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What do you do if DH refuses to leave?

(16 Posts)
Barefoot789 Mon 24-Apr-17 20:11:36

Just that really. We have a shitty marriage really. Ranging from downright unbearable to ok, even nice at times as long as we all stay on his right side... You know the type. I've read loads and loads of threads in relationships and I know I need to/should LTB. But I dont know if I'm ready yet.
At times we have discussed seperating and he always says he won't leave, followed by 'you can go but you're not taking the children with you.' At which point I decide I haven't got the energy to fight him and get on with things, paper over the cracks once more, tell myself it's better to stay.
Anyway at the moment I feel like i'm ready to think about practical things of how I would leave. We own our home, both work full time. I could afford to move out and rent somewhere small whilst the process of seperating or even divorce panned out. But could he stop me?
Also i'm nervous he could end up with the kids living with him (I know, I know, they all threaten that!), but what if it happened? Or even 50:50, I think I'd regret leaving him if it ended up where I was not living with the kids half the week.
The children are 9 and 4, and in case it's relevant I was SAHM until recently. Now DH works from home and does school pick ups one night a week, is there if they're poorly etc. I'm worried that might put him in position of saying he's the main carer if he wanted to paint himself that way.
I don't know. I'm rambling. I guess I want to know if there's anything stopping me moving out with the children if I decided to. Has anyone done this and can give advice?

Huskylover1 Mon 24-Apr-17 20:58:05

Okay...this may be long...I have been where you are too. It's not an easy road, but, it IS do-able.

My kids were 9 & 11 at the time. We had been together 20 yrs.

Importantly, you need to get a good solicitor. You need a separation agreement drawn up. Your Sol will draw up the proposal and send it to his Sol. I realise that neither of you probably have a Sol just now. Ask around for recommendations, when I was going thru it, a friend had recently divorced and recommended someone. They will know things you are entitled to, that you have no idea about.

Eg.

* If his pension is currently valued at more than yours, when the house is sold, you get more of the proceeds to even this up.

* You may be able to stay in the marital home until the 4 yr old is 18.

* If you have sacrificed your career whilst he has progressed his, you will be due more money from the house sale proceeds (it's called economic recompense)

It's hard because you are going to have to sit him down, and tell him that you want to separate and then do all this Sol stuff whilst (at least for a while) living under the same roof. I told my ExH in the February and had to live under the same roof until the August. Hell on earth, but you have to see it as a passage to better times.

To answer some specific questions you have:

Can he stop me? No, he can't. He might turn really nasty tho. My ExH assaulted me twice, which was fairly out of character.

Will he get 50/50 custody? Well, yes he might. You have to sort of bash that out between you. It's not easy, because you will miss your children. You have to alternate Christmas and special occasions. He will want to take them abroad without you and stuff. That's not easy at all.

Be prepared for some shit to fly. My ExH came up with tons of weird shit, like suggesting that his parents get a loft extension and the kids could live with them now (300 miles away). Er, what? Also, he tried to stiff me on child support, the split of assets....he stooped so low I was gobsmacked.

Stick to your guns. Soldier on. You could be free by Christmas.

Fwiw, I went on to meet a lovely man. We are now married and will celebrate 10 years together next year. It's yours for the taking.

I remember constantly listening to inspirational music at the time, to get me through it. I will try to remember some and post here for you. They might not be your cup of tea, but it will at least be a distraction!

Huskylover1 Mon 24-Apr-17 21:00:56

www.youtube.com/watch?v=fz1N8W8phec

Huskylover1 Mon 24-Apr-17 21:05:02

www.youtube.com/watch?v=sESXEepM-J8

Gotto really listen to the words on this one...

Huskylover1 Mon 24-Apr-17 21:06:27

www.youtube.com/watch?v=-2U0Ivkn2Ds

In sad moods....

Huskylover1 Mon 24-Apr-17 21:07:45

www.youtube.com/watch?v=2EwViQxSJJQ

In "fuck you" moods...I'm gonna get me a new man fuckface..

Huskylover1 Mon 24-Apr-17 21:10:55

And finally, a happy one...this song makes me think about my lovely DH...after all that shit, there he was/is. You will find this too.

www.youtube.com/watch?v=8-vZlrBYLSU

Good luck barefoot

xx

Barefoot789 Mon 24-Apr-17 21:11:27

Thanks Husky. I can't even imagine sitting him down and telling him it's over. I've always just stumbled on, never really actively making choices just letting things happen.
The idea of living together whilst seperating is hellish. Thats one thing that really stops me from going through with it. He'd be a dick. I know it. That's why I wanted to know if I could move out with the children as soon as possible after I told him.
I worry about the children too and exposing them to more arguements than they already witness.

I know I should see a solicitor too but I've not done that yet, it would seem too real. Even posting on here is scary. It makes me feel like I might just actually do it.

Barefoot789 Mon 24-Apr-17 21:12:26

Thanks Husky

Huskylover1 Mon 24-Apr-17 21:19:16

It IS scary. Fucking terrifying. I told him on the 13th February, as I just knew I couldn't do valentines. Boy, did I consume some vino before I spat it out. It has to be done though. Fwiw, it took me 4 whole years to actually do it. I found out in 2004 that he had cheated, and had tried to sleep with all of my friends. I didn't leave until 2008. It's not easy. But you can do it. x

Barefoot789 Mon 24-Apr-17 21:31:35

We're coming up to our 10 year wedding anniversary and the thought of 'celebrating' that makes my blood run cold. I can't understand how he can't be feeling the same way. Surely he must know this is just shit!
Unfortunately his parents had a very unhappy shouty marriage and I think he thinks this is normal. You get married and then you grow to hate each other.
However I feel like because i'm not totally miserable all of the time that I'd be selfish to leave. Especially when I know the children can't 'leave' him, and they'll have to spend time with him and deal with him alone. Now don't get me wrong he's not violent but he is moody, lacks patience and shouts, even calls DS (9) names if he gets rubbed up the wrong way.
I think if they were coming home saying theyd had a horrible time with their Dad, I'd feel like I'd made the wrong choice and that I should have stayed and just put up with it until they were older.

happypoobum Mon 24-Apr-17 21:37:38

If you see a solicitor you are just gathering information and considering your options. You don't have to act on any advice given unless/until you want to.

Barefoot789 Mon 24-Apr-17 21:49:29

Yeah I know, I need all the information before I make any decisions. I don't want to act in haste and then regret it.

SandyY2K Mon 24-Apr-17 21:52:32

If your DS comes home (in the future ) and says things about the time with dad, then you need to cross that bridge and determine what action to take.

As much as you may want to stay for the kids, you also need to leave for the kids. At a certain point in time, when they get older, if the children refuse to see him, that will be their choice.

Why does he want to stay in such a bad marriage?

Barefoot789 Mon 24-Apr-17 21:56:08

He says he doesn't want to give half his stuff away to me.

Barefoot789 Mon 24-Apr-17 21:58:53

Or rather he doesn't want to lose everything he's worked for!

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