Talk

Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Just me? intimacy

(26 Posts)
user1492898659 Sat 22-Apr-17 23:17:47

Hello

Looking for some perspective and advice. Maybe it should be a aibu.

Some background, we have been together 8 years, we got together young, no children yet but we are getting to this crossroad in our lives. However, I think we have an important issue to deal with first, there is almost no passion and intimacy.

When we first got together the sex was frequent and incredible, it is still good but it is now about once a month at best. I gave up trying to initiate sex, as I realised after a few years I had never really successfully initiated sex and the rejections were starting to really hurt. Is this fairly normal? I have asked if we could make love more and if there was anything I could do to help, but I'm told this is normal and happens to everyone. sad

As much as I would love for us to dtd more frequently (once a week yes please!) the unique closeness it brings between us is very special.

BUT sadly that isn't the worst part, I can't remember the last time I was kissed passionately, a peck is as good as it gets. I know I'm not expecting to be jumped on when I get home from work (although it would be nice), a lovely hug would suffice or some kind words.

Almost all hugs and kisses are started my me, if I'm honest I feel like flat mates, I've said this but it's brushed off.

So today, I tried to have a snuggle on the sofa but the iPhone is too much competition, not much was said for the rest of the evening. We went to bed and I didn't even get a good night, just faced the other way and fell asleep. Normally I at least give a hug and a kiss before bed, but if I don't try nothing happens. When I say this I get called needy. Wtf seriously.

No one is cheating or cheated, and this is an average day. I'm clean and look after myself.

I've tried to make her feel special in the hope it would kick start some feeling, but it doesn't.

As we got together at a young age I'm not sure if indeed this is normal as I told?

Sorry for the long post but it's kinda making me sad and I'm not sure I can carry on like this, as silly as it sounds, I want to feel special.

Mrskeats Sat 22-Apr-17 23:26:03

I don't think it's normal no. And you deserve to feel special. I would think v carefully about whether this is how you want your life to be forever.
For comparison we are early 50s and dtd three or four times a week and are always affectionate with each other. Hugs and holding hands are important to me so I know what you mean. Time for a big think

Aquamarine1029 Sun 23-Apr-17 09:13:50

I'm sorry you're going through this. It's not normal, it won't change, and this is not how a relationship should be. You really need to end this, especially before you have any children. Then you would really be stuck.

User39912014 Sun 23-Apr-17 09:38:57

I'm sorry you're going thru this OP but maybe her sex drive isn't as high as it used to be?
If you can't deal with the no intimacy then maybe it's best to just call it a day.

Hermonie2016 Sun 23-Apr-17 09:48:50

Not normal.Its very invalidating of your feeling to be told you are being needy.

I think affection is very important as it's the difference between being flat mates or in a relationship.
How old are you? Don't settle.What or who was right for you at 20 isn't the same at 30.

Zaphodsotherhead Sun 23-Apr-17 09:54:41

Not normal but horribly common. My OH believes that once you are past the 'courting' stage then holding hands, kissing etc is just 'showing off' and pointless. Really doesn't understand the need to feel 'wanted'. How do her parents behave towards each other? If they are very 'hands off' then likely it is her normal and how she's learned to be. Will she discuss it?

Changedname3456 Sun 23-Apr-17 09:56:34

It is very unlikely to improve, particularly if you have children. So, if the relationship is making you unhappy now (and what you describe isn't something I'd want either) then you have to end it, she's not the right person to have a family with. Let her find someone she's more compatible with and you will be free to do the same.

On that note, are you sure the cold shouldering isn't about her trying to end the relationship passive-aggressively? She may want out too but want you to be the bad guy and/or doesn't have the bottle herself to just leave. Ask her if she's happy.

user1492898659 Sun 23-Apr-17 14:25:19

Thanks all, it's really appreciated.

We are 29 and 30. I hadn't really thought of her parents relationship before, theirs is very similar although they argue a lot and we rarely argue ever. There is no way I'd want to end up like them.

Thinking back, I remember talking about it before, maybe a year ago. I explained I still feel the same way about her now as I did when we first met, and when asked I got a well relationships don't stay the same responses.

Maybe I've been blind, I'll try to talk to her this evening.

Thanks again.

MissBel12 Sun 23-Apr-17 21:18:14

I don't think this is normal, especially considering you're so young and have no kids yet. Myself and my husband have quite different levels of sex drive to eachother- after almost 7 years together he still wants it a few times a day!!! grin I'd be happy with twice a week... we comprise so it's about 4/5 times a week and we're in our late 30s.

