS sees them at least twice a year; they live abroad too but in Europe), DH was fuming. I don't understand then why I have to always be so understanding about everyone's needs etc. I can't make sense of how I fit into all of this, what my place is or whether I even have a place in the grander scheme of things! Or does it mean in situations such as this one, I will always have to make way for the children's mother as her role is simply so much more important than that of the little new wife??

noego Mon 24-Apr-17 23:14:57

Your DS is entitled to see his GP's as well as any other child. it sounds a little manipulative if DH has one law for himself and another for you. This needs discussing and bringing out into the open.
Have the IL's accepted you as the new wife? They are also caught between their GK's and the ex and your DH. I can see them wanting to see GK's and they live with xW and you must accept that. But for H to then do a U turn on your exIL's seeing their GK is totally out of order.

Scrubba Mon 24-Apr-17 23:29:31

You need to bring up your visit to your former in laws again, point out to your DH what the double standards are. You can't let things like this slide. Otherwise it becomes a norm. It needs nipping, immediately, or it will cause more problems the next time you have contact with your XILs

TheNaze73 Tue 25-Apr-17 07:48:08

I'm struggling to see the problem here. This is surely about the grandchildren yet you are making this out to be about you.
He's not with the ex, he's chosen you, isn't that enough?

user1486956786 Tue 25-Apr-17 07:56:25

I'd find this hard too, considering you are his wife, not a new girlfriend. I guess not an option for the kids to have stayed with you whilst grand parents visit? Maybe that can be next time? It's normal to feel out of place or not know your place sometimes in a blended family. Sorry I have no more advice but I'd find this tough too!

befuddledgardener Tue 25-Apr-17 08:04:04

It's a great set up. Your DH was an idiot for getting his knickers in a twist about the Europe IL's

SandyY2K Tue 25-Apr-17 08:34:19

I don't think you going along is appropriate. I wouldn't want the new wife coming along in that situation. I think it's more about your in-laws seeing the grandchildren.

My real issue would be the hypocrisy and double standard with regards to your son. You should not have caved in on that, because you're preventing your DS from seeing his GPs.

Was your Ex going to be there or something? Is that why he objected?

SandyY2K Tue 25-Apr-17 08:40:33

Sorry... I reread your OP about your DS seeing his GPs twice a year.

So just meeting for lunch was an issue? That is ridiculous.

The issue isn't where you fit in. You are his wife and his parents want to see the kids. I'm not sure why him dropping them there, then returning isn't an option.

Your DH isn't staying with them for the two weeks with his Ex is he?

If he is, then I wouldn't be happy with that.

HoHoHoHo Tue 25-Apr-17 09:58:07

Is your DH spending the whole week there without you or is he just taking them there?

I think if he is dropping the kids there and staying for dinner YABU but if he is staying the whole week without you playing happy families then yo are definitely not. Also, as they are his children, why can't they stay with you when the grandparent stay?

I know how you feel. I have issues with my DPs parents as they are not comfortable with the fact they split and they seem to blame me, even though they split because DPs ex has a second affair after he had already decided not to end the relationship after he discovered her first affair for the sake of the children and didn't meet him til well after they had split up. His mum is polite but doesn't really acknowledge my existence unless she to. His dad was downright rude to me.

DP tells me they were really rude to his ex until the she had the children and weren't very friendly to ex girlfriend before that so maybe they just have no interest in his partners apart from vessels for his grandchildren.

MadMags Tue 25-Apr-17 10:01:20

Why don't you have the kids stay with you while the in-laws are here?

But your dh is being massively unreasonable expecting different rules for you and him.

hellsbellsmelons Tue 25-Apr-17 10:02:59

As long as you told your DH to get to fuck when he was 'fuming' then it's all good here.
I would not expect you to be invited to the ExW for a visit!?
But don't take any shite from your DH regarding you seeing your ExIL!
You didn't did you?

