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Tough love needed!

(22 Posts)
Blueshoess Mon 24-Apr-17 20:45:30

I'll try to keep this brief but don't want to drip feed, I just need a good head wobble off some feisty ladies of mumsnet.

Basically, I've been a single mum for a while now and although I've dated I've not really clicked with anyone. After a while I was sick of going on first dates and since I'm super busy in my final year of uni, I decided that a FWB situation would suit me better. Yes, you probably know where this is going.

So I met a guy - totally not my usual type. Not absolutely gorgeous but a professional athlete for my local sports team, Canadian, intelligent but very reserved. From day one of meeting him I instigated everything, and he seemed to like that. Our personalities are like ying and yang basically. Conversation via messaging has always been tedious, his responses are always short and seem cold but he's self admittedly not great at expressing himself. Anyways, he knew the deal from day 1. That I have a child and just looking for casual get togethers. He said that was good for him as his visa runs out at end of the season and hes not really sure what will happen in his career next/if he will retire.
So we slept together..the grand total of 4 times in 5 months. Christ, just typing it out sounds ridiculous. I think it's important to mention that the sex was goooood, and quite honestly I have never been with a guy in such good shape. Its also relevant to mention that my last relationship was with a guy who constantly made comments about my weight. So here I am, having great sex with a Canadian athletic babe who is worshipping my body so good that I feel like calling up his mom to say well done for raising such a champ. That good.

So obviously I wanted to see him more but there was always an excuse to do with his sports schedule/no sex before a game and being a single mum I had to juggle around childcare and uni work. But he always kept me hooked in, saying he wanted to see me. But then he became more and more distant, occasionally just ignoring my invitations - I would roughly message him once a week when I was free to invite him over. He would do this really annoying thing where he wouldn't give me a straight answer, then 3 hours later say he couldn't due to training the next morning or whatever bullshit excuse. This would go on for weeks until he would spontaneously drive over and fuck my brains out. Its been exhausting. Ive tried so many times to quit him and say look, you obviously have too much going on and I feel like I'm wasting my time asking you but he just wouldnt let me close the door. Or when I have done, I've always caved after a week and made contact again - which he always responds to.

Anyways the final straw came. He's finished his sports season and is due to leave the country in a couple of weeks. I asked him out right if he wanted to see me before he goes and he said "I would like to, but I can't guarantee that it will happen but I want to yes, that's the best answer I can give". Which to me sounds like " I want you to keep asking me and if no better options come along then maybe". Final straw came where I invited him over last night and he just completely ignored it. I told him to do me a favour and don't bother replying, wished him well for his future whatever and that was it. That was his chance to be like well she said don't contact me, but I woke up this morning to a passive aggressive "I was sick last night if you really need to know".
I told him I was done with asking and that I was going to delete his number. There's a part of me thats relieved because I'm like well, he's leaving the country so see ya pal. But then I found out he might not be leaving and that they might give him another years contract - the sport that he plays for is a sport that my son loves and we often go together to the games. (I had been to the sport before I met him but didn't recognise him from the team as I hadn't really been paying attention..obviously after meeting him I might of paid more attention and honestly - I was looking forward to him leaving so me and my son could enjoy the sport without me feeling like a stalker! Haha)

So yeah, I've deleted his number. And I feel like shit basically. I want him to be like " no bluessss don't walk away" but he won't. He doesn't give a shit, he led me on, and now it looks like he will be back for another season which means I'll have to sit there growling while my son chants and cheers him on (my son has no idea BTW and genuinely loves the sport)

Tell me I'm an idiot. I feel gutted that I've deleted his number.
So sorry this is so long, but it felt cathartic typing it out.

Garlicansapphire Mon 24-Apr-17 20:54:05

So sorry OP. But it was going to end at some point because its just never going to be a real relationship. Just you repeatedly asking a guy if he will do you the honour of servicing you. Another year, more of the same, and still, maybe greater, heartache.

Move on and find someone who can give you something, make the running, ask to see you, take you out, make you laugh, be interesting and witty. That aint mister boring canadian (however good in bed he is).

