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I'm never going to be free of him am I?

(47 Posts)
Littlemissindependent Sat 22-Apr-17 20:49:59

Have been divorced from my exh for nearly 2 years. Have dd3 together. He has a child arrangement order which states he sees dd eow. When he manages to stick to it. For the most part we have a civil relationship for dds sake, despite the financial/emotional abuse.
However, he seems completely determined to continue to make my life a misery. He thinks he's entitled to know where I am, what I'm doing and who with. I'm too scared to ever make plans for the weekends dd is with him because I know if he gets wind of it he will deliberately find a way to ruin it for me. He calls constantly. And because I haven't answered his call this evening he starts with the passive aggressive messages demanding to know how HIS daughter is if it's not too much trouble. I feel myself panicking every time his name pops up on my phone. I don't know how to escape him. And if I try and facilitate handover without us having to interact, he accuses me of being selfish and setting a bad example to dd. I just can't see any way out and it's making me so so unhappy

AnneLovesGilbert Sat 22-Apr-17 21:00:37

That sounds awful and he has no right to still be abusing you!

You don't have to discuss anything apart from contact arrangements with him. Is it the same pattern each time or does it vary? Even if it's the latter, you can restrict contact stuff to emails and then just not discuss anything else. Your time is your time and he has no right to know where you are, who you're with or what you're doing. How is he currently finding out your plans? Is your dd 3? If so it won't be from her.

With things as wrong and impossible as they are right now it probably seems like a huge job to get things to change. But there are things you can do.

You should get good advice from other posters here who've dealt with similar bastard exes. But for now I'd think about cutting down on everything other than basic factual contact discussions. He doesn't have a right to speak to you in between so what would happen if you just ignored him?

And at pick up, who gives a toss about setting an example to your dd? He's setting a bad one by hounding you. Pick her up or open the door to let her in and refuse any discussion. If he behaves badly in return that's on him.

Seeingadistance Sat 22-Apr-17 21:02:25

Sounds awful. I was going to suggest that you change your phone, and don't give him the new number. Instead, use email to communicate, but then he'd need phone number in the unlikely event of an emergency.

I reckon it would be worth getting legal advice because this sounds very much like harassment. Maybe Women's Aid would be able to offer useful advice.

RandomMess Sat 22-Apr-17 21:05:33

You need to block him as other people have said. You have contact arranged, have back up baby sitters or go out when you have DD anyway.

flowers what an abusive dick he is angry

Littlemissindependent Sat 22-Apr-17 21:06:56

Apparently his message wasn't 'passive aggressive' it was a Dad wanting to say hi to his daughter. At 8.30pm.
I genuinely don't know how he's finding out my plans, I have him blocked on social media and as far as I know nobody would be reporting anything back to him, not that I put anything personal online anyway. He says he has the right to call whenever he wants to speak to dd.

Aroundtheworldandback Sat 22-Apr-17 21:07:10

I second legal advice, he knows very well he is harassing you. This wil most probably stop when he moves on but why should you have to wait for that?

AnneLovesGilbert Sat 22-Apr-17 21:11:04

He absolutely doesn't have a right to speak to her whenever he wants. Bullocks.

Hassled Sat 22-Apr-17 21:13:00

No, he doesn't have the right to call whenever. What law exactly would that fall under? It's going to be bloody hard after what I imagine is years of conditioning, but you have to stop engaging. Don't respond if it is not actually to do with pick up/drop off or it's not an emergency. Lock your phone in a drawer if that helps. And go out and do what the hell you like when he has DD.

Hassled Sat 22-Apr-17 21:13:13

No, he doesn't have the right to call whenever. What law exactly would that fall under? It's going to be bloody hard after what I imagine is years of conditioning, but you have to stop engaging. Don't respond if it is not actually to do with pick up/drop off or it's not an emergency. Lock your phone in a drawer if that helps. And go out and do what the hell you like when he has DD.

Littlemissindependent Sat 22-Apr-17 21:13:48

I feel Iike I'm fighting a battle that I'll never win. He turns everything round and makes me out to be the unreasonable one. I finally spoke to someone about counselling at the beginning of the week and was starting to feel good about myself for the first time in years. And now I feel as though it's all come crashing back down. I'm never going to escape him

noego Sat 22-Apr-17 21:14:16

give dd their own phone specifically for dad to call them on. It stays at the house they make the arrangements regarding times of calls etc.

Eminado Sat 22-Apr-17 21:16:57

Get a new pay as u go cheap phone and give him only that no and block him on your normal phone. Lock
It away when she is with u and leve it on vibrate when she is with him and check regularly.

He sounds like an absolute dick head.

RandomMess Sat 22-Apr-17 21:17:37

Could he have installed a keylogger on your laptop or something?

ChickenBhuna Sat 22-Apr-17 21:19:02

His access is to his daughter , not to you. He knows this and is pushing his luck!

Be firm OP. Tell him he can phone to speak to his daughter at x time and if he calls you at other times (unless he has her with him) don't pick the phone up.

Go ahead and have a friend or relative deal with handover for you until you feel comfortable being alone to deal with him. You do not have to explain yourself.