SandyY2K Tue 25-Apr-17 12:47:41

Could be that the children's school is nearer to their mum, so staying with OP and her DH isn't possible.

Appleandbanana123 Sat 06-May-17 16:00:59

Work has been crazy, and I am only just now finding the time to write again!

DH's children live ca. 3 hours away and we simply don't have the room to accommodate everyone. In fact, my DS is having to stay elsewhere for the week as ours is a bedroom house. I've just realised that it's half-term week when DS' parents are with us, so I am wondering why they are not with the children that week??

To the best of knowledge, DS is taking them up to where the children live. I wouldn't put it past him to stay the night, and come back the next day so that he can be there with his parents and the children at the same time.

By the way, I am normally kept in the dark until the very last minute.

As an aside, my birthday came and went without not even as much as Facebook message from the in-laws hmm nice! My ex-in-laws never forget though, but then they are terrific grandparents and were always really lovely to me.

As another aside, DH booked tickets for us to go to the theatre with his parents one evening but excluded my DS. Now, it's a 70s musical and DS is 18, but he was actually really offended that he wasn't even given the option. He quite happily goes along to the theatre, and has been brought up regularly going to those type of events.

So right now I have two issues that I am trying to work through in my head:
- what DH is going to come up with as far as his arrangements with his parents and children go
- how to make the effort to entertain two people who have mostly ignored me (especially on the two days when DH will be working and I'll be playing hostess on my own) confused

Appleandbanana123 Sat 06-May-17 16:01:48

Oops - two bedroom house!wink

SandyY2K Sat 06-May-17 16:49:59

With regards to your DS, he probably thought at 18 he wouldn't want to go out with mum, stepdad and stepdad's parents.

You may know it's half term that week and but do they? You've just realised yourself a so they may be unaware too.

Half term is not the same week at every school.

With it being a 3 hour drive, he may be too tired to drive back the same day.

Your recent post shows that there seems to be an issue with your in laws and your relationship with them. Your DH doesn't tell you what's happening till the last minute, but that could also be due to his last minute planning. Not deliberately leaving you in the dark.

You didn't respond on one point, aren't you allowed to meet with your Ex in laws?

kath6144 Sat 06-May-17 17:04:51

Sandy - but the May half term IS usually the same week for all schools, it has to be for secondaries as it comes in the middle of exams. It is always the week including the late May BH Monday. Some primaries have a second week off too, but not secs due to exams. But its irrelevant if Op cant put them up anyway.

Op - I think it is incredibly rude of your DH not to include your 18yo in the theatre trip. I have a 19yo and we would always ask if he wanted to come with us.

As for your DH not wanting you to see your ex-in-laws - why do you need his permission? If he doesnt like it, tough. Plus your DS is an adult, so can see who he wants too!

It sounds like you need a talk before the inlaws arrive, find out why he excluded your DS, why he has double standards re your ex-inlaws, and find out his plans for taking his parents to see the GC.

Appleandbanana123 Sat 06-May-17 17:19:13

I can see your point about the theatre but seeing that DS is the one being dislodged for the week and that he's not likely to see them again any time soon, I was quite shocked the DH didn't at least ask.

Overall, I am the defensive as they really haven't bothered with me at all and the whole arrangements with DH's contact with his children invariably creates issues between us.

And you are right that DH is by nature a last minute person but he will also keep me in the dark until the last minute when he knows something is likely to be an issue.

As for my ex-in-laws, DS and I were considering a trip to the country they live in, to visit its capital city for a few days- DS has been to the country countless times but has never had a chance to explore the capital and I am keen to see it again. Meanwhile, the ex-in-laws said that we should let them know so that we could at least meet up for lunch one day - they are 2 hours from the capital - or we could go up for the day (lovely town on the coast). It was very much at the planning stages but when I meninotes it to DH over dinner, he didn't like it all which was utterly unfair and unreasonable. Anyway, the plan is on hold BUT ONLY BECAUSE in the meantime the ex-husband has decided to go back home for Christmas (and DS too, which will be wonderful for him and the grandparents) and both DS and I have had to re-shuffle our holiday arrangements. Otherwise, rest assured that I would have gone ahead with our plan regardless of DH's views on it!!!!

