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Advice needed - 17 years not married with kids

(3 Posts)
user1492955727 Sun 23-Apr-17 15:07:59

Hi All,

I need advice. My partner and I have been together (not married) for 17 years and have bought a house together in 2010.

We have two sons aged 8 and 5. My eldest has ADHD which of course puts a strain on any relationship.

He was diagnosed last year and this has put a vast amount of strain on us as a family, although manageable.

The problem is that in the last 4 years our relationship seems to have been turbulent. He shouts and calls me names when he is under stress and belittles me in front of my children when he disagrees with something.

I threatened to leave last year and he said he would change. Although things did improve a great deal, it is not enough for me.

We think my partner is also an ADHDer and are now going through the process of getting him diagnosed (he is 47).

Separating has been going through my mind on and off for the last 6 months. I have no idea what my rights are.

I am an NHS worker and have received little help from their support system in that they advise what my rights are as a married couple. which we are not.

I want him to leave for a month or so but he won't.

What can and should I do?

We live over an hour away from family so I cannot just leave with the kids as this will affect their schooling etc.

It is not a lack of love on my part and he says he loves me but I cannot cope with the constant damage control between having to manage my son and him. I am of course not without fault and have my own outbursts now and then. I don't want to be in a toxic environment, especially with two children. I am really at my wits end.

Advice please?

HeavenlyEyes Sun 23-Apr-17 15:13:38

He sounds abusive tbh. I would call WA. Legally unless the house is in your name too you have few rights except to child maintenance. But a man who belittles and shouts at me would rapidly be an ex. Don't you and your DC deserve better?

BitterAndOnlySlightlyTwisted Sun 23-Apr-17 15:22:15

"Bought a house together" Does that mean as joint-tenants or tenants-in-common?

Did you put equal amounts down as deposit?

My thoughts: it sounds to me that the atmosphere in your home is toxic. Too toxic to be imposed on young children.

He might have promised to change but it seems that he's unable to. Some behaviour is so deeply ingrained or innate that it's almost impossible to just decide overnight that you're going to change and can succeed. The life you have right now is the life you will have with him in the future.

Separate. Sell up. Take your equity and use it either to fund the purchase of another home or use it for rent. You should get approx 20% of his pay as child-support and could qualify for benefits depending on the level of your own salary.

Be brave. Get your kids out of this mess before too much damage to them has been done

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