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Should I leave my boyfriend?(29 Posts)
I'm a long term lurker but don't usually post. But I really need your opinion right now.
My boyfriend of 2years lives 2 hours away. He comes to stay a night on weekends when I have the kids. I don't take it for granted that he will come on Fridays night, and i understand if he has other plans, so I always confirm with him before I book a sitter.
Last Wednesday I asked him (twice actually) if he's coming as he's selling his car and said he will take it to the car dealership in Saturday. He said that yes he will come to spend the night and then leave Saturday morning as usual.
Wednesday night we're talking on the phone and he mentions that his parents (who are spending a month at their vacation home, 2h drive from my house and from his house) have invited us to spend the weekend with them. So he says that he told them I can't come as I have the kids but then he tells me that since he has till Tuesday to sell the car to the dealership (quote expires on Tuesday but he can get another one) he was thinking of driving there as a last drive in his car. In my mind, I thought he means that he comes here on Friday then drives to his parents' on Saturday and then drives home on Sunday. So I didn't really discuss it with him and we talked about other stuff.
Well Thursday evening we're on the phone again and he says we still didn't decide regarding this weekend. And I said what about it. He says if he should drive to his parents as it would be his last drive there. I say just decide and let me know what you want. He says no he asks me cause I'm his partner and we decide together. I say well we're going on my weekend without the kids and you can drive my car. He says no he wants to drive his car for the last time. I say yeah go on Saturday from my house. He says no he can't do both trips on one weekend. I say (frustrated) so what are you telling me? That you won't come here after I booked a sitter? And I can't cancel her on such short notice. So what, I'll just stay home with a sitter that I can barely afford? (And he also knows that I spend my week looking forward to Friday night with him and if he doesn't come, we won't see each other for another week). So he says "fine, so I won't see my parents" and hangs up on me!
I text him to tell him not to come here, to which he replies that he won't either. So I text that this is why I don't give him my input because it always ends this way (hanging up on me when he doesn't like what I say) and that I just expect him to make a decision and stick to it when I'm planning around his decisions. Then I text that "I made other plans for Friday night so I won't pay the sitter for nothing (not that you care)". Friday he drives to his parents (we follow each other on find friends) and Friday night he texts "good night, not that YOU care". Sunday night he just texted "hello?". I haven't replied yet.
There has been other issues lately that have made me feel that although I really really love him, maybe he's not the one for me. But just based on the facts that:
1.He hangs up in my face in the middle of an argument
2.I seem to be slipping down the list of his priorities to the point that I now rank behind a car (I know that I'm not at the top of his list. He has recently changed jobs and has no flexibility to see me during the week, and has to even work on week ends when we're together and I'm absolutely fine with that and am very supportive of his career. He also has another activity that is essential for his mental health, and I support and encourage it. He openly told me that these 2 things have the priority over our time together and I told him that yes they should)
Should I leave him even though I truly love him? Or do I sound petty and entitled?
He sounds exactly like my ex. He would never commit to plans and I would always be waiting for him to confirm so I could book babysitter. Often he would just ignore me or even after he knew I'd booked babysitter I could barely afford too he would then still not confirm plans. When I got annoyed he would give me silent treatment so I wouldn't end up seeing him. The final straw was when I took my daughter to her father's house who lives in another town, and he never turned up to meet me. It was exhausting and I constantly felt confused and annoyed with him. I realised it shouldn't be this hard and if you really want to see someone you make it a priority and I never was his priority so I ended it. I think you know deep down it's not worth the hassle, you deserve better that this
I think you know what you want to do already.
He sounds childish, entitled, selfish and rude. Hanging up on someone is extremely rude; I wouldn't tolerate that from anyone.
Cigarette, he's actually starting to remind me of my own ex! I was never his priority. It makes me wonder if there's something wrong with me and the way I pick up men.
Diodati, it is extremely rude isn't it? He always does it to get out of an argument, even though I told him before that the next time you hang up on me don't bother calling me again.
You deserve to be a priority and be treated with respect! End of!
I hope whatever you decide turns out best for you, I know what I would do, everyone deserves to be happy x
I don't think you're particularly well suited & it may be time to call it a day. Make your own plans & don't make your own happiness dependent on someone else.
Reminds me of my ex too and that's one big reason why I broke it off. I felt too disposable. There are men out there who will make you their priority, you'd be better off without this one
By the time you are asking on here, the answer is usually yes
To be fair, you sound just as much of a nightmare as him. You clearly misinterpreted the original question. Your bad for misunderstanding, his bad for not explaining thoroughly. But he asked for your input/for your permission to go see his own parents. I wouldn't do that! I'd be going and saying I'm sorry I can't make this weekend and explained.
