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Other Woman

(25 Posts)
Stuck16 Sat 22-Apr-17 12:52:12

Bit of backstory- H moved out last summer as has been battling depression and anxiety for years and it was all getting too much for him and us (me and dc aged 9 and 2)
The idea was he'd take the time to sort himself out then we'd do some work on our relationship with a view to him moving home.
He's done really well and has made major improvements in his mental health. Two weeks ago he asked if he could move back in, I said he could once we'd spent some time together as a couple just to reconnect etc and he then said he didn't want to.
Have spent the last 2 weeks arguing- why did he ask to come back if that wasn't what he wanted etc On Monday he told me he was seeing someone else. From what he's said it started early march, he says it isn't serious but DS 9 told me his dad had asked him on Wednesday if he wanted to meet her!
I am so angry with him for that who does that!?
The thing is I've become slightly obsessed with trying to find out who this person he's seeing is. He's told me her name, where she lives, her age and that she has 2 kids. It's driving me mad not knowing and I don't know why I'm so bothered!

I knew things weren't brilliant but they weren't bad between us, we were working on us and I thought he'd be moving back in a couple of months max so have been completely blindsided by this revelation.
I know it's none of my business who she is but not knowing exactly who,l she is and the fact he's asked DS to meet her is honestly doing my head in.
How do I stop obsessing? Why am I doing it in the first place?

LouiseTM Sat 22-Apr-17 15:08:44

I think maybe your dh might think the grass is greener. Tell him you dont think she should meet the kids yet until he is serious about this relationship, as much as it will bother you, try not to let it show to him as you dont want to be that ex that they sit there and laugh about. I understand the hurt op but im sure your dh will be back with the tail between his legs and looking for another chance. Try to be civil and keep him on a need to know basis. Go out a bit more and socialise and let him have the kids. Its always easier for the one that leaves than the one that gets left and if your ready to close this chapter even better, it will help you to not really give a shit about him and her.

Huskylover1 Sat 22-Apr-17 15:11:23

I would say you are well rid of him. He sounds like way too much hard work. Let her have him. Find someone without all these ishoos.

berkshyre Sat 22-Apr-17 15:20:34

I'd be obsessing too. I'm a rabid online stalker of crushes and exes. It's very unfair the way this is happened and because he's withholding information it's making you crazy. This is normal but still pretty crap for you.

ChristmasFluff Sat 22-Apr-17 17:53:03

It becomes your business the minute there is any possibility that your son meets her.

springydaffs Sat 22-Apr-17 23:32:36

Agree with berkshyre. What a massive headfuck. Sheesh.

You're probably obsessing about her as a kind of transference rage. Ie it's him you would like to rip into small pieces and stamp on.

It's going to take a while to work through your incandescent rage - perhaps take up boxing /kick boxing or something similarly highly physical.

You have to feel sorry for her. Sorry to say that but what a dud she's got there..

On no account start feeling pity or get reeled in over his poor pity MH problems. Here is a man who wanted the comforts of home while snagging someone else in plain sight. What a cunt.

springydaffs Sat 22-Apr-17 23:33:52

*shagging

Aquamarine1029 Sun 23-Apr-17 03:53:34

Who cares about the other woman. Be glad he's HER problem now and not yours.

Stuck16 Sun 23-Apr-17 08:07:20

I was yesterday Aquamarine but it's definitely a case of easier said than done.
He rang me to tell me something had happened in the afternoon and to see if he'd done the right thing- he had, he knew he had so I don't know why he wanted my opinion- after the call I thought surely that's something he should be ringing ow about not me!?
I'm trying to hang on to the rage I felt on Friday when I found out what he'd said to DS and not let the overwhelming sadness and desperation come from earlier in the week come back. I can't believe how up and down it's possible to be

Stuck16 Sun 23-Apr-17 10:55:34

He's supposed to be taking the kids out this afternoon as he can't have them overnight and, until now, I've just been letting him hang out at my house so he could see them. Now that he's said we're definitely over I said he couldn't just hang out and needs to get a house where he can have the kids overnight but in the meantime, Sunday afternoon would be when he would have contact but it couldn't be in my house. He agreed.
He's just cancelled as his friend wants to go to the pub to watch the football.
He saw the kids yesterday for 2 hours in the morning as our son had football and he's the coach but other than giving DD a cuddle he hasn't really done anything with her.
I will have had the kids since 11am yesterday and the next time they see him will be Wednesday morning when he comes to take DS to school.
I have the rage again now

BlondeBecky1983 Sun 23-Apr-17 10:56:47

You are well rid OP. Use this as an opportunity, you will not regret it!!

mysinkingheart Sun 23-Apr-17 11:48:45

It's shit the way they seem to be able to just forget the kids when ow is on the scene. The buzz will wear off but it's just so selfish.

From now on I'd let him make arrangements to see them and only agree if it suits you. Don't let him stand them up like that, have something organised so he has to take them as planned and bear the consequences if he doesn't organise something.

Your rage is only natural but try not to see all this as something you are lacking that she has. It's really not that. He's flakey and unreliable so you're well rid. Think of things you can do for yourself and your DC. Don't let him become the centre of attention. Rise above and freeze him out flowers

ClopySow Sun 23-Apr-17 13:18:03

The best advice i was given in a similar situation was the sooner you accept the reality and stop fighting it, the easier it becomes. Use your rage to set strong boundaries and plough the rest of it into something productive. Don't let rage and resentment and the sense of injustice eat you up, it's such wasted energy.

He's a twat with no sense of responsibility towards his own children, not exactly a catch, for you or for the OW.

You'll be happier, you really will. And he'll regret his decision when it's too late.

