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Just left abusive relationship - next steps re: emotional recovery

(2 Posts)
thegirlfromthehill Sun 23-Apr-17 08:56:22

I've finally left a relationship with a controlling and jealous man and would really appreciate thoughts and advice on how to help myself with my emotional recovery.

I'm OK, because truthfully, this has been a long time coming and I think this is the sixth or seventh time I have left, only to have gone back to him on all previous occasions. This time he has gone too far and I will not be putting myself or my family through that again.

I have had the most amazing support from friends, and family and even ex-DP's lovely old school pal, who found me, devastated in McDs after ex-DP had poured vitriol upon me for over half an hour last night. Ex-DP's pal was completely stunned by his mate's behaviour - perceiving him as a logical and kind person, which is the Dr Jekyll persona he shows to the world - until you live with him as his partner, when Mr Hyde comes out, screaming, time and time and time again . And I, stupidly, had only gone to McD's, to tell ex-DP, that despite it all, I still loved him and hoped we could still be friends #whataloseramI

I am staying temporarily with my best friend at the moment and am taking steps to get a place of my own for me and my kids etc etc. I have the option on a beautiful house which i hope to confirm today.

I am strong and a coper and that's good. But I am also aware that deeper down I feel the most massive sense of betrayal. The bad side of ex-DP - Mr Hyde - won the day. The good side - and me and my kids - lost out. His need to control and hurt was ultimately far greater than his need for love, care and compassion. It was clear last night that he has absolutely no sense whatsoever of the part his behaviour has played in the breakdown of our relationship - everything was my fault, and much of everything was his own version of the truth and not what actually happened at all. It was like talking to a madman.

So how do I help myself to get through this? I plan to jog as much as possible, throw myself into work, take me and my sons on holiday if I can afford it, and see as many friends as I can, old and new throughout the summer and generally do stuff that ex-DP's stupidity and controlling tendencies have stopped me / us from doing
But - we used to go to a lot of places together, and he was a great talker - when he was on good form, no one could touch him, and I know I am going to miss this, and I am starting to feel so angry at him for it.

Also - practical note - I still have possessions large and small in his home which I plan to move into my new place as soon as poss. Any advice / dos and donts where this is concerned please?

Finally, I work and have a great job, but it is part time (4/5) and relatively low paid. Ex-H has the child benefit because DS2 lives with him for the majority of the week. I know that I am going to struggle to be able to afford a place on my own for me and DS2, but I have to do this for him and me. Any advice re: poss financial support would be gratefully received too.

I already pay nearly 25% of my monthly income towards supporting DS2 as ex-H, who earns much more than me, is very mean with money and DS2 would go without new clothes etc often if I did not step in and buy them for him. Then getting ex-H to pay his 50% contribution towards these costs can take weeks.

AttilaTheMeerkat Sun 23-Apr-17 09:02:33

I would enrol on Womens Aid's Freedom Programme asap as this is for those who have been in abusive relationships. He is going to take you an awful long time, perhaps years even, to recover from.

Re the possessions can you manage without these?. How difficult is he going to be about these being collected?. If you really cannot manage without these then I would arrange for a friend or other family member to collect these for you.

I would also seek legal advice if you have not already done so re DS2 and the finances.

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