Lennielala Mon 24-Apr-17 20:54:08

For goodness sake woman! Pull yourself together. He is not interested in you and doesn't want to see you again, he is a pig by the sounds of things anyway so you've dodged a bullet. I know it fucking sucks but it's a lesson learned. 1. You've learned that actually FWB may not be for you and you are capable of developing feelings for someone (the RIGHT person tho) and 2. You shouldn't chase after pathetic little men who are just using you.

I don't mean to sound harsh, I'm a nice person lol honest. But cmon love seriously?

Just to end this lightly... I once met up with a guy from tinder who was here from Canada playing ice hockey, he invited me and my friend out with him and his friends, we played cards against humanity and then I went to the toilet and he shouted me into the kitchen where he was like do you want to have sex with me? And proceeded to pull his (rather very small) penis out. And I got my friend and left immediately. The next day he was texting me tons saying things like cmon I'm not that bad.. bla bla bla.

Weirdos everywhere haha.
Chin up babe there is someone out there who is just waiting to make you feel £10000000000

Blueshoess Mon 24-Apr-17 21:13:22

Thank you, you're both so right.

My last message before I deleted him just explained the sports situation and saying that my son is excited for next season and obviously he told me he was retiring after this season. Last season my son was asking if he could take his shirt to be signed by the players after the game/he wants to meet them etc but I avoided it as I didn't want this guy to feel awkward like oh crap here she is with her son wanting my autograph! Haha, would be too weird.
So I said to my son ahh next season you can meet them all, get you a new shirt, go to more games etc.
So I said to the guy today, look if you come back we'll probably see you so let's just pretend we don't know each other. He replied instantly saying yeah we can do that not a problem, don't worry about it.

I don't know how I would react though if I saw him again, its bad enough seeing him play. I need a new distraction in the summer dont I? These feelings will pass I hope.

Huskylover1 Mon 24-Apr-17 21:24:15

So many lovely hard penises on this planet. Just ride one that isn't attached to someone so complicated. Seriously!!!!!

Lennielala Mon 24-Apr-17 21:25:25

The Feelings will pass and I hope you're okay! But you know this guy just is not right for you or your son. Get back out there! Have fun and you'll meet someone when you least expect it! X

Lennielala Mon 24-Apr-17 21:26:08

What @husky said 😂Sound advice

Blueshoess Mon 24-Apr-17 21:32:46

Haha! That is true, though I've been blindsided by his perfect bum and dreamy Canadian accent. My friend said seriously though, would you be this obsessed if he was a local bus driver. And she's right, I wouldn't. Its the whole sports player/buff body/accent. I didn't think I was this shallow, its embarrassing.

Lennielala Mon 24-Apr-17 21:35:27

Plenty more perfect bums out there. Forget him! When you see him next year at a game you'll probably laugh at yourself and be like I can't believe I actually liked that shallow tool

Blueshoess Mon 24-Apr-17 21:51:03

I'm the shallow tool. Thing is, unless I've met someone else by then I'll probably be sat swooning. He's very good at the sport and one of the top scorers in the team. Its quite a physical sport too so watching him get all aggressive makes me feel a bit pathetic.
Haha, that's enough. No more stroking his ego.
He's dull, can't hold a conversation, is a closed book, doesn't laugh at my brilliant jokes, never asks me about my life/uni, has a shit beard.
There. Better.

Iflyaway Mon 24-Apr-17 21:53:51

Husky - LOL! grin

Too true!

Getting my brains fucked out is great! All the bullshit around it not so much.

I'm a lone parent too. So I need people in my life - work, friends, family, love interest - who don't give me the run-around. DS is always nr. 1.

He sounds wishy-washy and too much head space quite frankly.

Lennielala Mon 24-Apr-17 21:54:59

He's a douche bag.
How's uni going?

Iflyaway Mon 24-Apr-17 21:56:47

It's not shallow OP.

Nothing wrong with taking a cultural outing! grin

Broadens the mind don't ya know.

Blueshoess Mon 24-Apr-17 22:10:23

I have 4 weeks left of uni before I qualify, one final research proposal to write and I have done fuck all so far. He's taken up far too much head space.

