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Help me not want him anymore

(338 Posts)
Shoegirly Mon 24-Apr-17 15:00:06

Been seeing a guy for 4 months. Was friend of a friend so actually known him a couple of years. Only actually saw him once every two weeks as we have 6 kids between us,he works shifts and we live 20 miles apart (I don't drive)
At first he was quite full on lots of texting,phoning etc but that gradually tapered off and it became quite obvious to me that I was more into him than he was me. I suggested that if he wasn't prepared to make more effort,try and spend more time with me then perhaps we should end it.
He was gutted said he didnt want to lose me,promised we would spend more time together.
Literally a week later we had huge row as I found our he had two weeks off work but had made no effort to see,spend time with me. He then turned on me and accused me of trying to stop him spending time with his kids!
Sorry for huge essay. In my head I know I am better off with our him but problem is I have never fancied a man as much! We have been in some contact due to mutual friend which just messes me up more. How do you stop liking/wanting someone? Help me not contact him!!!

C0RA Mon 24-Apr-17 15:03:00

The only cures are

1. Time
2. Keeping busy and notthinking about him
3. Talking sense into yourself or having someone else do it.

Sorry no easy answers .

pw2212 Mon 24-Apr-17 18:29:20

Watching with interest - I'm trying to keep busy and not think about a certain person but it is really hard especially when you are friends and have a lot in common

antimatter Mon 24-Apr-17 18:33:08

He ticked few of your boxes. Which ones are those most important in this case?

BarryKwipkee Mon 24-Apr-17 18:43:10

Get turned off as they say.

There is a man i walked away from last april and we have had only sporadic contact since then. I deal with the still occasional yearning to talk to him by telling myself that i will talk to him after interview/gig/weekend/course..... and then the urge subsides. After the interview/weekend or whatever i dont want to talk to him.

Shoegirly Mon 24-Apr-17 19:09:51

Well I have not messaged him so far but the urge is still there. I know I need to give myself a slap as he is not worth the angst but seeing him at weekend was so hard. I was very off with him as didn't want to get sucked back in. I am 41 will I ever get over being so fucking insecure as far as men are concerned?

Girlywurly Mon 24-Apr-17 19:23:02

Sorry to hear you're going through this, OP flowers Sounds so painful.

I'm struggling with something similar, except he was a FWB, not a boyfriend. I had (have!!) it bad... blush

I've followed some of the advice often given on here for dealing with limerance (make a shit list, force yourself to think of other things, block, delete, etc) but not found it to be at all helpful in my case.

What has helped (to a degree):
- Giving up the booze. The urge to contact him after I've been drinking is just excruciating, and I'd rather avoid it if I can.
- Getting involved in a very demanding new voluntary job. It's been a brilliant distraction.
- Thinking about what he brought to my life, and trying to see if I can do any of that for myself.
- Telling myself 'if it's meant to be, it'll be', and reminding myself that he can contact me anytime he likes, but chooses not to because he doesn't care. (This is why not blocking helps, I think).

Good luck, OP.

Biddylee Mon 24-Apr-17 19:51:37

No contact stuff on this site is good:

www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/breaking-up-and-moving-on-by-cutting-contact-part-1/#more-930

Split with a hot guy more than a month ago - it's been dragged out and he made contact twice even though I said no contact. Just starting to shake him from my head properly. Meditation (which helps to give a bit more clarity in the mind), journalling what an arse he was helps, keeping busy helps too.

Lamenting a hot dude who sort of quite liked me but not enough to be just a little bit more available is not worth my time and I deserved better - always remember that bit.

(I'm 44 and determined to learn - and hoping to land a better chap next time)

Plentyoffishnets Mon 24-Apr-17 19:58:56

I agree with all of the above!! Had the same in January, literally could not stop thinking about a guy who had similar short term thing with: he liked me but not enough.
Time really does heal. In the meantime I found doing daily yoga (on YouTube) helped as did getting online dating again.chatting to and dating others filled the gap I had from messaging him before and it didn't take too long to find someone new to get under!! Since that, I hardly think about him at all and can be normal around the ex. Funnily enough, that triggered his interest again! Men, eh?!

Girlywurly Mon 24-Apr-17 20:08:48

Oh god, the last time I saw mine was early November... and I am still pining like crazy!! sadblush So probably I should be taking advice, not dishing it out!?

Shoegirly Mon 24-Apr-17 20:24:16

It really hurt seeing him at weekend. I was determined to try and act like I didn't care but I just couldn't pull it off. Plus he was acting like we are still friends and saying that I looked different,lovely etc. So then I got my hopes up and messaged asking if he wanted to meet on the Sunday and he knocked me back. I feel shit.

pw2212 Mon 24-Apr-17 20:28:28

Shoegirly - at least you asked him and now know where you stand - it is early days but hopefully now you can start to move on and find someone who makes time for you. I'm not even brave enough to ask the question of what is going on to my friend...guess that says loads as I guess deep down I know the answer....

Shoegirly Mon 24-Apr-17 20:36:10

He always blames it on having his kids but that's just bullshit isn't it? I just don't understand how he can go from one week saying he would be gutted to lose me and the following week that's it over.
I keep trying to make excuses for him like he has ptsd and told me at weekend that he is going to ask psychiatrist to up his meds something he was very resistant to previously. So that makes me think it might just be he is going through bad time and might change his mind. This is so pathetic but I just want him to want me again.

pw2212 Mon 24-Apr-17 20:41:06

They always have some reason - mine has sole custody of his daughter but can always make time to have coffee and lunch at work and spends all his time with me at work events but makes very little effort to make any plans outside of that.

