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I'm not ok

(12 Posts)
inmyshoos Mon 24-Apr-17 14:00:59

So after a long time of being in an unhappy marriage i told h in January it was over. We are making slow but steady progress in the seperation process.
However i cant help but feel like all of a sudden i am very alone. I do wonder is this a normal part of the process. Just previously i have felt i have a good support network of friends but of late only one or two seem to be truly there for me. Calling, arranging coffee, walks etc. I know most of them are busy with stuff in their own lives but im feeling so desperately sorry for myself and cant help wishing they'd think to get in touch to see how things are. Its such a huge step for me. I have no family nearby and tbh at the moment feel so flat i am considering making an appointment with gp to see if he can help.
Do i just need a good kick up the arse. I'm not normally needy but feel so out on a limb at the moment sad

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy Mon 24-Apr-17 14:06:19

Hi inmyshoes, just wanted to say hello. Perhaps it is a little bit of a combination of most of them just carrying on as normal (which they would have been doing anyway) and not realising that you need a bit more support. Or perhaps you need to voice this?

But I do know what you mean. Do you have any hobbies etc that you can turn to while the separation process continues? E.g. going to the gym or evening classes etc? Might help to take your mind off things. Anyway, have some flowers. :-) flowers

inmyshoos Mon 24-Apr-17 15:21:02

Thank you for responding Greenfingers i do think they are mostly just getting on with their lives. Trouble is knowing how to ask for a bit of support without sounding like a needy pita.
I don't want to sit around discussing my situation or anything but even just a wee text to ask how it's going would make such a difference to how i am feeling.
Thanks again for replying flowers

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy Mon 24-Apr-17 15:41:35

Maybe you could subtly mention it to the 'one or two' that you seem to be closer to? Obv not in a bitchy way, more of 'I get a bit lonely sometimes but don't want to bother you guys as I know you're busy with your own lives and you've already helped so much' - and ask them to spread the word? Maybe say that you don't want to harp on about your situation but just have a coffee/catch up/find out what everyone else is up to? I have sent up a 'bat signal' before for friends who are struggling, just turns out the other friends simply hadn't realised.

PS: Does not make you a needy Nelly in any way (in my opinion), you've been through a dramatic life change and we're only human after all! They may think you've got it all handled.

noego Mon 24-Apr-17 16:05:22

You will still grieve at the ending of a relationship whether you instigated the separation or not. Everyone needs a support group to get them through these times. Be honest with your closest friends and let them know this, they should understand.

ravenmum Mon 24-Apr-17 16:05:24

Definitely normal and not about being needy at all! After almost three years I still occasionally feel a bit panicked that there is now no-one who's got my back. In my case it's not even about being lonely especially, just about being entirely responsible for everything after years as a couple.

At the time we broke up I got help from my GP and a psychotherapist. At first I felt like I was being over-dramatic or something, but they were actually both great and made me feel like it was perfectly normal to be depressed, and absolutely the right thing to be going to them for help. The psychotherapy was particularly good as I don't have many close friends that I felt I could "burden" with my "boring" problems. Just being offered medical help was oddly also a confirmation that this was a big life event I was going through. We make such a big fuss about the wedding day, then at the other end things just tail off almost without anyone mentioning it.

Hermonie2016 Mon 24-Apr-17 16:14:29

After the adrenalin of separating you often have a low time.A period of loss when reality hits.However I think this is a necessary stage as you need the "emptiness" to motivate you to start changing your life.

Going from coupledom to single life transition which can feel painful but like all change it can also be a period of growth.

Take small steps, maybe do something different this week, a new class or club.Try meetup as it's great for new groups in your area.
Also consider asking your friends to an event, theatre or something you would like to do.I'm a few months further down the line and this weekend I realised that I feel happy with my life.I am enjoying my solo time, so will you.

juneau Mon 24-Apr-17 16:24:53

Thank you OP for reminding me to send a text to my mate who is recently separated from her DH!

I'm sure what you're feeling is a natural stage. Initially I'm guessing everyone rallies round, but as the months tick by they probably think you're making a new life for yourself. I would reach out again and try to get a few things in your diary. If you've been part of a couple for a long time then adjusting to being on your own will inevitably have its ups and downs. Just remind yourself why you are separating when you get lonely. Being lonely IN a relationship is worse than being on your own. At least now you have the chance to meet someone new with whom you can be happy. But for now it sounds like what you need is a) some company and b) a few things to look forward to.

Huskylover1 Mon 24-Apr-17 20:17:32

I feel your pain sad When I was leaving my ExH, due to his numerous infidelities, some of my friends weren't seen for dust. Two friends, I had been friends with for over 20 years and I got NO support whatsoever from them. Not one fucking phone call. My closest friend actually targetted him for sex, before I had even left him. And of course he did fuck her. People can be utterly shit sometimes. Perhaps treat this as an exercise, to find out who you want to be in your new life going forward.

Huskylover1 Mon 24-Apr-17 20:19:45

And fwiw, I don't see any of them now......and regards the one that slept with him, I would open the champagne if she got mowed down by a bus.

Trustyourself2 Mon 24-Apr-17 20:42:47

Sadly, this is what happens. It's good that you've got a couple of friends who are supportive. A lot of people do just get on with their everyday lives & don't stay in touch. I'm not great at keeping in touch and don't have many friends. When my relationship ended, one of my good friends didn't contact me for 5 months, so for me that was the end of that friendship. When I was in the full throes of grief, I made a decision to stay in touch with the people who'd reached out to me and I'm sticking to that. I was so touched by family and friends who helped me through the really difficult moments, but I also had to endure a lot of heartache on my own, and that's the hardest part.

inmyshoos Mon 24-Apr-17 23:08:31

Thanks for the replies flowers

I felt better tonight. A few friends got in touch that hadn't been for a few weeks (getting paranoid they are maybe mumsnetters and saw my thread shock)
Hopefully things will start to feel better soon. I defo nedd to get out more. Have made a few plans and will try and reach out to some of my closer friends and tell them how im feeling. I just think everyone is busy with their own lives. There just arent enough hours in the day.
Fortunately husky no one has tried to get their claws into mr exshoos!! That would be awful! There is a shortage of good looking single men around here though so im sure sooner rather than later....

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