I know what you mean Ifly, I live in a city without family and not many friends here as I moved so my son could have 50/50 access with his Dad. Ended up going to uni here, which I've thrown myself into and I really enjoy it but obviously I've latched on to someone who gives me a monthly ego stroke sandwiched between weeks of rejection. Not good. I'm a fool, a horny lonely fool. Haha

Ellisandra Mon 24-Apr-17 22:49:49

I bet his "thing" is having women desperate to see him.

Honestly, get a grip (cruel to be kind grin) he's just some bloke you shagged.

Just carry on going to the ice hockey (shirt signing and Canadian, it's soooooo ice hockey). They look like wankers with their fake fighting and stupid chants. You'll soon be taking the piss out of him in your head wink

For gods sake delete his number though!

Blueshoess Mon 24-Apr-17 22:57:06

Haha Ellis! I think you're right, he enjoyed the ol' ego stroke for sure and iam not a shy woman so he got plenty of those.

I have deleted his number, he's gone.

MangosAndPapayas Mon 24-Apr-17 23:13:01

A friend of mine "dated" a guy like this. Similar thing - she would call him, email him ask him out. He never did anything she suggested or met up when she suggested.

He would randomly call her in a "are you free this evening?like NOW" way. Take her for drink or dinner. Shag her senseless and then go incommunicado for months in the way you describe.

My assessment of it was - he was a lothario who had a little black book of shags. He wasn't interested in getting too close or emotionally involved with anyone so kept them all rotating. Plus he had his top shags. The way he was so periodic AND last minute with my friend made me think she was a long way down the list.

Apparently he'd say to her "you were the first person I called as I was free" which to me = "you were nearly the last person I called".

Sorry OP but you know the score here. You are emotionally involved and like him; he isn't on the same page and isn't likely to be.

FWIW it is very easy to just have sex with someone with no emotional attachment but to treat them nicely, behave well and not be cruel.

FWB does not = being nasty.

Ellisandra Mon 24-Apr-17 23:13:35

Good work!

LonginesPrime Mon 24-Apr-17 23:29:35

Good for you, OP - good riddance!

And just think, in years to come when you meet your actual dream guy, the two of you and your DS can go to the games and pay this douchebag to entertain you for a couple of hours whilst you all snuggle up together and talk about how crap some of the players are!

Blueshoess Mon 24-Apr-17 23:30:56

You're so right Mangos. Its a bitter pill to swallow. I think I've been in denial for a while, saying its all about the sex. The sex is so good, I'm just a horny sex pest messaging him for fun - no harm surely? But after a while when "sorry, can't do tonight but thinking about how much I wanna xyz" turns into just ignoring messages completely..then popping up 2 days later to say he was busy..then turning into ignoring again..but then saying yeah I'll be over in ten minutes..then going cold again. I'm like one of those rats pushing the lever for a treat - give me a treat, any treat will do.

Definitely emotionally unavailable though. Sniff of a difficult conversation, or ask him anything slightly personal he would literally just end the conversation with silence. We could of been messaging back and forth, then zada. He also once admitted that he throws himself into productivity/work to avoid meaningful connections with women..and I still stuck about like well he's having a great time with me once a month, when he's over for like 2/3 hours.

Unreal. I feel embarrassed

Expat38matt Tue 25-Apr-17 07:40:50

I'm an expat in canada and now dying to know what sport ?!!
Regardless it's so easy and understandable to get hooked into the fun and glamor of someone with a different lifestyle!!
I've been there but the truth is if he only had a few hours before he left and he really really liked you he'd have been able to fit you in!!
Sorry to be harsh - I've been also dazzled by the same kind of bullshit !!
All I can say in hindsight is that it would have been better to have enjoyed it for what it was and not let myself get emotionally invested

TheNaze73 Tue 25-Apr-17 07:45:17

He's not interested in anything other than a very occasional bunk up & is probably playing a dozen women. Players can easily set the needy radar & lap it up, to fuel their ego's.
Learn from it & move on

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