Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

How do you live together?

(52 Posts)
whatsmyname2017 Sun 23-Apr-17 08:30:32

My STBXP and I are still living in the same house. Our house is going on the market next week. I can't afford to move out and still pay half the mortgage. I could just about scrape the whole mortgage together if he moved out but he says he will only do this if his name is removed from the mortgage. I will ring the bank tomorrow but, from what I read, I have zero chance of the bank agreeing as they will say my salary (even with tax credits) is way too low.
So, how do you cope having to share the same house? He swings between being angry and horrible to being sarcastic and horrible. We have to try to avoid each other in the house. I no longer cook for him or do his washing but even that makes paying for food complicated as we have 2 DC. Weekends are the worst and I just try to get out with the kids as much as I can but we still share a car too (which is another complication).
To add to the stress, its highly unlikely our house will sell quickly (if at all) so we could be stuck in this situation for a LONG time sad

WeeMcBeastie Sun 23-Apr-17 11:15:46

It's bloody hard! I had to endure 9 months of living like this with my EXH. He behaved in exactly the same way, fortunately my DCs were 17 and 16 at the time so I was able to spend most weekends out of the house. He eventually started on them though and I had to drive home one evening to console my daughter after he'd shouted and screamed at her. I asked him at this point if there was any possibility that he could move out, he initially said no but then informed me that he had found a bedsit and would be moving out. Could you suggest this? He also agreed to pay the mortgage until the house sold and I took on all of the other bills. I thought my house would take a while to sell but it was only actually on the market for 9 days and we got close to the full asking price. My ex was totally unreasonable (still is) but even he could see that living in that situation was horrible for everyone. If you do have to endure it, just stay away from him as much as you can. I can honestly say that it was one of the worse experiences of my life but I'm so glad now to be free of him and much happier. Focus on the future, it won't be like this forever. smile

whatsmyname2017 Sun 23-Apr-17 11:22:18

#WeeMcBeastie thanks for sharing your experience. I guess there is just no easy way around this. He refuses to move out unless I take his name off the mortgage so unless he changes his mind further down the line, looks like we're stuck. I'm going to ring our mortgage provider tomorrow anyway just to see if there is anything at all we can do.
Can I ask why you lived separately for 9 months before selling? I've also thought about renting the house out but we owe my parents a lot of money for the deposit and this can only be paid back if we sell.
I guess I'm gonna have to just grin and bear it and pray the house sells quickly!

BG2015 Sun 23-Apr-17 11:27:26

I also lived with my ex for 3 months, it was awful. He moved out to live with the woman he mat 3 weeks after we split.

He used to whistle so that I could hear how happy he was, he never whistled previously. What a dick! He was absolutely vile. My boys ( he wasn't there dad) were older so I used to tell them to stay in their rooms and I'd go to the gym quite a bit. Luckily we had a large enough house to live separately.

When he left he paid the mortgage for another 6 months then stopped. I had to get 2 lodgers in to make up the shortfall of his half of the mortgage. The house took 16 months to sell. It was a nightmare.

The only positives from it was that I lost quite a bit of weight through stress.

whatsmyname2017 Sun 23-Apr-17 11:39:24

#BG2015 - wow your ex sounds like mine. He often tries to make out he's 'overly happy' but then the next minute he is ranting and raving. At least you had 6 months of grace, I can't even see me getting that. Can I ask why your house too so long to sell?? That;s the bit that worries me.

BG2015 Sun 23-Apr-17 12:27:19

We had bought a new build together and new builds lose money apparently. I had put a large deposit into the purchase (he only paid the £1k deposit) luckily my money was protected and he only ended with £2k out of the sale. Hence why he stopped paying the mortgage, he knew he was getting peanuts.

But I ended up out of pocket as I had to reduce the house quite a bit.

I shall never be financially linked to a man again. My DP lives with me now and pays me rent.

whatsmyname2017 Sun 23-Apr-17 14:25:27

#BG2015 I now wish I hadn't asked! I'm in exactly the same boat. Its a new build and only been in it 8/9 months. I can't afford to drop the price by much as we owe money for the deposit!!

user1489780837 Sun 23-Apr-17 15:07:37

Hi whatsmyname2017

Really feel for you. I am in a very similar situation to you. He is so unbearable, can't stand being anywhere near him. I keep my exterior calm ( 99% of the time ) but underneath I am so furious and cross! He already has a new girlfriend, situation is complicated.
House in both names, not married but he won't leave or sell unless he gets 50/50 whereas I'm asking for 70/50 as the children would be staying with me. He has become a horrible, nasty man.

