Talk

Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Do I give up?

(12 Posts)
Kmr1984 Mon 24-Apr-17 10:37:53

Hi everyone I'm new to this and I could really do with some help. My husband has a drink problem I've tried helping best I can but he doesn't want to know. I don't think I even love him anymore just resentment. I have tried so hard to make things work for the sake of the kids but I feel like I'm fighting a losing battle.Any advice??

ImperialBlether Mon 24-Apr-17 10:39:14

Unfortunately there's nothing you can do to help your husband; he can only help himself.

What's your home situation like? Would you be able to stay where you are? Do you work?

GinnyBaker Mon 24-Apr-17 10:44:07

Is there an Al-Anon group near you? (it is for families of alcoholics, not the alcoholic themselves) www.al-anonuk.org.uk

I know someone who started to go when their husband started drinking again and she said it saved her sanity.

Kmr1984 Mon 24-Apr-17 10:48:11

I'm not sure but I'll check out the link thankyou x☺

Kmr1984 Mon 24-Apr-17 11:02:32

Home life not good I have moved into the spare room because of his beer breath & snoring. We constantly argue about anything & everything with that then being the reason he needs to drink, so I ignore him cause that's another reason he finds. Just the same thing day in day out. Ideally I would move out but it's the kids/ mortgage making me stay.Plus low self esteem & depression has made me lose my friends the only person I can talk to is my mum but she's a little stuck in the past!!

Tippytappytoes Mon 24-Apr-17 11:41:19

I'm sorry OP flowers

It's a hard lesson to learn but only the alcoholic can fix themselves, everything you try and do will either enable them to carry on drinking or give them a reason to. The addiction makes them selfish.

Being a child of an alcoholic I would plead with you to remove your DC from this environment as soon as you possibly can. You do them no favours exposing them to a parent who is always drunk, it has left me damaged emotionally.

Al anon are great and I wish you luck.

Kmr1984 Mon 24-Apr-17 13:01:05

Same here my dad was a heavy drinker & the states I'd found him in a child should never see I feel I'm living my mum's life the only difference is I haven't got the strength/ money/ security she had. Thankyou for your advice x

Hermonie2016 Mon 24-Apr-17 13:06:10

Please do leave as children of alcoholics learn awful lessons.

You don't have to support an alcoholic by staying.Leaving maybe the wake up he needs.

There are ways to leave him..talk to citizen advice or a solicitor.You could file for divorce and if you have children the settlement may allow you to stay in the house.

Would he move out to family? Have you asked for a separation?

Kmr1984 Mon 24-Apr-17 14:31:28

Everytime I suggest a chat he turns it around to it all being my fault or that I've never done a thing wrong or that why can't he have a few drinks if he works hard. I've told him a couple of cans at the weekend is fine it's the fact he's using money we haven't got & drinking every night shutting himself upstairs & playing Xbox all night, leaving me to look after the kids/house/cat & helping myself through depression what's getting me down.Plus he can't seem to see what a mess he makes when he decides to eat late at night & has a go at me for complaining about it. I really have had enough of all this but would I be seen as selfish for taking the kids & leaving or telling him to go plus we've put so much into this house floors,garden etc with money lent by my mum. I don't want to have to leave if I can't afford to stay here & have all this wasted. Sorry for the essay I just feel like I need to get it all out or my heads gonna explode there's so many what ifs & buts....

AttilaTheMeerkat Mon 24-Apr-17 15:52:21

What do you get out of this relationship now?. What has been in this for you?. Did you yourself grow up seeing a parent drink too much?.

All you have done here is act out the usual roles associated with such spouses; enabler and provoker (you never forget). Co-dependency is often seen in such relationships as well and I am wondering if you are also co-dependent. Read up on co-dependency as well as contacting Al-anon. Do attend their meetings in person if at all possible as well, at the very least read their literature.

There is nothing you can do to help someone with a drink problem; your H does not want your help and you are too close to the situation to be of any real use to help (not that he wants your help and support anyway). I am sorry to write that but its fact, nothing you have tried to date has worked and it will not either. His behaviours too are likely the root cause of your own depressed state. His responses towards you are typical of the chaos you are really living in, you're just firefighting one crisis to another.

If he is indeed an alcoholic he should not be drinking at all, not even cans only on the weekends. You cannot and must not make such bargains with him.

Telling him to go or saying you want out of this marriage now is not a selfish act. You would be far better off focusing on you and your children. Seek legal advice on your situation re the house and kids and work from properly acquired knowledge, not supposition.

The children, house and mortgage are simply not good enough reasons, not even close, to stay with someone with a drink problem. It just teaches your children bad lessons on relationships and lessons that they could well go onto repeat themselves. What are they learning from the two of you about relationships?. They are learning an awful lot of bad stuff currently here?. Would you want them to have a relationship like yours now is?.

AttilaTheMeerkat Mon 24-Apr-17 15:55:56

I see you yourself grew up seeing alcoholism at home as well, its not altogether surprising that the man you are now with is himself an alcoholic.

You cannot currently fully protect your children from their dad's alcoholism. It will affect them markedly and you have certainly been affected by alcoholism.

Kmr1984 Mon 24-Apr-17 17:57:29

Wow AttilaTheMeerkat, thankyou.In fact everyone who's posted a comment thank you. I see much clearer now than I have done for years. Dam depression/low self esteem issues just constantly clouding my mind. I'm going to talk to oh when gets back from work & he either helps himself or loses me. Thanks again ladies/guys?!? Xx

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now