If you've been together for two years, why do you even need a sitter if he's visiting you? I also don't believe that you can't cancel a sitter at short notice. Even professional sitters I've worked with in the past accept cancellations as long as it's not frequent.
It does sound like he's been made to feel guilty for visiting his parents.
Is he 12? Sounds to me like he hasn't grown up enough for a relationship yet. If he still can't commit to or confirm plans after two years together, maybe it IS time to accept that and move forward with your life.
What AF said.
I'm reasonably new to MN but I think I've read maybe 2 of hundreds where I don't think it's time to call it a day (when the question is asked).
Thank you all so much for your replies. They do validate what I probably know already.
Tokenginger, I think he had already decided he wanted to drive to his parents, and that it's not ok to cancel on me but was letting me know to make it ok. And it wasn't about his parents, they live near him and he sees them very frequently. And I always try to see them when I visit him. They're lovely and have been nothing but nice to me. And I love them.
This trip was about the last drive in his car.
I agree with Token Ginger. I could see the road ahead the minute I started reading your text.
You both have different styles of communication which leads to these issues. He gets frustrated that's he's not being understood and withdraws by putting the phone down. My friend has recently been having a simplistic issue but things have improved after she and I talked about taking a step back and clarifying plans or discussions.
Anyway, it's a decision that only you can make and in your heart of hearts you know what you want to do.
The last drive in his car thing is just ... - I wouldn't have any patience with it. Big raspberry to it.
Thank you Delphi. The problem is if I let my heart decide, I won't have the strength to leave him. I do love him a lot and leaving him would make me incredibly sad.
So my head will need to decide. And my head currently thinks that I shouldn't accept to be treated this way.
But then there's a little part of me that thinks that we do have a communication problem and it is something we can maybe work on? I'm usually very decisive and he is very indecisive and says I'm hard to talk to, so it can take him days to tell me something, and that is after me literally asking him for 20 times what it is. I actually wish that he just makes his own decisions and just let me know in time to plan around them!
And the fact that he hangs up in my face and ignores my texts, is it just him withdrawing? Or is it actually rude and cruel and if he cared about me he wouldn't subject me to this mental torture? Me ignoring his texts right now is so out of character and and something I would usually never do.
It's been helpful to read that most on here think his behavior is not ok and a reason enough to leave. I had promised myself after my marriage broke up that I'd never be in a relationship where I'm not a priority or where I love the other person more than he loves me. I just want to make sure that my feelings are related to this relationship, and not just to baggage I brought from another one.
I think it might just be basic incompatibility. Not necessarily that he's cruel or horrid, but just that he's not on the same page as you or that he is emotionally illiterate. Either way, whether it's coming from a place of malice or from one of inadequacy, it isn't going to work for you.
What I think is really interesting is that you recognize similar traits in this boyfriend (and he sounds very much a boy) as your ex. I think that instead of wondering whether this baggage you have carried with you from your marriage you could choose to view it as a transition relationship whereby you need to figure out if you are going to keep the promises you made t o yourself when you decided that you are going to be a priority. The Priority. You completely deserve to be the most important part of somebody's plans. But it's up to you if you accept less than that. This guy has done you a favour because now you know what you don't want and you know what you have to offer someone and that's a big thing, I think.
Apart from anything else it sounds like a lot of hard work and not much in return, if you believe relationships are meant to be easy then that's what you will find.
I don't think he intends to be cruel, like my ex did. So although some of his behaviors remind me of my ex, he's definitely not the abusive and controlling narcissist that my ex is.
I think he's just indifferent and doesn't realize how hurtful his actions can be, which is probably as bad.
You wrote this post because you KNOW you should end it. He's a fucking jerk.
Will I did end it... and now I'm feeling incredibly sad and wondering if I did the right thing.
The thing is Aqua, he really is not a jerk. I wouldn't have stayed with him for this long if he was. And he's honest and I trust him completely. He just seems completely oblivious to my emotional needs and I don't think this is something that can change.
It won't change and you would have never been happy.
I am not joking when I say this - I would dump him for wanting to have a last ride in his car. What kind of shit is that?
It's a car.
Even if you tell me that he built it by hand over 10 years and it's a reluctant sale and the wing mirror is the compressed ashes of his favourite grandparent, I'll still not understand why the grand farewell drive couldn't have been to yours.
OP, he's a total cock for that alone.
As to the rest - he's tiresome, isn't he?
The 'one more drive in the car ' thing is just so errr. childish? How old is he?
Surely he has to drive it to the dealer so that's his last drive?
Anyway- even if you sort out this one, where is your relationship going? He lives 2 hours away and you see him ( I think) one night a week- Friday.
How long is this going to go on for?
Any plans to move in together? Move nearer? What do you want?
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