Sorry for using your post for sounding off, hugs to you

BG2015 Sun 23-Apr-17 15:44:14

My exP set me traps to see if I'd gone in his wardrobe (which I did), he gave me a list of things he'd paid for in the house and planned on taking with him. He was a total and utter bastard. He was totally money driven and left paying is half of the mortgage until the very last minute - it was a mind game to him. I always used to say to him if we ever split you will be vile - he was. We were together 6 years.

He's marrying his girlfriend next month - this will be his 3rd marriage.

I might have lost £30k but it was money well lost to get rid of him.

isitjustme2017 Sun 23-Apr-17 18:43:33

#BG2015 god he sounds like my stbxp. He also wrote a list of things he had bought for the house as money has always been a huge issue. OMG I definitely can't lose £30k!!!

#user1489780837 sorry you're going through the same thing. Can't believe your dp has a new girlfriend while you're still living together. Maybe if things get more serious with her he will leave - can't imagine she will be happy at him staying with you!!

user1489780837 Sun 23-Apr-17 19:18:46

isitjustme2017 -thank you, I can't believe I'm going through it!.... He tells me he will be staying here until my youngest is 18..... 13 years to go! I'm not sure how long OW will wait for. He usually keeps his phone under 'armed guard' but the other day I spotted a message and OW was calling me a stupid cow!

whatsmyname2017, hopefully you can sit tight and a buyer will come quick at a great price, fingers crossed for you smile

WeeMcBeastie Sun 23-Apr-17 19:43:04

What's my name - Yes, he refused to agree to sell initially telling me that he wouldn't agree to sell or for me to divorce him. He was very controlling and his original plan was to live in that set up until the youngest DD went to uni. That would have been for 3.5 years. I was trapped because the marital debts were more than the equity in the property so despite having a reasonably paid job (teacher) I couldn't get a mortgage on my own or move out and rent because I wouldn't have been able to keep up repayments on credit cards etc. He wanted 50/50 splir of the house too (hence why he wanted to wait until both DD were over 18) which I was adamant he wasnt entitled too. I think the only reason that he agreed to move out in the end was that the woman he had been having a long term affair with (he still denies this even though they are getting married in a few months) issued him with an ultimatum. Even after he had moved out, I still had to wait another 3 months before he would agree to divorce and selling the house. The only reason he did this was because he sent our oldest DD a text meant for the OW that contained enough incriminating evidence. Even then he refused to let me divorce him for adultery and it had to be unreasonable behaviour. I didn't care by that stage - I just wanted to be free of him quickly. Maybe you could encourage him to meet another woman? grin

WeeMcBeastie Sun 23-Apr-17 19:49:07

Some of this behaviour is so childish. I thought my EXH was bad fighting over CDs because 'he had been the one who placed the Amazon order' but setting traps!! hmm
I will never forget my parents in the same situation; my Dad would tell my mum that she had stepped over into his half of the house and reply with 'rhubarb, rhubarb...' every time she spoke to him. That was a long 3 months! He met another woman and moved in with her. My sister and I were 13 and 10, we laugh about it now but it was awful at the time. I was determined that my DD weren't going to see that sort of behaviour and I tried my best - not easy with my Scottish temper! grin

whatsmyname2017 Sun 23-Apr-17 20:05:30

#user - my god, how do you do it? How can he possibly want to stay for another 13 years?? I hope this hell ends for you soon!!!

#WeeMcBeastie - sorry but I did lol at the 'rhubarb rhubarb' comment. I'm sure it was far from funny at the time. I suppose I should be grateful we're not having to stick to certain parts of the house or anything like that. Glad you are now free of all this!

user1489780837 Sun 23-Apr-17 20:43:42

Whatsmyname2017- really don't know how I do it but just do it. I'm
Squirrelling money away for me and my children for our next chapter. I just make sure that I give them lots of love, attention, time and fantastic days out to build memories of us 3. He tends to sit and watch television or be on his phone. He goes out to 'visit his friend' in the evening.... What does annoy me though is when he's with us all he does is text the OW, I tell him " when your with us ( more so the children) pay attention to us, concentrate on your children, interact with them" his response "just shut up will you"

