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He is driving me insane AIBU

(70 Posts)
Lennielala Mon 24-Apr-17 14:03:55

I have been with my DP for 3 years now And we have a 1 year old DS together and another on the way and I feel very much like a single mother. I feel like He doesn't consider us everyday he just says "right I'm going out" he will leave at 10am ISH and come back later on at night, usually once DD is sleeping. I call him and he just always tells me "I'm too busy to speak to you" he thinks it isn't his job to help look after DS and always tells me to ask for help from other people if I am 'struggling' he always says "ask my mum she is there to be used" when I say no you're the dad not your mum he just says I'm too busy.
He is a self employed worker, he owns a few flats which occasionally need work done to them when a tenant moves out etc.
Normally he will give me an ETA for coming home say half5 but will return home at 9pm.

AIBU to ask him what time he will be home? AIBU to get annoyed when he comes he late every night and I feel like my DS is missing out on a relationship with DF and me missing out on a relationship?

In the past when he'd come home late I'd tell him I was annoyed and he would say I know I need to help you more and ask for a cuddle, then I'd cuddle him and he'd do the same the next day. Now he gets annoyed that I don't want to cuddle him. Lastnight he told me he'd be home at half5/6 after leaving at 10am and he called me at 8 where he was at his mums to tell me he was having something to eat and would be home soon. He came home just after 9.
It's tough looking after a little person with bad morning sickness etc.. I'm so worried about being on my own with 2 babies when I eventually give birth to this one. He hasn't helped much at all with DS1. I have never been to a hair appointment/doctors app etc on my own, I always take my baby because he just is never ever here.

He tells me that I need to respect he is working hard but then tells me he feels sorry for me because I'm always on my own with little one! I feel so neglected and feel like my baby isn't getting the time with his dad that he deserves.

DP despite sometimes telling me "I know you need more from me" doesnt normally see what's wrong with his behaviour

Lennielala Mon 24-Apr-17 14:04:42

Sorry for the long winded story!

HDAM Mon 24-Apr-17 14:06:09

He sounds vile OP. YANBU

Lennielala Mon 24-Apr-17 14:10:57

Thanks for the response HDAM. It's always nice just to hear what an outsider thinks as he does make me feel like I am being unreasonable at times.

Adarajames Mon 24-Apr-17 14:14:55

Urgh what an utter waste of space he is! Make sure you're not doing anything of his (laundry etc) and if he complains let him know you have no time as the kids father is no help; you'd likely be better off without him!

Bananalanacake Mon 24-Apr-17 14:15:04

Sorry if this sounds stupid but did he actually WANT a child when you got pregnant with DS, he should be pulling his weight.

user1471462290 Mon 24-Apr-17 14:16:04

I agree with HDAM,

Sorry op he sounds horrible & like he is hiding something sad you & your ds deserve better xx

flowers

MrsA2015 Mon 24-Apr-17 14:16:31

Useless. Ltb

Lennielala Mon 24-Apr-17 14:18:57

@Banana well.. I was told I wasn't able to carry naturally and would have to explore other avenues when the time came.. we fell pregnant after only being together a short while (I was SOOO shocked but happy) I still can't believe it lol..

He's already admitted he resented me throughout my pregnancy.. for example I used to always want him present at scans and I was excited about feeling my baby move so used to try get him to feel but he used to say "I don't want to feel your stomach" to which his mum would agree and say "most men don't want to" and also "stop making me go to appointments with you"

I feel so stuck. (he hasn't needed persuaded to be present at this pregnancy apps as of yet) like I feel single but not single.. ahh FML

Lennielala Mon 24-Apr-17 14:22:10

I see your point user, I feel 100% confident he isn't cheating on me. He is just EXTREMELY inefficient when it comes to doing things.. I.e he is doing up a bathroom in one of his flats right now (tradesmen are doing it he's doing the painting of it etc) and instead of getting al materials at the same time he gets them all on different days and starts getting stressed because tenants are moving in on Wednesday! He told me lastnight "I'm sorry but I'm not letting an investment I worked all my life for go down the toilet, I need to get it finished.
I know you need more from me and it will come after Weds 👍"

Gutted.

Florida28 Mon 24-Apr-17 14:24:48

He's the one missing out on precious years with DS. Such a waste of space by the sounds of it, sorry that's not very helpful blush

Why don't u ask MIL to take the loan occasionally to give u time to urself. She might then have a word with her son about his role as a parent.

Florida28 Mon 24-Apr-17 14:25:36

Lo not loan* bloody auto correct angry

yetmorecrap Mon 24-Apr-17 14:27:09

sorry this guy is not nice. You are just "there". I can tell you this guy is not "out at work" all that time , with that kind of business he has a lot of flexibility. He could help you a lot more, he just doesnt want to, He is not a family man--some men just are not -- If he owns flats, but you are not married, start now by making sure you know the details on his "business stuff" address of flats, rent details, mortgage details, etc, etc. If he earns reasonably well, he is going to have to pay decent maintanace at least for your child and housing etc even if you dont have as many rights because of not being married. The expression is "get your ducks in a row" be pleasant whilst you do this, dont let him get wind--photocopy his bank statements etc so you know his account details. If he gets paper statements , look at them so you can see what he has coming in, all that kind of stuff.

