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Unfriended on Facebook as an adult. More painful than I thought.

(231 Posts)
user1492893618 Sun 23-Apr-17 09:17:51

Last week I was "unfriended" by a woman I've been best friends with IRL for 8 years. We were very close and I loved her lots but our friendship wasn't without difficulty. She was a good-hearted, sensitive, cheeky and funny woman. We had that kind of friendship where we'd just be texting each other silly things all day...but I soon learned she had this kind of "yo-yo" personality. One minute she'd be her normal, happy self; then at some point she'd switch and become distant. Then I wouldn't be able to get hold of her at all, any plans we made would become cancelled and I just felt pushed away.

It was clear she was fighting her own demons. When she was unhappy, communication would become poor and she'd just send these moody one-word texts or she'd backhandedly write something online, rather than confront the situation. I can't say I'm perfect either. I've always been rather anxious and wanted to keep the peace, but I think she felt like I was being intrusive. The more she'd shut me out, the more I pushed for a conversation and I guess I seemed clingy at times.

So I did something stupid. I confided in another friend (not someone she knows, but a long-distance friend who works as a counselor). I basically just wanted advice about my friend's "on/offness". It was supposed to be a private conversation on Skype, but like the total idiot that I am, I accidentally added my friend into the chat. She saw the whole thing and I was devastated. Even though I wasn't outright trash-talking, I was still discussing her behaviour in a fairly invasive way, saying things like "she tends to deal with her problems passive-aggressively, she's fickle, she's very flaky" etc. I didn't even name her, but but she guessed it was about her. She must have felt so violated.

She reacted by posting a string of angry statuses about betrayal and backstabbing on Facebook, then shortly after she deleted her account. I felt unbelievably guilty. She wouldn't answer the phone so I sent this very lengthy apologetic letter via email saying how sorry I was for hurting her and trying to explain myself. She replied saying that I didn't understand her at all and she wouldn't be able to trust me again. A week later, I still felt terrible. It was only last week she'd been so kind to me and cooked me dinner when I was feeling upset. I sent her a funny apology card to her house. She replied with a small 'thank you' but nothing more. Then she just started ignoring me completely for the next month. I thought after a while, she'd cool down, but last week she reactivated her Facebook again and unfriended me and my sister.

It's all so messy and heartbreaking. I know I shouldn't have sought advice int that way. I keep thinking about all the good times and all the things we've been through together, but all she thinks of now is the fact I'm a "betrayer", and it hurts to think all our memories are now tarnished.

Has anyone ever been unfriended like this before? Did you ever work things out?

HermioneJeanGranger Sun 23-Apr-17 09:23:31

I'm sorry you're feeling sad, but I couldn't forgive someone who'd done what you did OP, sorry.

I think you need to accept that this mistake has cost you your friendship.

onemorecupofcoffeefortheroad Sun 23-Apr-17 09:25:27

Oh dear - what a horrible situation - poor you and poor her.

If it were me I'd leave her alone - time is a healer and she may heal and be able to forgive ... or not. For now, she will need time and space to recover and I would respect that.

OnionKnight Sun 23-Apr-17 09:30:52

Leave her alone.

I don't get how you accidentally added her to the conversation, surely if it was just you talking to another friend why would you even press the button to add someone else?

Timeforteaplease Sun 23-Apr-17 09:31:47

Of course she doesn't want to be your friend any more. Who would?

OnionKnight Sun 23-Apr-17 09:32:52

Sorry I pressed send too soon.

Let alone select your ex friend and then pressing okay to add her? I'm not saying you are lying but that was a pretty unfortunate series of events.

Finola1step Sun 23-Apr-17 09:34:09

I think you now have to leave her be.

CycleHire Sun 23-Apr-17 09:35:14

Yes I tend to think you've probably blown the friendship. Definitely don't contact her any more. Maybe in time she will feel differently but you've done all you can to say sorry for now.

