Absolutely F***ing fuming

[Ilovepeppa]

My DH of 13yrs announced to me 6 weeks ago that he had a ONS whilst on a work trip. You may have seen my last thread "do I forgive a one night stand"?

He was very sorry and quite tearful for the first10 days or so. However, now it's like he don't give a shit and acting like nothing has happened. I asked him we he's is acting like this and not fighting to keep our family together. We have two DS. I said that if I did that to him, not that I would, everyday I would tell him how much I love him and asking for his forgiveness until the day he did.

He then tried to turn it all around making out that I'm having an affair because apparently I'm always on my phone?? Fucking fuming!! He said our marriage wasn't great before and we only "put up with each other". How dare he turn this around onto me, making out that I'm the bad guy whilst he's swanning around as if he's the innocent one!!

We had this argument last night and I was awake all night crying. Why isn't he sorry anymore and acting like a complete asshole. For 6 weeks I've been trying to find a way past this.

[yetmorecrap]

Mine doesn't seem sorry either about his old quite long term EA that I only found out 4 months ago (it was from 11 years ago) he made the right noises for first few days and then seemed to think business as usual and gets agitated even if it is mentioned at all. He keeps saying are you ok? He knows full well I'm bloody not. I think you have to have an honest conversation. Does he genuinely think you just 'put up' with each other or did he just say that as a reaction because he feels embarrassed and a bit of a shit and like mine wants it swept under the carpet. If he genuinely thinks you do just 'put up' I think he is just using you and probably wants out but wants you to be the one to say so

[ineedmoreLemonPledge]

My ex used to roll his eyes and blow up about me bringing up the past. The past is the past apparently.

Which means what - he can do anything and 20 minutes later it can't be mentioned??

He's basically established that there's no risk to his marital status and that he can get right back into his groove I guess.

Sorry op.

[ImperialBlether]

I can't stand "It's in the past." EVERYTHING'S in the bloody past!

[RunRabbitRunRabbit]

He really thinks you are such a sad desperate little mouse that he can do anything and you'll still let him be your husbad.

Have you read any Chump Lady yet?

[Bleurghghghgh]

It's hard but he's showing you how little he cares. LTB and don't look back. He's had his chance to try and make things work after HIS mistake and he isn't. Get rid, the prick.

[Bleurghghghgh]

And as you kick the twat out tell him he doesn't have to 'put up' with your marriage any longer. Urgh.

[ineedmoreLemonPledge]

I love the accusations of you cheating because you are on your phone.

Well that's what a cheating duplicitous git would think. Eh?

Still better to have you stressed and proving your monogamy than him make the effort. Gaslighting twat.

[TheNaze73]

He really doesn't give a fuck. End it

[LuluJakey1]

I think if it was years ago, men will just have compartmentalised that and forgotten about it- which is what they are good at.
But 6 weeks ago, is appalling. I think whatever made him think it was an ok thing to do at the time - whatever way he found to justify it to himself in terms of his feelings about your relationship- is still in his head. He is turning it round to blame you because somewhere in his head he feels justified. He's a bit of a shit really. I couldn't forgive him.

[LuluJakey1]

You deserve much better OP

[cansu]

He can see that you have decided to accept it. He was v sorry because he thought you might leave him. Now he isn't because he has got away with it. Maybe he half hoped you would boot him out. Anyway you probably hoped he would work harder at the relationship to show that he valued you and was sorry. He doesn't think he needs to.

[DonkeysDontRideBicycles]

Sounds as if having confessed he now thinks he's immune to criticism and to add insult to injury now accuses you. Saying sorry is one thing, aided by tears to sound authentically repentant, but if after so short a time his actions say otherwise it makes me suspicious it wasn't the first time. Perhaps he secretly hoped you would panic and try to be wonder woman to distract him? As you have children I am guessing your first reaction may have been to think of them and somehow keep together but this is cruel of him.

[BitterAndOnlySlightlyTwisted]

He's an unrepentant and cruel shit. You need to get shot of him.

A decent man wouldn't have done what he did. A half-decent one would be begging your forgiveness and hoping against hope that you wouldn't turf him out, but he can't even do that. Worse, he's deflected it all onto you and is now pretending your marriage wasn't all that. What a fucking shit!

Get rid. Back his bags and send him home to his Mummy. She might be able to forgive him but I don't think you should.

[Fairweather123]

I think because you haven't told him to pack his bags/you want a trial separation/a divorce he thinks all is ok and he's forgiven. I agree with earlier poster the tears and apology at the start were because he didn't know how you were going to react.

I would keep a watchful eye on him in the future just in case it happens again, as I think he feels he's got away with it and it may make him think he could get away with it again.

[needsahalo]

He may well be having an affair - projecting his own behaviour and guilt on to you. I am 10 years post split but my ex's projection knows no limits! Take care of yourself. This really is a time to get the 'ducks In a row' and assume nothing unless you have demonstrable proof.

[LittleMyLikesSnuffkin]

My ex did this every single time he cheated. Be dead sorry but expect me to wipe the slate clean and get over it within a matter of hours. I don't know what your partner is like Day to day but my ex is abusive on many levels and cheating on me was just another way to emotionally abuse me. And yes it was all my fault for not paying him enough attention. And I was a cheating whore. Blah blah blah. Except I wasn't.

[HandbagCrazy]

A friend of mine is going through this right now. It is infuriating to witness.
Basically he doesn't want to confront the fact that he did what he did because he's a selfish fuckwit. Much easier to tell himself that the marriage was a mess before hand / that you weren't meeting his needs / that you were friends that parent together therefore what he did isn't as bad.
He also (or at least friends husband) seems to think that he has confessed and 'done his time' by being sorry for a little bit and that now he's in the clear he shouldn't have to face his actions and the aftermath again.

Call his bluff - tell him to leave. He's trying to bully you into keeping your mouth shut

[LittleMyLikesSnuffkin]

Really I'd get rid completely he clearly gives no fucks about anyone but himself. It's good you're angry btw hold on to that. Better to be angry with him for his shitty behaviour than torturing yourself like so many do in this situation. Put the blame where it belongs.

[Bluntness100]

I don't know op, the Requirement to beg for forgiveness every single day would be a bit much for many people especially if they really weren't happy in the relationship in the first place.

I think you need to sit down and talk with each other about the future and whether you wish that msrriage to continue and if so how best to do that or if not then now best to split. I would myself that he no longer wishes to stay in the marriage.

[VladmirsPoutine]

I'd tell him in a very matter of fact way that it's finished. He can join your past as well.

[c3pu]

Do you want him to apologise for it every single day for the rest of his life?

Fair enough if he's unrepentant and being a dick it's probably time to give him the heave-ho, but otherwise you need to be realistic about things too.

[kaitlinktm]

I'd tell him in a very matter of fact way that it's finished. He can join your past as well.

This definitely!

"You know how you said your ONS is in the past darling? Well I've decided that our marriage is too! No, don't go on at me about it - I've told you, it's in the past - I've packed your bags"

[kaitlinktm]

Do you want him to apologise for it every single day for the rest of his life?

Six weeks though C3pu - that's taking the piss a bit.