Oh well, that's up to him what memories he wants to create. The children always say" daddy is always on his phone"

whatsmyname2017 Sun 23-Apr-17 20:55:58

#user - that is awful. He will end up with no relationship with his kids which is the sad thing. Mind you, sounds like you're definitely better off without him. My stbxp doesn't do all that much with the kids tbh. I'm the one who takes them out all the time, even if its just to the park. I actually hope that when we can eventually live separately, he will actually be a better Dad and make more effort when he has specific times with them.
He has actually calmed down today and not given me any grief. They are coming to take photos for the sale of the house tomorrow so now trying to detach myself from this as I'm gutted we're having to sell it.

user1489780837 Sun 23-Apr-17 21:38:43

I'm pleased that today hasn't been to bad for you but so sorry that you have to sell your home.
If you have no luck with the bank tomorrow I hope you get a buyer quickly.
How old are your children? How have they been?
I think your doing the right thing by being with them and having nice times at the park together. This will count and mean a lot in the long run.
How are you feeling? Has this been a sudden decision or has it been coming for a while?

whatsmyname2017 Sun 23-Apr-17 21:59:45

#user my children are 9 and 3. The 3yo is too young to know anything but 9yo is actually ok about it. He's a sensible lad and knows we argue a lot so he's actually been fine. He's just disappointed we have to leave the house.
I'm feeling ok. I have my good and bad days. We've been together 15 years so its all very weird. Its been coming for a long while to be honest. He's not treated me very well over the years but I've always found a reason to stay (had no friends when moved here, then didn't want to be single parent etc etc). I should have left him years ago and suppose I must just be at a stage in my life where I think I deserve some happiness! I'm just annoyed that I didn't decide that before we bought this bloody house.
How long have you been going through this?

whatsmyname2017 Sun 23-Apr-17 22:01:54

Oh and my good day didn't last. I got a message from him saying I better not be seeing anyone else otherwise he will come 'gunning for me'...... he'd love to think none of this is his fault.

user1489780837 Sun 23-Apr-17 22:40:26

Whatsmyname2017...... what are these people like! Trying to shift the blame! People just don't care about how there words can make other people feel.

I'm pleased that your 9 year old seems ok. I suppose it'll be just talking through each stage as it comes.

It must feel daunting for you. I feel for you.

I've cried many tears. I cry mainly for my children and future experiences. They won't have their mum and dad their together when there's a special event for example.

I don't know how they're going to feel when they find out how they're dad has behaved towards their mum.

Makes me so sad x

whatsmyname2017 Mon 24-Apr-17 12:33:41

#user how long has this been going on for you? Its this middle stage where I feel in limbo. A clean break would make things much easier.

I had another slap in the face today when I rang the mortgage company to find out it will cost £5k to end our fixed rate mortgage early!!! House goes on the market tomorrow and we'll be lucky to get anywhere near the asking price as it is, never mind with another 5k on top!

Nothing is ever straightforward!

user1489780837 Sat 29-Apr-17 22:55:25

Hi whatsmyname2017

Just wondering how your week has been?

Sorry to hear about the early repayment charges on your mortgage, how frustrating


kiwiquest Sat 29-Apr-17 23:51:43

Maybe talk to a mortgage broker rather than the bank/lender They maybe able to help with a better deal especially if you are planning on buying another property for you and the kids.

whatsmyname2017 Sun 30-Apr-17 07:53:29

#user - its been up and down. The house went on the market on Tuesday and he was awful to live with, being angry with the kids and horrid to me. Thankfully he seems to have mellowed now and has been OK.
Surprisingly, in the short time its been on the market, we've had a couple view twice (and apparently will be making an offer) and another viewing so things are looking a bit more positive on the sale.
#kiwi - thanks but I've decided to leave this. When I spoke to the bank they said, as its on the market it wouldn't make sense to take his name off as its a long winded process and costs money and if the house sells, a waste of time.
The early repayment charge drops at the end of September too so if the house take a little longer to sell, that is one good thing.
Just have to grin and bear the next few months.
Thank so much for all the support on here!!!

user1489780837 Sun 30-Apr-17 09:49:55

Pleased that you have had early interest in the sale of your house but sorry to hear that your week has been up and down due to stbexp.

Would it be helpful for you for any sale to go through after the end of September just so you don't have to pay those early repayment charges or would you just prefer to get out of the living situation?

I find the weekends worse as he is around, I'm already looking forward to Tuesday when he will be back in work.

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, watch threads, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now »

Already registered? Log in with: