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Bored in Long distance relationship(16 Posts)
Just that really. Been together 5 years he's lovely in every way. We see eachother every weekend and I'm bored to tears.
Every weekend we follow the same routine. We go the same places. Nothing is exciting. He's totally happy with that and his only desire is to spend time with me.
I have suggested sometimes having a weekend to myself and us not being together and have done this a few times but I know he feels sad and hurt that I don't want to be with him at every opportunity.
I work ft and have 2 DC at home so getting away isn't easy although i did initiate this a few months ago and we had a weekend away and have got a 'going away fund' for future weekends but i know it'll be me that has to initiate anything else. He just never suggests anything himself and is always happy to go along with what I suggest. I guess working ft leaves me with just weekends to do everything else but I can't because we have to do couple stuff which atm that just means being at eachothers house, a trip out somewhere like National trust (we both like gardens) and then cooking tea, watching tv till bedtime.
Sex is regular but very predictable and i suppose I'm not feeling that attracted to him.
I find myself not looking forward to spending time together which I feel bad about and really thinking about what it would be like to be on my own. I'm totally not interested in the thought of anyone else I just want some space.
I dont know if I've passed the point of no return with our relationship.
The long term plan is that I move to be with him with my youngest goes to uni but that's 5 yrs down the line. I can't see this lasting another year though.
It will break his heart he is such a good kind man. I know he would do anything to hang onto me and if i broach the subject he will be hurt and very upset (it will be tears from him which i find disconcerting).
I am so confused about my feelings I don't know what to do. Has anyone else been through similar? I know how black and white it seems on the face of it so I will expect the general consensus to be that I need to end it.
For context we are both late 40s.
You're right, you do need to end it. It's not the distance, you just don't feel the same for him anymore. I doubt being together all the time would change that, it would only make it more obvious.
I would go completely mental if I had devote every weekend to being with someone. Don't your kids have activities at the weekend that mean you are running round after them as well? Your post makes me feel suffocated.
I agree with Aquamarine, I think being together full time would only magnify the issue, which is really his passivity and neediness. It's a shame but there it is.
Bin him off. You're worth more than this. It's not the LTR making you feel like this, it's the boredom
I had this (only not quite as bored). But I changed my job, so I now work most weekends and have lovely days off to myself in the week. I find I actually appreciate my OH much more when I don't see him every weekend (we did have to have a long talk about the days spent indoors and in front of the TV, so he knew how I was feeling).
So can you try having a good talk and getting some time off to yourself (and with your kids!)? He may, like my OH, appreciate the problem and want to change things. Or he might just stick with his old ways, in which case you knew you did everything you could, and then leave.
What do you get out of this relationship now, what has kept you with this person for the last 5 years?. This will be your life indeed with him for the next 5-10 years as well.
I would be wary of calling him both a good and kind man if he can get actually get so upset and use tears at the thought of you leaving him. He has really made no effort at all here has he, you are doing all the work here. Are you really each other's fallback people?. Why is your relationship bar so very low that you have tolerated this from him at all?
I can see what he is getting out of it; time away from the drudgery where he lives (its not a farm is it?) and with an undemanding woman who puts up with the same old weekend routine every weekend from him. He does not have to apply any effort whatsoever.
I think being a bit dull and kind and obvioulsy caring about you is what plenty of women are ok with, but clearly it bores you and you feel "obliged" Obligation is not sexy and maybe its just time to admit it and call it a day. Out of interest , why couldnt he have moved nearer or in with you?
If you do split up with him do you think you might regret it or feel relieved?
Are you bored with the monotony and routine every weekend or have you just gone off him?
Is he the kind of man that is open & willing to do other activities at the weekend that are affordable e.g. instead of national trust property visit go theatre or cinema or day trip out and try different restaurants. If money is tight and you plan ahead you can find affordable things to do. Maybe this would wake something up in him to try other stuff.
I'm just making a few suggestions to help your thinking. Ultimately you know in your heart what is best for you.
Good luck xx
Thanks for all these very valid comments it really helps to have someone else reflect back to you the current situation through unbiased eyes. Albeit in very simplified terms.