You shouldn't have to put up with it, as closeness and intimacy is a very important part of a relationship, but I wonder is she depressed or stressed in some way? Of course, if she thinks nothing is wrong then it would be very hard for you to bring any of this up as she may not realize it. She's right in saying relationships don't stay the same... but what they need to do is change, evolve and grow, and that takes effort from both people to make them work.

What you could do is focus on romance instead of putting any pressure on her- do fun things together, weekends away, even adventure sports- anything to get the spark going again without her actually realising, at if you take the focus away from the sex it might naturally lead back to it again.

LellyMcKelly Sun 23-Apr-17 21:38:41

Can you put up with having sex just once a month (if you're lucky) for the rest of your life?

mumsonthelash Mon 24-Apr-17 00:15:38

It's hard to say what the problem is without knowing your relationship.
From my own experience the reason I wouldn't want sex was when I felt emotionally ignored or rebuffed when I tried to voice any worries and concerns I had.
Are you emotionally supportive? Do you appreciate her? Do you tell her?
These are the things that would make me feel close.

Obsidian77 Mon 24-Apr-17 00:26:32

Relationships do change, but the important thing is that both partners are happy with those changes. It sounds as though she is rejecting you and not communicating why this is, no wonder you are unhappy.
You're young and don't have kids. You need to be asking yourself the hard questions about why you would want to stay in this relationship.
Is she on the pill? Some methods or birth control can ruin a woman's libido. Or as other pp's have said, is she stressed or depressed, could she feel that you are not emotionally supportive?
If she just isn't interested in you any more, it's going to be hard to hear but better now than a few more wasted years.

TheNaze73 Mon 24-Apr-17 08:02:46

Sex & money are the two biggest reasons for relationship splits. Can see why in this scenario.
You're young & free to do what you want to do. This won't get better. Bin her off & find someone with a normal sex drive

ShatnersWig Mon 24-Apr-17 08:22:21

Get out now. Been there, done that, got the t-shirt. Never again. I've been single for 7 years but it's preferable to lying next to someone who supposedly loves you but won't show it.

tumpymummy Mon 24-Apr-17 09:11:12

Who's to say what is normal? The important thing is that you are both happy in the relationship. Which in your case appears not. Talk to her! To be honest hubby and I hardly ever dtd now. We have been together 25 years and have 2 kids. I think it's very easy to fall in to the habit of not having sex so that then it's hard to restart. We do it maybe once a year now! However we are both happy with that and are secure with each other, knowing we both love each other. We are not particularly affectionate with each other, but we do respect each other. We have kids already. But do you want kids? I think you both need to sit down and talk. But maybe not at home. Take her out for a nice meal and woo her!?

yetmorecrap Mon 24-Apr-17 12:09:51

Tumpymummy, good to see someone admit to being married a long time, not having a rip roaring sex life but still being ok, I sometimes get the impression that us women are expected to feel up for it until we die! Fair enough if some do, but many do not and yet are still ok in marriages

Prawnofthepatriarchy Mon 24-Apr-17 12:35:13

It wouldn't make me happy, and it's not making you happy. A dismal sex life at your age - and before any children - is, well, dismal.

Sorry, I think you're going to have to get out there and find someone else.

HarmlessChap Mon 24-Apr-17 12:49:41

DW and I are currently coming out of a much worse phase in our marriage and late 40's.

We went through a 2 year absence of sex having only DTD a few times a year in the preceding years. The sex was incidental to the lack of intimacy, DW didn't notice and was not bothered, I raised it several times and it got better for a few weeks then reverted back. Eventually I brought matters to a head by saying that I didn't want to stay in an affection-less marriage and that I didn't see us being together in a few years time.

We started communicating much better, we have established what each of us needs from the relationship, and it is different. We are both making efforts to fulfil the other's needs and wants, so we are both changing in order to make those efforts.

It is working, we are both happier and what had become a vicious circle of resentment has gone. We do need to keep things going but affection is daily now and sex is probably 4 times a month which great, we both enjoy and the more affectionate we are the more we want to be and the better the sex is.

If we manage to continue on this path then all is good and we neither of us want the marriage to end, so I think we have got a very good chance of keeping it going.

yetmorecrap Mon 24-Apr-17 12:57:40

good to hear that Harmless Chap. I think the vicious circle is a killer and sometimes unspoken resentments/suspicions etc. In my case it was unspoken suspicions I kept for 10 years. Turns out I was correct but I so wish I had created a rumpus at the time. Instead I made it miserable for me and miserable for him too without him knowing really why I was as I was! For the OP, I think you are too young to have this scenario, I certainly didnt feel like this until in my late 30's and post kids.