Stuck16 Sun 23-Apr-17 15:55:47

So would it better for me to let him suggest contact than me trying to make it happen with DC like today?

He harps on about how he'll always put them first like he always has done but will readily drop his plans with them for an afternoon in the pub!
One of his reasons for leaving me was because I was too invested in the marriage and the kids and didn't have enough outside of our family unit- I have pointed out to him that that was impossible for me given his track record on sticking to the plans already made. He would always make it difficult on days he knew I had plans which wasn't often because of the way he was.

As heartbroken and devastated as I am I can see I'm better off without him (for the most part) I'm just incredibly sad for our children to have been lumbered with such a twat for a dad- had I seen this side to him I never would've had children with him or married him

mysinkingheart Sun 23-Apr-17 18:47:17

Yes I'd say so, don't enable him. It's best with people like that to give them as little wriggle room as possible.

Mine was systematically late and constantly tried to test the limits by not sticking exactly to custody arrangement. I learnt not to show him it annoyed me and played it down in front of DC "oh dear Daddy's late again let's do <nice thing> instead". Don't chase him and let the kids realise on their own what he's really made of.

I went through the sadness too but children are amazingly resilient and can get role models elsewhere. Much more easily, in fact, when you've implicitly shown them what isn't acceptable by splitting from your ex.

Wishing you lots of strength. It will get better when you truly let go of the hope of reliably decent behaviour.

mysinkingheart Sun 23-Apr-17 18:50:47

And it's not your fault he's a twat. Your not responsible in any way for his poor parenting. Using the excuse of you being over-invested speaks volumes to me about his sense of entitlement. You couldn't know he'd be like that before having kids with him. Please please don't add guilt to your situation, it's not fair on you. Have you looked at the outofthefog website?

Stuck16 Sun 23-Apr-17 18:52:29

I haven't even heard of outofthefog- I'll have a look.

I'll leave it to him to arrange to see the DC instead of me trying to force the matter

mysinkingheart Sun 23-Apr-17 19:00:12

Yes do look at the site, the toolbox might help. He sounds very selfish if not entitled so time to protect yourself.

No need to force things. I'm sure your DC are much better off with you anyway. He doesn't sound like he has his priorities right at all. Hopefully things will stabilise once he's over the ow sugar rush.
Just focus on yourself and get lots of rest. Simple things. Look up the grey rock technique as well, to avoid him draining you.

Stuck16 Sun 23-Apr-17 22:52:25

I need to do something, have made a total prat of myself tonight. I don't know what's wrong with me- I wake up in the morning with clarity, thinking yes I can do this. By lunchtime my resolve is waivering and I start flirting from overwhelming sadness to pure rage.
Once the kids are in bed I'm a mess, just a sobbing heap and I can't stop myself. Tonight I practically begged him to come round for sex!! I could hear how pathetic and desperate I sounded but I couldn't stop. So now I get to add complete humiliation to the growing list of shit
Perfect! Really helping myself aren't I!!

mysinkingheart Mon 24-Apr-17 10:32:17

Oh stuck don't beat yourself up, you're only human. It only shows you have real feelings and those don't just switch off instantly.
First rule is be gentle with yourself, as you would to anyone you care abour going through the same thing. See what happened as the last time. That's all, it doesn't matter in the long run. Forgive yourself, no one can hurt your dignity, it's yours.
Is there anyone in real life you can talk to, have a night off with or invite round for a chat once DC are asleep?

Stuck16 Mon 24-Apr-17 10:44:24

Unfortunately not, I don't have the money to justify a babysitter and there's only exh to look after them if I don't get a babysitter. No family nearby and the few friends I have have young families of their own and are too busy.
H and the DC were my life, I work part time but I don't go out other than that and the occasional cinema trip with a friend. I've never been one for having loads of friends and a jam packed social life which is now proving to be a problem as the evenings are so long and there's just me and my thoughts.

mysinkingheart Mon 24-Apr-17 10:55:42

Oh I'm sorry and totally get that as was in the same situation, worked part time from home so no work friends and he totally took me for granted and made it hard for me to organise stuff for myself too. It's very unfair and re-reading your posts it sounds like he was passively aggressively controlling you.

But..once you get a custody arrangement in place you will have time for yourself to make friends and do activities. It's the hardest thing feeling you have to deal with it all on your own but it will get easier with time and life will be happier without him.

For now maybe try and catch up with old friends? Even a phone call with someone who's got your back can make a huge difference.

In my case, I waited too long to confide in my parents and siblings. They have ended up being hugely supportive and had never really liked my x anyway, just were too polite to say. Can you phone family? A cousin our aunty/uncle?

In the meantime, and of you feel up to it, I'd get legal advice and a child arrangement order in place asap. It gives some stability to the situation and free time to look after yourself and rest.

Keep posting, there will always be people here to support you.

springydaffs Mon 24-Apr-17 21:45:55

Darling. Brush that unfortunate phonecards under the carpet - Or blood it out the window. Gone.

You're grieving. Grieving is not pretty. You have been betrayed, very badly. The rug had been yanked out from under your feet, your life so suddenly blown apart in an instant. Give yourself a break.

If you are in some ways his care giver, that can also give us purpose - if not an addictive element, too re who am I now? Who am I without this role? The role he very suddenly and unexpectedly ripped from you.

Of course you're a mess. Give it time - this stuff takes time and can't be hurried (sadly). Take care of your dear self.

springydaffs Mon 24-Apr-17 21:46:35

Phone call! Blow!

ClopySow Wed 26-Apr-17 07:30:47

Aw mate, been there, done it. The good news is that it makes you feel so terrible theres a good chance you won't repeat it.

You're going to be fine. Long evenings alone are hard, but you'll start to enjoy them. It will get better, it really will.

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