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Lots of love but not much sex - what to do?(17 Posts)
DH and I have been together ten years, and have three DC. The youngest is three. I love him very much. He's my best friend, a brilliant dad, a supportive and affectionate husband and I trust him completely. I can't imagine not having him as my partner. BUT I don't fancy him.
When we got together we had chemistry. Just sitting next to him was exciting! But it's been ages since I felt like that. I have a fairly low sex drive and have been celibate without feeling deprived for fairly long periods before I met DH. In previous relationships I lost the spark too; it just seems to be what I'm like. I have no interest in any other men, and haven't since we got together.
We do have sex, and I am totally emotionally consenting, just not really that bothered physically. I find minor things like morning breath a barrier and get more turned on when I'm drunk. I know DH would like sex more often (currently I reckon it's 1/2 times a month) and I'd like to rediscover my enthusiasm. I daren't tell him how uninterested I feel as he would be horrified and hurt, and the disadvantages to me are not enough to justify that. I also feel unattractive after three pregnancies/weight gain/lack of time for grooming etc.
Sorry this is so long but has anyone else gone through this and found their spark again?
Do you take any hormonal contraceptives op?
TBH you sound pretty normal for s mum with 3 young kids.
No, I stopped as I was putting on so much weight and deliberately got a non-hormonal coil after my last baby.
I do see people on here talking about still fancying their partners, even if they don't actually have much time for sex. I worry that I don't get that even.
Mmm, I get not wanting sex for various reasons but to not fancy your partner must be awful, can you do date nights, see if that rekindles what you must have once felt for him?
Sometimes I need to start to be in the mood IYSWIM. Does that work for you?
That's the only thing that does really happen, CORA. Once we get going it's not too bad (normal for me in that I don't think I really do sex very well anyway) but I probably feel like initiating sex less than once a year.
I think he's handsome in certain clothes, but I never want to rip his clothes off. We do go out together and it's all fine, and we have plenty to talk about, but it doesn't really make me more interested in sex.
You might feel totally awkward about this but would you look at/read some porn? I think sometimes familiarity does this to a couple. A bit of something new to spark your imagination might work.
I've read/watched porn before. I guess we could give it a go. He and I have watched a tiny bit together in the past. He doesn't use it himself but did get turned on before.
I so understand how you feel. I honestly think I wouldnt even be into George Clooney etc and I cant blame kids, our son has left home. Im 55 and have felt like this to be honest for at least last 12 years. Actually i quite like porn , but on my own. Quite bizzarre.
Honestly you do sound quite normal. Bringing up three young kids is like running a nursery with someone you use to date.
I'm not sure if the majority of women feel like ripping off their partners clothes all the time. Most of us would prefer a night away from the kids, a few drinks, a box set and a decent nights sleep.
Also I'm not sure how people manage to deal with everyday life if they are constantly fantasising about sex with their partner. How does it work - he's asking you what to do about Emma's school report / what to buy for MIL birthday / where should be go on holiday and you are planning the world best BJ? ??
It's not real is it?
Personally I wouldn't consider ( visual ) porn, as I'm against exploitation and sexual abuse. And on a practical level, I don't think it would make either of us feel better about our bodies or our technique. I don't need even more things to feel inadequate about.
What works for us is reconnecting as a couple and not as co parents,spending time just doing something nice togther, like going to the cinema, to an exhibition and out for lunch . We have flexible jobs so can take time off during the day sometimes, cheaper than babysitters in the evening. And we can have noisy sex in our own home ( as long as we are done by 3pm ) .
Can you find some sort of acceptable compromise between your two different sex drives ? It's not about all or nothing. Could you manage one a week rather than once every two weeks ? If you are ok once you get started then maybe it's just about making time to do it.
We both work full time so get very little time together in daylight!
I guess I'm still at the stage when an uninterrupted 30 minutes with a book gets me more excited than the prospect of sex. I should make more effort. It's not unpleasant. Is that the best I can say about sex with my husband, eh?
Does it have to be about sex though op? Would you consider just spending time together 'getting close' so with massage for example or just finding touches and sensations that the other person likes - so that you can not feel so uncomfortable about your body? Then if sex happens it does but if it doesn't thats ok too.
Do you flirt with each other at all? Send sexy text messages? How about meeting somewhere else for a 'date' as if it was a first date? Have fun discovering what sort of things turn you on.
We do flirt a bit. We touch a lot too, but I guess it feels like stuff like massage is always headed to sex and I feel tired at the thought. We also have such limited time that it's rare to have the space to do much but 'the basics' before a child comes running in or one of us falls asleep!
I like the idea of sexy text messages!
I am a bit like you as in every long term relationship I've had I've lost the desire to have sex after the initial honeymoon period. However, I do think it's important to have sex so ensure I suggest it twice a week. I find that me doing the suggesting helps a lot in not feeling "annoyed" by the other person wanting sex. And I also find once I get into it I quite enjoy it and that the more I have it, the easier it is for me to do.
I think when you have a busy life, you work, you're tired etc, it's normal to not feel particularly bothered about shagging. But that making it part of your routine actually keeps the wheels oiled as it were and it becomes less of an effort.
I also feel unattractive after three pregnancies/weight gain/lack of time for grooming etc.
That's not going to help. I think you have to feel good about yourself before you can feel sexy. Is there anything you can do address this?
I don't think I really do sex very well anyway
It sounds as though you aren't at all confident in your abilities and that's not going to help either. What makes you think you aren't any good?
I think he's handsome in certain clothes, but I never want to rip his clothes off
Did you ever feel lust for him or is it something that has deminished over the years? Has he let himself go and you no longer find him physically attractive? Or is it more a case of stuck in a rut where you are parents and have forgotten how to be lovers?
I understand that you don't want to tell him exactly how you feel at the mo but it's important to communicate with him nevertheless. Can you reassure him your relationship and intimacy matter a lot and listen to what he has to say?
I think he's quite secure in me. He'd like more sex but doesn't take it too personally IYSWIM?
I work 45 hours a week so that plus children means very little time for me obviously. I have been struggling to lose weight for years with limited success and have a physical condition that makes exercise not impossible at all but difficult to do outside structured sorts of activity so I try to DVDs when I can but even that can be tricky. I know from my old self that if I could be more active in general I'd feel better.
I say not very good because I've never found sex particularly earthshattering. I'm not sure if I'm wired right! DH seems to appreciate my abilities as far as he's concerned and he tries really hard with me and I don’t think he knows that I wonder at my lack of oompf! An orgasm feels quite nice but that's about it.
I find him sexy occasionally but not at all day to day. He hasn't changed much and is a nice normal chap with decent hygiene etc so it’s nothing to do with him. I guess we are just parents who slump in front of the TV before bed.
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