I think that sometimes it is right person, wrong time but you can't put your life on hold hoping that something changes...easier said than done I know

Girlywurly Mon 24-Apr-17 20:47:39

You're right in the middle of the most painful, raw bit right now... but at least you can start healing. At least you're not sleeping walking into years spent in a relationship that doesn't satisfy you emotionally...

Callusyophilr Mon 24-Apr-17 21:06:46

I think you should start seeing his weird behaviour (saying X to manipulate you but doing Y) as the turn off it is ( and would to most women

who wants a liar?

You seem to be putting the blame on yourself for being very drawn to him ( and setting him up as some "prize ")

But this "type" makes a game out of promising X, Y and Z then secretly enjoying the drama of having emotionally normal women get all het up about them .

If you just ignored him I reckon he'd show up again/instigate contact just to get some attention and goad you a bit to chase him then do the whole innocent "what me?" thing.

He's enjoying setting you up to make you seem like some crazed desperate stalker - I guarantee if he meets someone else ( or if he has already) he is portraying you as some controlling weirdo who won't take no for an answer (leaving out his own part in the matter of course)

Sure people get hurt and rejected in dating, but did he ever say "I'm not into this/I don't have time/ I don't see you as a long term prospect" .

He seems an emotional sadist who likes to keep you dangling then reject you ( so he can delude himself he's some alpha male type with lots of women chasing after him and his time)

Some "prize" he is hmm

Biddylee Mon 24-Apr-17 22:13:22

Shoegirly Give yourself time. It's horrible really wanting to be with someone but knowing that they aren't that interested (or worse, they are only interested when it's convenient and know all the right things to say to get you doing what they want - or get you feeling bad for asking for what you want). If this bloke has lots to sort out in his life, let him get on with it and find someone who can be fully available to you.

springydaffs Mon 24-Apr-17 22:28:48

Don't in fact never make excuses for a man. Men have an innate ability to look after themselves (so shoot me): if he wanted to be with you, he would be with you.

Ptsd. That's a new one hmm

A good tactic I heard the other day: every time you think of him, drop the thought onto a metaphorical tennis racket and hit it into outer space.

Re thinking. All that thinking feeds the obsession. Get aware of when you're thinking of him (looking at his texts/fb page/etc) and consciously stop it in its tracks: nope, I'm not doing that. You may have to consciously STOP a hundred times a minute but, gradually, you'll teach your brain, therefore heart, to stop.

He doesn't want to take it further. He's messing you around. Yewww. Who wants someone who gets off on making sport of someone's heart.

Timetobookaholiday Mon 24-Apr-17 22:40:42

I wish I could give you some advice, but i'm trying very hard to end a year long non committal relationship (if you can even call it a relationship!)
He is doing just as the other posters have said, keeping me so he can have some control over me not ending it, enjoying knowing I can't just walk away.
So I'm here looking for the advice from other people too.

Blueshoess Mon 24-Apr-17 22:43:23

I feel you. I'm in a similar situation and its shit. With mine it got down to asking him outright and being very direct, and he still couldn't give me a straight forward answer. Mine said "yeah I really want to see you again but I can't guarantee its going to happen, but I want to".
Bullshit. If he wants to see you he will. Its exhausting doing the back and forth and analyzing everything. But if he throws you crumbs and you accept the shitty behaviour he's going to throw less crumbs next time and soon you're accepting one measly crumb for all your energy and effort spent thinking about him.
Do you deserve crumbs or the whole loaf?
Delete his number, erase him from your life and find a man who will bake you a loaf and give you them good slices.

Mermaidinthesea123 Mon 24-Apr-17 22:47:34

When you get sucked in and marry someone like this then they divorce you and fight you for half your house. That soon wakes you up to their character.
Would he be a good step dad to your kids........no.
Your ovaries are overriding your brain, don't listen to them!

Girlywurly Mon 24-Apr-17 22:49:27

Don't in fact never make excuses for a man. Men have an innate ability to look after themselves (so shoot me): if he wanted to be with you, he would be with you.

This is very good advice I think. When I find myself making excuses for the man I'm obsessing over, I remind myself of the focussed and tenacious way he pursues his career, cares for his children - ie. stuff that, unlike me, really matters to him!

Men tend not to over think things as we do. If they want something, they go for it. The fact he's not at my side tells me everything I need to know. I find this oddly comforting. Better than the endless, 'what if...'

Callusyophilr Mon 24-Apr-17 23:08:56

It's the "sunk costs" fallacy as well.

Basically you've invested so much emotional energy into this that you want to "win" now by either getting a relationship or "having the last word".

Unfortunately, you'll never "win" here and need to cut your losses.

This type of person isn't "real" - they're good at leading people on into a "what if" fantasy situation (lots of flowery words and phrases yeah?) but have nothing to offer on real life. "Your" man was probably seeing other people.

It doesn't make you naive or mean that your next interaction will pan out the same way - I think everyone who had been on the dating circuit will have had the same experience.

But obsessing over one guy beyond his social sell by date will restrict your choices to date and meet other people.

Girlywurly Mon 24-Apr-17 23:17:13

Some people just aren't equipped to be in relationships. Perhaps you've already had the best of him, OP?

Diminishing returns from here on in...

WhatALoadOfOldBollocks Tue 25-Apr-17 10:10:05

Men tend not to over think things as we do. If they want something, they go for it. The fact he's not at my side tells me everything I need to know. I find this oddly comforting

So do I Girlywurly. It's so true and so simple that, as you say, it helps stop all the overthinking and analysing. It's also worth reminding ourselves how they behaved in the early days of the relationship, where they were really keen to travel to see us, where they found the time to do so, where they would reply to texts within a few hours, etc. If they were able to do it then, and logistics haven't changed, then the reason they "can't" do it now is emotional. In other words, they're just not that into us any more.

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