SoupDragon Sun 23-Apr-17 09:38:53

How do you envisage "working things out"? You basically slagged her off and gave her a thorough character assassination right in front of her.

Move on. This friendship is dead.

Giddyaunt18 Sun 23-Apr-17 09:45:19

Oh dear. There really isn't anything you can do apart from sending her a message to say sorry, explain why you had done it and leave it there. but I think it will be a long time before she can/will forgive you.

zen1 Sun 23-Apr-17 09:47:54

Have you posted about how this before (but changed the details slightly)? Either way, you need to let it go.

whoknewitwastrue Sun 23-Apr-17 09:48:40

I think you have to accept you made a huge mistake, reflect on why this happened, learn from it and move on without the friendship.

I did something similarly stupid a long time ago and lost a good friend. It was totally my fault and I have just had to do the above and learn to live it. I still feel horrible about the pain I must have caused. We all made mistakes, so me of us more than others.

Giddyaunt18 Sun 23-Apr-17 09:49:54

I did once send a text about an ex friends DC to her by mistake blush it was the worst feeling ever. They had been at my house and had rampaged through the house smearing yoghurt on the windows etc while friend ran around trying to control them. When they left I text my DH expressing my relief shall we say. I apologised and se accepted it but things were never the same. Needless to say we are no longer in touch.

WateryTart Sun 23-Apr-17 09:51:27

I'm sorry you're upset but I wouldn't forgive you.

Aeroflotgirl Sun 23-Apr-17 09:53:04

Look op, just leave it now, your mistake did cost you the friendship unfortunately. You apologised, that is all you can do, and just move on now from it. Next time be more careful.

RachelRagged Sun 23-Apr-17 09:53:45

Another who finds it odd you "accidentally added her" to a private IM

However, its done now and its not like you haven't said sorry (you sent a fun card) so I would chalk that one up as an experience not to be repeated ,, and maybe you will get your friend back , in time .

WizzardHat Sun 23-Apr-17 09:53:58

That must have been really painful for her to read. If it was me, I don't think I could forgive. She must be wondering who else you've been talking about her to as well, hence the deactivation - she'll be wondering who she can trust. Very cruel.

Only1scoop Sun 23-Apr-17 09:54:44

That would be a painful read.
Friendship is over. I'm not on FB but imagine being unfriended when you don't know why is harder than this.

SemiNormal Sun 23-Apr-17 09:55:14

"Have you posted about how this before (but changed the details slightly)? Either way, you need to let it go." - I thought this, similar to the poster who wrote a psychology evauation type of thing about a friend online, is that the one you're thinking of?

OP honestly you've done all you can. Leave it for now and maybe in her own time she will come 'round. If not then there is little you can do. FWIW I fell out with my friend who I'd been friends with over 15 years for a very very nasty thing she did. We didn't speak for about 3 years but now we're back on track.

pictish Sun 23-Apr-17 09:55:45

Deja vu.

Only1scoop Sun 23-Apr-17 09:56:06

I also remember reading about this before.

TheTabardOfDoom Sun 23-Apr-17 09:57:07

To be fair the only reason you sought advice is because you wanted to maintain the friendship. It might be possible to put this aspect to her in some way? It might be ruined forever though. I would leave it for a while and then write to her. She is flaky. It might be worth pointing out that you were not wrong there. Explain how her behaviour made you feel and maybe with examples as you have nothing to lose really.

pictish Sun 23-Apr-17 09:57:43

It's the third along the same lines I've seen.

zen1 Sun 23-Apr-17 09:58:08

Semi yes. And I read about that scenario at least twice.

NoYouDontKnowItAll Sun 23-Apr-17 09:58:18

There's not really any helpful advice I could give but you might actually be better off apart in the long run, especially if she's so up and down when you are speaking to each other. You were obviously affected by that enough to want to talk about it with someone else, so you weren't happy with the friendship altogether as it was, if that makes any sense. Hope you can move on and concentrate on different friends

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