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Is this emotional abuse?

(7 Posts)
SparklyPantaloons Sat 22-Apr-17 17:30:19

Asking your partner the following question: "do you think it's realistic that, looking the way you do, you would get a man who loves you just the way you are?".

There's backstory I can give later but on its own, do you think this question is cruel and suggests the person isn't good enough as they are?

scoobydoo1971 Sat 22-Apr-17 17:55:58

It hints at emotional abuse, but I would guess the back-story is an insecure male partner trying to control the target into feeling such little self-worth that they stay with the other person...comments of this kind are usually about trying to demoralise someone.

Looks are not exactly priority when you are in a long-term relationship...beauty is only skin-deep after all, and we all get old eventually...and I would be very suspicious of anyone who was overly focused upon looks...I dumped a boyfriend once for sending me text messages saying 'don't eat too much chocolate or you will get fat'.

If this is about you personally, I think you have to deeply examine your relationship with this person and identify if the latest slur is just one in a long line of examples of hurtful comments.

SparklyPantaloons Sat 22-Apr-17 18:27:06

Thanks. It is one of many remarks, mainly centred around weight. I am big, and want to change. I have self esteem issues and sometimes feel that he reinforces them with comments like these.

isitjustme2017 Sat 22-Apr-17 20:23:29

What does he mean 'you would get a man'?? Its a strange comment to make and sounds like he is basically saying 'no-one else would want you'. Fair enough if you are big and perhaps need to lose a few pounds but there are much nicer and more encouraging ways to talk to you about this. Shaming someone isn't the way to get them to lose weight and its just not very nice, plain and simple. I assume he is perfect himself?

OnTheRise Sun 23-Apr-17 07:33:57

Fair enough if you are big and perhaps need to lose a few pounds

No, even if that were the case it's still not appropriate. It's belittling and hurtful.

And yes, in my view it is abusive.

DalaHorse Sun 23-Apr-17 07:39:22

If the guy doesn't like the weight, or can't get past it, or doesn't find it attractive, then he should walk away rather than stay and indicate the person should feel grateful for his attentions.

In answer to his question, yes there are plenty of men who would love you just the way you are, and I would be tempted to tell this idiot that you are going to find one who does just that and to close the door on his way out.

pallasathena Sun 23-Apr-17 08:54:08

Its abusive OP because he's planting seeds of doubt in your mind that you are worthless, should be grateful, should be accepting of his narrative rather than your own.
When people write their own narrative which has them as hero and you as victim then you need to pull out of that relationship very quickly.
Good on you for reading the signs before anything even more damaging to your self esteem happens.

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