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Keep being let down - is it time to end the friendship?

(6 Posts)
mooneus Sun 23-Apr-17 23:36:22

So about 2 years I met this girl in a group I used to attend and we got on pretty well and started meeting up outside the group. To tell the truth I decided to make an extra effort with her because she confided in me that she had a lot of 'issues' (which I won't divulge) and didn't have many friends. I thought I was being nice and seen as we got on well it just felt normal anyway.

However she is a terrible person to stay in touch with. She rarely replies to texts even though she has read them or sometimes replies a day later. I understand things may happen but this happens more often than not and it's frustrating - especially when you're trying to make plans.

Over the years we drifted in and out of contact. Last year I started making more of a conscious effort after she told me her sisters husband had committed suicide. I invited her out to a comedy gig and we were all set to go. It was midweek and she contacts me a few hours before to say she's just checked the train times and wouldn't get there on time. This annoyed me as I thought it would be something most people would check before.

We met a few times since then. But the 2 times we were due to meet she calls me on the day to say she's been asked to work late - fair enough if she needs the money. But this weekend we were supposed to meet again and the day before I messaged to try and arrange a time. I got a message back the following day saying shes at her sisters but she will definitely meet me. So I make my way into town and wait around. I then message to see where she is and she said she is over an hour away. I told her not to bother as it was getting late. She then text to say she could meet on Friday, I am yet to reply as I don't know what to do.

What do you guys think? I have tried so many times with her but I don't seem to be getting much back in return. However I don't really want to turn my back on her knowing how vulnerable she is. Should I meet her on Friday?

Her family treat her like s**t and she keeps running back to them. I know it's none of my business but I really want to tell her to sack them off, if they don't like the person she's become it's their loss. But obviously it's her family, its not my place to say it.

TrollTheRespawnJeremy Sun 23-Apr-17 23:39:59

I couldn't be bothered with this. If she's investing her time in the wrong people even though she's aware of how shit they are then that's her business. You go make friends with somebody more reliable.

ilovelamp82 Sun 23-Apr-17 23:42:32

Sounds to me like depression and/or anxiety. I could be wrong but I would discuss it with her. Let her know if she's struggling then you can understand or be more prepared for these situations or potentially meet doing different things at different places that might make her more comfortable.

If that isn't, I would keep it more as a text/call/social media type relationship. Or only invite her to places you are going to anyway so that if she turns up it's a bonus.

MangosAndPapayas Sun 23-Apr-17 23:50:04

All friendships are symbiotic relationships. Both people get something out of it (the benefit)

In most relationships, the benefit is unequal and one person sacrifices a little bit more and one person gains a little bit more. In romantic relationships this is sometimes analysed as a giver and a taker - but in friendships it is rarely that simple.

For example A and B are old school friends with little in common now except a shared history. A became a famous wealthy actress. B is a SAHM. They stay friends because B enjoys the glamour by association with her famous friend. A likes the fact she can claim a longstanding friendship with someone who knew her before she was famous and can trust. Each gets something out of it. Bs gain is greater so she is prepared to tolerate A's flakiness.

The question here is what do you get out of this friendship?
When you see her, do you have a good time? Does she make you laugh or feel good about yourself?

Or is it more that you enjoy feeling like a rescuer? And enjoy feeling like you are helping someone vulnerable?

If you are getting something out of it, you may be willing to tolerate behaviour you don't like in return. Don't forget the texting thing may be a personality trait - plenty of people hate texting and rarely reply.

JustSpeakSense Mon 24-Apr-17 14:19:18

'Hi, unfortunately Friday doesn't suit me, hopefully we can get together to catch up soon though xx'

And then leave it, if she really wants to see you she will make the arrangements, I'm guessing she won't though.

dustarr73 Mon 24-Apr-17 16:42:19

I had a friend like this And in the end I just cut contact.I couldn't be arsed with all the last minute cancellation.ID tell her to do one.No wonder she's no friends.

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