Itsgonnabealright Mon 24-Apr-17 13:10:02

Hi OP - I think it's really important to address these issues. Everyone is different, has different needs and sex drives etc but all marriages need to be worked on. To give you some perspective, I have been married 12 years and my DH wants, nearly demands, sex every other day. That's his compromise, according to him, as he'd prefer daily sex. Myself, I would prefer once or twice a week, on average. On the other hand, I crave more intimacy and affection that isn't related to sex and I don't feel I'm getting that. You know, some hugging and kissing or even hand holding. Of course the sex changes when you've been together for a long time, but if both partners care and make an effort it can still be very nice.

It is easy to get stuck in a rut and take one another for granted. Talk about it and explain how you feel - put it as a compliment to her, you are still very atttracted to her and desire her affection. It will not get easier if you have children, trust me. Better try to get to a situation where both your needs are met now.

mdocman1969 Mon 24-Apr-17 14:48:05

This isn't normal for a couple so young with no kids. I agree you should end it now - trust me, the way she is now, it will get worse if you have kids and by the time you are in your 40s, you'll be lucky if you make love once a year. Free yourself and find someone who can love you in the way you deserve to be loved.

ravenmum Mon 24-Apr-17 15:13:26

It doesn't even matter that much if it is "normal". What makes a difference is whether you both have the kind of relationship you would like (whether you had a "normal" amount of sex, never had sex at all or spent the whole day doing nothing but frenetically shagging). Frankly, the discussion about whether or not it is normal is just a distraction: if she can prove that it is normal, would that mean that you had to stay whether you wanted that kind of relationship or not? And "you are not normal" accusations just make things nasty.

Good that you are thinking about this now before you have children.
I guess neither of you have had many other partners for comparison? I was the same. Now we're divorcing 25 years later and I've had a chance to go compare, I think that multiple partners before marriage should be made compulsory smile Helps you a) realise that everyone's normal is different and b) decide what things are particularly important to you.

Barnes79 Mon 24-Apr-17 15:41:16

Hi OP

As a few others have said, stop focusing on what's "normal" and focus on what you want from a relationship.

Myself and my DH have very different sex drives - every day would be great for him, whereas I could live without it completely. We compromise (albeit without discussion) to a few times a month.

I know my DH says intimacy makes him feel loved, whereas I have to feel loved to want to be intimate. Busy life tends to mean we get an hour or two together a day, often watching TV or he's off doing hobbies etc. Very little time is spent doing nice things together - I can't remember the last time he did or organised something "nice" for the two of us to do together. It's always me having to initiate these activities which doesn't make me feel particularly "loved", although I know he does love me.

I also have parents who sound similar to your other halfs - I can't remember ever seeing them kiss (even a peck on the cheek), hug or hold hands, or for them to do that with me. I do hold my DH hand and give pecks on the lips, but rarely much more as I tend to feel that would lead to being expected to have sex even if I didn't fancy it.

If you have a conversation with your other half, make sure you bear in mind that, whilst you need intimacy to feel loved, what does she need to feel loved and to want to be intimate?

ordinaryman Mon 24-Apr-17 16:39:23

I'm in this situation myself and my advice would be to get out now, before kids.

It will eat your very soul and fill you with self loathing, worthlessness, resentment and sadness.

I too have tried everything, but get the 'passive brush-off'. Effectively I am being what I understand is referred to as 'gaslighted', where each time I try to resolve issues, I'm told there is no issue and everything's just in my head. Then she'll grant me a passionless sex session, which she clearly thinks is all I want and will hopefully a) prove 'everthing's good' and b) 'shut me up for a while'. It's crap. I want love, not just sex and I want to be wanted, not just accomodated.

I have told her I feel lonely and just like a convenient flatmate / security guard.

I would have gone by now if it weren't for a) a sense of duty to my school-age children and b) lack of money.

Be perfectly clear with her what the consequences of not sorting this out means - no ultimatums, as these can be counter-productive. Then if she works with you, you might be as lucky as @HarmlessChap and move forward. If not, you have every right to state your own unhappiness as a valid reason for leaving.

Keepithidden Mon 24-Apr-17 17:02:19

Same as ordinaryman here. Get out before kids if they are on the scene it complicates matters a hundred fold. It also means separating may well be off the agenda until they fly the nest.

Barnes is right about "normal" too. I get told it is normal, it makes you feel abnormal and that something is wrong with you.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now