Take control OP. Ignore the bullshit and answer any reasonable questions he has in a business like way. He'll get bored very quickly and find a new woman to hassle (sad but true) , and you'll feel stronger having stood your ground.

Good luck.

ChickenBhuna Sat 22-Apr-17 21:22:00

Oh and OP , the reason you feel you'll never be free of him is because he got inside your head. He is nothing but a twonk who is pushing his luck and throwing is weight around. In a few years time you'll see him as the small , pathetic , fool that he really is!

Littlemissindependent Sat 22-Apr-17 21:22:40

Thank you. The problem I have is that he makes himself out to be the nicest person you'd ever meet. Comes across like he's the poor hard done by father who just wants to see his daughter. I just don't want to live like this anymore. I'm sick of the panicking, the feeling sick, the pounding heart. He still has so much control over me. And I really don't want to waste Women's Aid time as i know there are women out there who deserve help a damn sight more than I do. I'm not trying to stop him seeing dd, I just want to be able to live my life and try to be happy again

befuddledgardener Sat 22-Apr-17 21:23:08

Can you set a time your DD can briefly speak to him. Don't answer other calls/texts

Littlemissindependent Sat 22-Apr-17 21:25:57

befuddled I think that's going to be my plan. I will tell him he can call on x day at x time and other than that he's not to contact me unless it's regarding his contact time with her or it's an emergency. I just know that yet again he'll play the 'poor me, I've done nothing wrong' card and make out that I'm the unreasonable one obstructing him having a relationship with dd

ConfusedNoMore Sat 22-Apr-17 21:30:43

Op I could have written your post this weekend and nearly did. These bastards are so good at the manipulation. They're like sharks constantly circling.

My ex refuses to use the contact book as required via court order. Ignores any attempts I make to organise things until it suits him and then when I dared text to ask why he was an hour late picking up ds, I got a vicious rant telling me my faults and this is why I am single.

I really wish it was so easy to get them out of our heads.flowers

ChickenBhuna Sat 22-Apr-17 21:33:13

Littlemissindependent , why do you care what he thinks/says to others/acts like? You're not keeping his daughter from him , you're just attempting a life of your own. Your only obligations here are to make your dd available for contact , let him have reasonable phone contact with her (dictate when though) , and to keep him in the loop with her health , schooling etc. As long as you're doing those things he can stamp his feet as much as he likes because that's all he's geting right?!

For what it's worth I don't think you're wasting the time of WA if you contact them. He is being vile and you do need some support in learning to say no and draw boundaries.

DancingLedge Sat 22-Apr-17 21:34:18

littlemiss It is clear that Women's Aid is all about helping people in precisely your situation.Please don't think that only physical violence entitles women to support.

Ime, women where an abuser has got inside their heads and is controlling them have as big a battle to fight as those who are being hit. Sometimes more so.

You deserve help. You deserve to be happy.

You need help to escape this control. At some future point, you will be able to laugh at him.

befuddledgardener Sat 22-Apr-17 21:37:50

Ignore the poor me card. Don't pass comment. Don't give it any thought.

Frouby Sat 22-Apr-17 21:37:58

I had this.

I arranged for handover to be done by my mum. I haven't seen him face to face for 9 years.

I stopped replying to phone calls and txts. Just completely blanked them. If dd was with him I answered with 'yes? Is dd ok? Good'. And put the phone down every single time.

Eventually I got court to agree I could be nc with him and he wasn't to contact me.uness it was an emergency regarding dds immediate medical needs.

I am still not free of him because of dd. Having a few issues atm. But for the last 9 years issues have been minimal. Which causes less disruption to dd. I really don't understand why so many women allow abusive men to continue to abuse when you have done the hard bit and walked away.

You don't have to see him or speak to him unless you have absolutely no one els3 who can do handover. You absolutely do not have to answer his calls or reply to his text messages. You don't even need to read them. Just because you have dcs together doesn't mean you have to 'co parent'. You each parent your dd seperatly.

You will move on a lot quicker if you go nc with him. And check the security of all your apps and media and phone. He is finding out stuff somehow.

Or you could absolutely have a lot of fun with that. Imagine when he sees the whatsapp messages from your new bloke. Or the welcome email from Tinder. Or the FB pm of a large penis covered in jam.

RandomMess Sat 22-Apr-17 21:38:04

Give him 2 evenings per week at x time on skype.

Don't tell him he contact you about contact, it's fixed, if he doesn't turn up he doesn't turn up.

Please do speak to WA they are the experts.

scootinFun Sat 22-Apr-17 21:39:43

You know what? if that's how he's going to play it - earn it!
He says 'poor me, your being unreasonable' and you say 'damn straight, suck it up buttercup. Here's the number to call between whatever time you think is reasonable. Tell him it will be turned off before and after those times. Advise him that you are there to handover his child for his precious time with her and you need no more chat than a hi and a see you at pick up time.
You're not going to win this. No matter how reasonable you are you will never reach his high standards - so confound him by not even trying. Honestly, life's too short for putting up with arseholes like this.

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