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Views and examples of friends with benefits.

(9 Posts)
nostrings1 Sun 23-Apr-17 18:44:05

Name changed here. I recently got out of a long term relationship which was shitty towards the end (emotional abuse). I mentally detached from the relationship long before it ended. I have a friend who doesn't live where I live (half an hours drive), is 10 years younger, emotionally unavailable (he is working on himself and doesn't want to be in a relationship). Realistically we both know a relationship is not on the cards (I don't want one, two kids, stressful life at times, he is focusing on his career and trying to understand himself) and I am not looking to complicate things. He has been a good support to me over the last few months, non judgmental, lovely text based friendship with a couple of meetings.

About a month ago we met up and had a great time, fabulous sex, chatting, relaxed, just totally cool. I have quite a high sex drive and I feel I need that physicality with someone but am not into the idea of casual hook ups. I have only had 3 sexual partners, one of those was for over 20 years (my ex), on was a one night stand (and I vowed I wouldn't do that again, and one was a 6 month relationship when I was 16. I trust this guy 100%, he is a very honest, cool guy. I suggested a meet up this weekend and he has implied that he really wants too but doesn't want emotions to get in the way. I would be totally cool with a FWB type relationship. Does anyone have any examples of how this works? Can it work or am I being stupid to think that one of us wouldn't catch feelings?

Non judgemental thoughts please?

TurnipCake Sun 23-Apr-17 18:47:58

I think people often overlook the 'friend' part of FWB - if you want to get together for sex, then fine, but don't forget the friend part of it i.e. catching up over coffee, going to the cinema. Those situations have worked out better for me (and I'm still friends with them years later after sex went off the menu) than just agreeing to shag from the outset with someone I didn't know very well.

befuddledgardener Sun 23-Apr-17 18:50:11

Have you only met him twice?

I'd be happy with a FWB relationship.

noego Sun 23-Apr-17 18:50:38

When emotional connections kick in, its starts getting complicated. If you do not want an emotional connection then keep it that way, If they start to surface move on and move on quickly.

nostrings1 Sun 23-Apr-17 18:56:11

befuddledgardener: No, we had a formal relationship before when I was in a relationship, and during that time i would see him once a week (professional one, but we got on well, and became friends in a way though never crossed the line). We have met twice since then, once for coffee and once for a night of sex (which was planned like that).

We have been messaging each other a lot since my relationship ended, fun, casual stuff, nothing heavy.

BitchQueen90 Sun 23-Apr-17 19:34:56

Hi OP. I have a FWB and our arrangement has been going on for almost 3 years. We are both single parents. I have no interest in a relationship as I love the dynamic of just DS and I and I don't want to have someone else's feelings to consider. He has a very active social life and doesn't want the commitment of a relationship.

It works well for us because we are friends and we enjoy each others company. We do have sex when we get together but we also have a laugh and talk.

He lives in a different city to me. I see him a couple of times a month when my DS is at his dad's house. We usually get takeaway and chill out, or go to the pub. Casual stuff.

I have read threads from a lot of people who say emotions have got in the way. They haven't for me, although I am the type of person who thinks with my head and not my heart. If you want to give it a try then go for it.

BifsWif Sun 23-Apr-17 19:37:19

I'm married to mine!

You need to make sure you're both absolutely clear on where you stand, and if one of you starts developing feelings you need to have a discussion straight away and decide honestly where you go from there. If you don't feel comfortable doing that, you shouldn't even be considering sex with this person.

nevernotstruggling Sun 23-Apr-17 19:40:22

I had an fwb on and off from 2006-2013ish. We were never a couple and not really friends socially as in we have few friends in common. It worked for a long time in the format of meeting up, catching up, having sex and then usually chilling out for a bit then leaving. We never stayed over.
It ended because we got too close. It was actually really painful. We could have very blunt conversations because there was no fear of upsetting each other and it affecting the relationship. The last time we met I know he was waiting for me to ask him to stay the night and I couldn't do it - couldn't cross that line. In that moment we were very happy together but we knew each other too well to risk dating. I knew before he eventually left that he would leave my life for good and it felt almost like a breakup.

If I wanted an fwb in the future I wouldn't let it go on too long.

uncoolnn Sun 23-Apr-17 19:49:19

Me and DP were FWB for about 9 months before we actually got together. Obviously you're saying you don't want a relationship, but I think a FWB situation can work if you stop if/when one party develops feelings. If you're both one the same page then go for it smile

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