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Struggling marriage.... I'm not perfect and faultless but stuck

(10 Posts)
Southernfairy1986 Mon 24-Apr-17 09:01:19

I think there are too many things that have led to this point so I think a time line is best...

Left home for University
Troublesome 3 years including mild depression, loneliness etc
Met dh
Decided to stay in University city as didn't want to lose him (implication was he wouldn't move away)
Grandad became sick
Started to feel alone and isolated and withdrew into myself (I believe because any friends I had struggled to make during university left to go home for good)
Temporary job ended so was unemployed
Dh almost cheated on me
Grandad died
Got a job
Fell into depression for 18 months
Things seemed to get better, depression ended.
Bought a house although always dreamed of moving back home
Dh's contract ended and he only just managed to find work
Got engaged
Got married
Got pregnant with dd (planned)
Dh's new contract ended and he was unemployed
Dh found work after 4 months but money became a concern due to multiple losses
I went back to work after maternity leave
Got a new job to progress in my career (attempt to make myself happy)
Long working hours led to stress and job didn't provide the progression it implied
Dh almost had an affair
Dh got a new job (planned)
Dh lost his new job (I do not believe it was his fault and was due to inaccurate records)
Dh unemployed for 14 months
Dh depressed
Me depressed
Life stressful
Lacking finances and extreme budgeting
Felt isolated with little support (my parents are always there if we need them but live 180 miles away. Dh's live 20mins away and don't care for assisting with dd and were unhelpful getting dh out of his depression until I emailed to ask for help as wasn't able to find the confidence to do it face to face. Even then I felt there was limited understanding, support and help. They'd pay for things but we needed emotional help and support to find dh work, not a financial plaster)
I got another new job to try and be happy
I got dh a job at my new employer
We were led to believe by Dh's parents that when they retired, they were going to help more with dd but last week we mentioned it and they reverted and said that wasn't what they meant and actually they might just pick her up from school sometimes (that's 18 months away)

That's where I now am.
I have fallen into a low ebb and it seems to be a regular cycle. Me feeling low, trying to get through it and figure out improvements to make life better.
Life gets better for a bit and then it starts again.
I dream of moving back home and can't seem to shift it. Probably because I don't have a friendship group locally.
I struggle to make friends and don't help myself but psychological it's something I find very very hard.
Dh says we can't afford to move there and he doesn't want to as he has good friends locally.
I wouldn't want to make him unhappy like I feel but in my head I think that if we ever came into any money through inheritance or something I'd want to use it to move.
I don't like being away from my family and feel sad that I'm missing what time we have left together as parents are getting older. I would consider my sister one of my best friends and miss her and my nephews too.
Feel I am constantly trying to do things to improve life and happiness but nothing works.
I know I am too critical of my life, rather a high maintenance partner and a perfectionist. These traits are inbuilt in me now and it's not easy to change.
Plus marriage has been on and off since the almost affair and I'm struggling to move past it.
I think I have quite substantial psychological issues relating to low self esteem and self worth. I place myself at the bottom of the pile and never want to hurt other people or make them unhappy.
I need help but don't know what options I have. Do I sit with dh and read him the above.
I always communicate how I feel and why but he thinks I should just move on and find a way to get better. As long as it doesn't involve him having to move and leave his friends etc (feels like it's got to be in the realms of what he wants even though he has done several things that have only worsened the situation)

I think there is a mass of resentment that has built and built and I'm just stuck as to what I can do so that we can be happy. Will we never be happy?

User2468 Mon 24-Apr-17 10:10:15

If that were me, and I'm a bloody minded so and so, I would speak to my parents, tell them I'm struggling and I would give DH a choice: I'm moving home, you can come with me or stay but I'm going.

What's the worst that could happen? You lose a husband but have your family for support?

It sounds hard and stressful and in law's sound useless, you've stuck it out for longer than I could have done.

Changedname3456 Mon 24-Apr-17 11:43:00

"What's the worst that could happen?"

For the OP, not so much. For her husband, all day to day contact with his children. Watching his relationship with them change massively and missing out on all those moments that make having children so worthwhile.

180 miles equates to _at least_ 3 hours in the car each way (assuming the parents aren't stuck in the middle of nowhere). Traffic on motorways can add anywhere between another hour and as much as 4 hours to each leg of that journey. I know this from personal experience.

That's not to say a move shouldn't be considered, but if his MH is fragile then a move away isn't going to do him a lot of good nor, potentially, the relationship his and OP's dc have with their father.

Isetan Mon 24-Apr-17 13:17:58

It sounds like you think home sickness is the root of your unhappiness and you resent your H for your decision to stay. Has your depression ever been treated?

Southernfairy1986 Mon 24-Apr-17 13:24:36

I wouldn't go without him. It wouldn't be fair to take dd away from her dad. Yes he's not always the best parent, spends way too much time on his phone when she is trying to play with him but he loves her to pieces and it would destroy him if they were apart and dd would suffer too.
And I'm by no means a perfect parent either so it works both ways.

