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Broken Up - He won't leave!(8 Posts)
It's taken me YEARS to finally end things with my OH. He's emotionally abusive and whilst we've had some good days together, it's mainly been bad and got to a point recently where I finally had the strength to end things.
We rent together, OH pays as I've been a SAHM who now runs my own business (successful but doesn't make enough to cover rent.) We aren't married, thank God, so you think it'd be easier to make a clean break.
OH moved out for about 5 days and then said he wanted to come back to see the kids - who he has never made effort with before. He has now been using that line every day of the week, and coming back after work here and taking the kids out and keeping them up late and being a Disney dad when he's never spent any time with them before. They obviously love it so I have been allowing it, but it's not doing me any good.
I'm in such a bad place mentally now that it's affecting my sleep, i'm awake all night and have headaches constantly. I feel so disrespected and as though he's just completely ignored the fact I've broken up with him. I just don't think he takes me seriously or respects how I feel enough, and thinks if he stays long enough under the same roof I'll give in. Not only that but last night he went through my phone and I've just woken up to see he's also gone through my laptop, which makes me feel sick.
For those who have left relationships like this, what are my next steps? Or any advice on getting him to take me seriously when financially he is in control? I need to see if I can get any help with rent otherwise me and my little ones will be homeless (we have no family nearby to help). But I can't put up with this any longer, i'm feeling so low.
Is his name on the lease? If not, you'd be well within your rights to stop him staying. If it's a joint lease then it gets a bit more difficult and you'll need to get some time with a solicitor.
Tell him the snooping and constant presence in the house are to stop now or you'll have to make everything formal, which may end up much more expensive for him (than coming to an arrangement between you). Try and come to an agreement, with mediation if necessary, without the courts/CMS but if he won't play ball then maintenance is the first thing you need to sort out. Look at any tax credits or housing benefit you'd be due too.
If you can't afford the current rent, even once he's paying maintenance, then you need to check the terms of the lease and start planning where you're going to go etc.
Split the week up and agree with him which of the nights are his to pick the kids up on, but tell him it's pick up from the door and drop off there too. No more coming inside until he starts respecting the boundaries.
Start with the Entitled To calculator.
Your DC's school might have a liaison to help you find local resources, help and advice on benefits.
If his name is on the lease, all might not be lost. Most landlords would prefer a stable tenant and as long as you get your ducks in a row and can afford it, they might be amenable to you changing the lease. It would probably also require ex's permission, but you could request/require that from a position of "the landlord approved, so you need to".
You need to protect your computer and phone with passwords and check he has'nt installed a key logger.
Get some legal advice quick.
If it's his name on the lease it may be you that has to leave
Firstly, is the lease in both names? Are you in a fixed term lease or is it periodical i.e. are you committed for a set time?
Unless the lease is in your name alone, not sure you can force him to leave. If lease is in joint names, you would have to get the landlord to agree to have your name removed (so you're not liable for half the rent).
Find out what benefits you would be entitled to by using the government website and also take into account he will have to pay you child maintenance.
In the meantime, put passwords on everything. Is he still trying to sleep in your bed?
Put passwords on your phone and laptop. Don't engage with him apart from on child related matters.
On school nights, let him know the latest time to bring the kids home.
Hell soon realise (hopefully), that you're serious.
Don't do any stuff you probably did before like, cooking for him, laundry etc.
He needs to see that he's not going to slide back into your life, that he's the father of your children and no more.
Don't get into arguments with him. If he tries to goad you, remove yourself from the situation without causing a scene.
If he's sitting with the kids, keep away so he realised, this isn't happy families.
Sorry Op but its you allowing this!
why don't you just ask him to pick the days he wants to collect the kids every week and stick to it. Get a new place with only your name on the lease and put a password on your stuff. And yes to visiting entitled to...
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