I broached the subject with him this morning about maybe us finding a hobby or interest that we could both do at the weekends as i felt this was a positive way of gently telling him i need more out of our time together. As expected he immediately honed in on me not being satisfied with the way things are and that ultimately that means I'm unhappy with our relationship. He is not unhappy with the way we spend time together but if I think it will help he is willing to try new things although clearly he's leaving that down to me to initiate because, in his words, 'its me that feels the need for something different '. There were no tears as such but it was close.
He has gone home now and I think when he went to the loo before he left, he got a bit tearful. He went earlier than usual probably because of what I've told him this morning. I really did try to reiterate that i think it would be really good to socialise with other people instead of being in this little bubble all the time.
I don't know, I'm trying but not getting alot back.
Money is tight so it would have to be something like a walking group or rambling. My DCs are teens so they don't ever want to come out with us even if we suggest somewhere they'd like but yes I do sometimes have to ferry them about. Yesterday DC had a trip to a theme park so I had to drop early and pick up late night. But we had plenty of time together in the day.
Yes you are quite possibly right Attila about the escape from drudgery at home. He has DCs living with him too.
I'm off to see my sister in a bit to have some much needed female company.
I felt a big sigh of relief that he went home early. I know that's not good but i do think alot of the way I'm feeling is because i need space at the weekend to do my own thing.
So who's looking after his kids every weekend?
Why have you only suggested doing a hobby together at the weekends? What you want is more time to yourself. This doesn't achieve it. And it puts all the work of the new hobby on to you.
It comes down to personalities - different ones.
He wants familiarity of routine and not doing new things. Some woman out there will love it. But it's not for you. You like to get out and do stuff, go places, meet people.
In effort to keep you happy and keep you, this man could make a note to suggest a weekend away Location once a year, be prepared to find a new hobby to try every two years... but even if he did all that, he'd still have the same personality. You simply wouldn't both enjoy it.
I was married to a man who did fit my personality.
I am now engaged to one who does. We had 2 days child free over Easter. He texted "up for going away in the camper van?" I replied "yes! Do you fancy kayaking on River ...?"
and he said "sounds fun - beach walk the day after?"
I think you fit in with him and with me. You like to just experience stuff - and don't like to be the only one driving it.
There's another man out there who will be avidly checking the weekend away fund with you. And if it takes a while to find him, no matter, you'll be having fun arranging stuff on your free weekends single.
Bottom line, this man just isn't for you. And if the LD element has done anything, it's allowed you to ignore that for a while.
Get out there - life is waiting for you - and it isn't on his TV!
Why are some of you being so hard on this bloke and using terms like 'bin him off' ? They've been together 5 years not 5 months so I'd hope op, if she ends it will do so in a kind and respectful manner. Also I have to point out that you said that as soon as you suggested a shared hobby he interpreted that as you not being happy with the relationship.
Well...he's right isn't he?
I don't think anyone would say "bin him off" if he were in ear shot
It's just short hand for being of the opinion that the OP should end this. I don't think anyone is suggesting she should be cruel.
I'm very about the tears. Although I appreciate the whole "men have feelings too" argument, I agree with the Baggage Reclaim site that my experience is the type of man who brings on the tears regularly ( normally when Not Getting His Own Way) is emotionally dubious.
Unless the op is screaming insults in his face about what a boring loser he is, I think they're a way of shutting down any responsibility to emotionally contribute to this interaction
it's like he sees the OP as a reliable Mummy figure who organises a "holiday weekend" for him with guaranteed sex thrown in.
He's not sad because he's made the OP feel unappreciated and wants to make amends - he's sad because the whole sweet "cheap weekend away being looked after without having to make any effort" deal might come to an end.
When I think of the people who j know care for me, if I had a conversation about how X was making me unhappy ( I'm fairly low maintenance generally so this wouldn't be frequently) they'd be mortified and rush to see what they could do to change things.
Not resentfully cry and then go "well it's you who is unhappy so YOU sort it out" And of course, because he's been "forced" into doing X out of his comfort zone he'll be entitled to sulk until he can get back to the TV routine.
Feeling any sexual attraction to someone who behaves like this is unnatural.
I don't think this is a relationship, I think he's only considering his own feelings here.
Despite the tears he'll be straight on the hunt for another woman to emotionally leech off given the chance.
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