I think we both have MH issues of some kind.
I believe he is over his depression now and has hobbies and friends to occupy his time (although he seems to think this means he can leave any chores because he "doesn't want to spend his spare time doing things he doesn't like" - yes he said that)
He will say that he is unhappy at the moment but trying to get him to say why is impossible. He just says everything. I assume it's because we fight a lot at the moment
This is probably my doing but that's because I am frustrated at feeling like I've had to run the house for about 18 months whilst he still met with friends and had his hobby (even though we had no money I felt it was important for his state of mind to still spend time with friends so I tended to give things up)

It's that resentment again.
I feel like it's always me who gives things up. I moved away from home, he almost cheated, I take on most of the housework whilst he sees friends once a week (this is something that bugs him as he wants to see them more but doesn't seem to understand that this would impact on me especially as he can't seem to find time to do any chores as it is)
Also although his parents are financially supportive, we need more physical and emotional support which they aren't prepared to give.
We can have that from my family but we are too far away.

A lot of this is possibly explained by my MH issues as I have suffered from depression several times previously and as mentioned I am on a downward spiral at the moment which I am aware makes everything much worse than it really is.

Feels like he is still a boy not ready to grow up and I can't seem to make peace with living away from my family and making friends here.

Southernfairy1986 Mon 24-Apr-17 13:32:52

isetan I was on antidepressants last year for about 6 months (for depression and anxiety) but things improved significantly and I felt that as that period was rooted in my dh not working and the pressures and stress that caused that I was now better so I slowed down the meds and stopped them.

I don't know if I'm depressed again, anxious, stressed. It all seems to become one thing.
I know I'm not sleeping well (stay awake until late not being able to switch off) and my stress response is picking the skin around my nails so that's fairly telling. I also fainted in the middle of the night last week (going to the bathroom) which I presume could have been stress related.

I feel silly going to the docs (although he was very nice when I went) I just feel like I'm exaggerating how I feel and therefore don't really warrant being on meds as I should just be able to fix myself.
Not sure if that's a self esteem thing me thinking that maybe I don't deserve to be happy or something.
My mind spins with all this stuff and as you can see I completely over analyse my entire life.

Cricrichan Mon 24-Apr-17 13:48:18

You made the decision to stay at the uni town in order to keep your relationship. You spent years there and then had a child, making it very difficult to move. There's no point keeping thinking that you'd rather be back home when you had the choice to move back but you didn't .

So you know you're staying so look at the positives. If your DH has friends there then I'm sure they're your friends too. Maybe try and socialise and get to know them and their wives better. Invest yourself into where you live. It's wasting your life always thinking you'd rather be somewhere else etc.

If two of you work then there shouldn't be a problem paying for childcare for your DD? It'd be nice if your ILs could help more but if they don't want to then you sort your own childcare just like many people have to do. Or look at reducing hours, change careers etc.

This is going to sound horrible op and i don't mean it in a nasty way, but reading your post sucked the life out of me. Try and start looking at the positives in your life and not at the things you can't or won't change. If you can make positive changes, then start planning that.

SandyY2K Mon 24-Apr-17 14:40:43

Could you try and arrange trips home to see your family more often maybe?

Try taking your DD to local toddler groups and you could find friendly parents there to speak to.

While his parents may be closer, they are not obligated to support you with childcare and you both need to sort that out yourselves.

It seems that you being with him, was more important to you than it was to him. He was prepared to let you go back home, but love kept you there.

From what you posted he almost cheated twice. I'm sure that's got a bit to do with how you feel as well.

You need to make more of an effort to do more for yourself. Join a gym, take up a hobby.. A sport... Because otherwise, it will be very depressing for your DD growing up with parents who aren't happy.

While your DD hasn't started school, try and have her spend time with your family, her cousins, because if this marriage ends, you'll feel very isolated.

Things don't magically happen, unless you put the effort in to improve the status quo.

Changedname3456 Mon 24-Apr-17 16:07:31

Definitely make sure you carve time out for yourself and that it's not a case of he can do what he likes and you have to suck it up.

Have set days or hours that are his to chill, an equal number for yourself and some where you spend time as a couple (if you can get some baby sitting in place). If you really can't afford someone then see if you can come to an arrangement with a friend or next door neighbour etc. I had this in place with a friend so that we alternated - one week I babysat for them and they repaid it the next.

Make sure you actually do something on those days / hours that are yours. Even if it's just going for a long walk or a jog round the park. Join a rambling group, gym (if you have the money) or something else you like doing. If you're geeky, there are often games groups that meet up in pubs to play board games etc - it gets you out and meeting new people.

Southernfairy1986 Mon 24-Apr-17 18:15:12

No offence taken.

I agree that my post is filled with negatives and that is a big issue I have and something I need to overcome. It creates issues that aren't always there so then I am unable to see the true problems because I can't trust my judgement.
Dhs friend circle is niche. They are gamers who do game things weekly.
I enjoy spending time with everyone at say a wedding but neither them or their wives have much in common with me. And due to their working hours we would rarely be free at the same times anyway.
Dh isn't much for group gatherings with his friends and I think he'd rather his friends were separate from us so that they are "his".
Money is tight. Yes we both work but we don't earn much and dd in nursery 5 days a week eats up a large chunk of our funds.
That prevents any mum gatherings too as locally most are weekdays so I can't make it and weekend ones I can't afford to commit to anything other than paying per session as we visit my family or they visit us once a month.
I have recently changed career so I am now hopefully on a path that leads somewhere so we can improve our lives in the future but I know this will take time.

I appreciate all the thoughts as I know so many of my issues lie with me and not being able to let go of something that I agreed to give up but I also need to find a way to communicate well with dh and get our relationship and life back on track.

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