Lennielala Mon 24-Apr-17 14:27:20

@Florida I've tried to talk to MIL in the past and she hasn't been very helpful, on occasions she has even asked me "what about what you do to him?" And was present when he called me an extremely undesirable name 2 weeks postbaby and didn't say a thing.

MIL is constantly with DP, she helps him do all his work and their very much a team I don't feel part of sad he tells her everything even about my doctors apps I ask him not to tell anyone about!

Lennielala Mon 24-Apr-17 14:29:37

@yetmorecrap I know what you're saying. When he isn't working at his flats (or self employed cleaning job Monday tuesday 3/4hrs each day) he goes up to his mums all the time or his favourite place screwfix 🙄 or if he is here he's on his mobile looking at ways to save money (tight arse)

Reow Mon 24-Apr-17 14:34:06

My god. I'd be gone.

Beelzebop Mon 24-Apr-17 14:34:18

Would you leave if you could? You sound miserable xxxx

Lennielala Mon 24-Apr-17 14:44:43

I am. I guess you just always hope things will get better. I just wanna do what's best for my babies but I guess an unhappy mum isn't what's best for them.

I dunno what stops me xx

Lennielala Mon 24-Apr-17 14:45:16

I dunno why it says I am at the start of that lol.

Kelpie666 Mon 24-Apr-17 17:00:07

Well I have been in a similar situation myself so I can give you my advice which may or may not help. Making babies takes 2 adults and there is a reason for that which i will get into a bit later.
An adult is someone who has his or her priorities fairly well defined. It sounds like your partner hasn't grown up yet and wants to live the life of a single person without any of the hassles involved in bringing up a family. My guess is that he only wants to be involved when it suits him and I am not just talking about fatherhood. From what you say he will only ever give you and your child time when it suits him. Unfortunately this is not how the real world of relationships and parenting works. As a mother you only want what is best for you and your child and that includes having 2 parents to share the all the great stuff and the mundane equally. You are in effect a single mum with a guy that seems to pop round whenever he feels he has to in order to keep the peace? So he is what I would call a waste of space and I am sorry if that upsets you. You must feel like a single Mum and being pregnant and having to deal with a very small child (and a big one) will have your emotions all over the place. Your partner SHOULD be FULLY supportive of you but instead he does all he can to spend as much time away from you both. That's NOT a Dad or a partner. A partner s someone who supports his wife/partner physically and emotionally before anything else. A Dad is someone who is there as much as possible to have influence on his children, to support their upbringing and to support their Mum in all aspects of care. You have none of the above I'm afraid.
I cannot advise on your next step but I don't think you are going to resolve this any time soon. If he doesn't listen to reason and if he constantly makes up excuse after excuse for his vanishing tricks and his behaviour then, quite frankly, you are wasting your time. And you have another baby on the way? Wow you are more in need now than ever and you will only need more help emotionally and physically as your pregnancy moves forward. You need someone you can depend on, someone who will give you time for you, someone who will cuddle you when you feel down and someone who will take care of HIS child when u feel you need a break.
Sadly you appear to just have yourself and you must be wondering what you are doing wrong. Nothing is the answer to that. You are busy being a Mum and probably a skivvy to his lordship. If it was me I would give him an ultimatum. Either be a Dad and a partner or get lost. I haven't used the words LOVE and RESPECT here because it's pretty obvious that he has neither for you yet they are cornerstones of family life. I wish you all the best for your new baby, your little one and your future. I hope you can make him see sense but if you can't then being on your own is a lot easier than sharing your life with someone who is never around when you need them. Take care.

Kelpie666 Mon 24-Apr-17 17:28:43

I forgot to say that I think you are quite a strong woman because I certainly wouldn't be able to put up with his behaviour AND still be trying to fix things. Some people just do not realise what they have until it's all too late and they are left with nothing. He might not be around much just now through his OWN choice but when that choice is taken away from him and you feel enough is enough, he won't know what's hit him. Good luck, and I say that to him too, he is going to need it!!

yetmorecrap Mon 24-Apr-17 17:39:45

Beautifully put Kelpie666. Some guys just are not family man material right from the off. Problem is you dont always know that till you get pregnant because bizzarley a lot of the seem desparate to have families and are often the ones pushing for it !!

Kelpie666 Mon 24-Apr-17 17:59:25

yetmorecrap thank you

OhWhatFuckeryIsThisNow Mon 24-Apr-17 18:07:51

And when you do what Crap says, make sure you get details of business accounts, because I have a funny feeling he might be skint when you claim maintenance.
He sounds a charm, uninterested in family, rude and verbally abusive to you and a mummy's boy.

mumofthemonsters808 Mon 24-Apr-17 18:24:15

Lenne-What always puzzles me on these type of threads, is why women keep having babies to these type of men. If he's a waste of space with the first baby, the odds are very high that he'll behave exactly the same with subsequent babies. I can't get my head round it.

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