I am not a victim; I understand that I've chosen to be in this situation when I married DH. However, this is just sh*t. Always having to step aside, all these relationships to manage, the whole bloody contact / visit arrangements. When you take DH's endless / countless dramas out of the equation, my life with DS is just so uncomplicated. Even considering the whole A level (coasting & refusing to work) nightmare, it's simple and peaceful.

Appleandbanana123 Sat 06-May-17 17:27:58

Hi kath6144

It really wasn't a question of needing his permission, and I may have confused matters when I mentioned it. I only included in the post as it's double standards to tell me that I should be delighted with his arrangement to go and play 'happy families' with the ex-wife, children and his parents (whilst the current wife sits at home, as though she might as well not exist - sorry, right or wrong that's how it feels to me!!!). However, he seemed to think that it was totally out of order for me to meet up with my ex-in-laws for lunch, with my DS (no ex-h).

The whole situation, and maybe it's just what you get with these crazy modern family arrangements (which I should have realised BEFORE remarrying that it really isn't for me). One person ends up doing all the accommodating, and having to deal with feeling brushed aside when your face doesn't fit it with the occasion.

AdaColeman Sat 06-May-17 17:43:51

I would be upset if my teenager was left out of a family event too, it seems as if your DH doesn't see him as a real part of the family.

The business of leaving you in the dark about plans, and only revealing them at the last moment, is a classic control technique, often covered by the excuse of not being organized enough to plan ahead.

If I were you, I'd be thinking very hard about my future.

Trollspoopglitter Sat 06-May-17 19:05:47

Why did he think it was out of order for you to meet up with your ex in laws? I don't understand. Obviously, he must consider your son to be capable of going to see them independently of you given his age... So I don't understand why he minds what your relationship with two other adults is.

Stephdufc Sat 06-May-17 22:43:43

I would not be happy in this situation either. I would definitely be asking him what his plans are with wether he would be staying over at ex wife or just driving there and back... if he stays there why not arrange to meet with your ex in laws at the same time with your son ? (If that's an option)

FeedMeAndTellMeImPretty Sat 06-May-17 23:29:16

Your H is a hypocrite. If I were you I'd book to visit your ex-ILs with your son the week DH's parents are visiting, then you can remove yourself from the awkwardness and let him play happy families with the ex while you have a legitimate meet up with people who actually care about you and your DS.

Nanny0gg Sun 07-May-17 10:19:26

What relationship do you have with your DH's children?

Do they never stay with you? Is your home not their home too?

It would make more sense if your in-laws met their DGC at your house, not the ex's.

Appleandbanana123 Wed 24-May-17 18:20:25

I am FUMING!!!

I've just seen a post by that in-laws that they are boarding their flight. Well wishes from various people, including the ex-wife. Also a family member telling them to give their best to DH, his ex and his children. It was pretty bad that his family took no interest in our wedding. Worse still that his parents show no interest in DS and I (remember not as much as a Happy Birthday message on Facebook). What is it? Is it because I didn't buy into the family surname? Is it because I haven't been around for long enough?

To add to it all, I expected DH to get DS' accommodation sorted for when the in-laws are with us. In spite of all my prompting (nagging), he still hasn't - 2 weeks to go until they come to stay with us.

I so so hate being in this situation. I admit that part of it is down to my own I securities but the whole situation just makes me feel like a second class citizen. I am already hating every minute of their stay with awful is that?

Please, help. How do I turn this around? The week with us is going to happen, whether I like it or not. flowers

ImperialBlether Wed 24-May-17 18:26:22

I wouldn't want to be in this marriage. I wouldn't want those in laws. I'd want to find somewhere for my son and me and to be left in peace. I couldn't bear all that, tbh.

You realise your husband's children will always take priority over you and your son?

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